GAY AND LESBIAN JOKES!
There are 3 gay men in bed .They wake up together.The guy on the left hand side of the men says :Oh my god darlings - I had the horniest dream last night - I dreamed that this tough sexy man was wanking me off .Oh it was heaven'The guy on the right hand side of the bed then turns round and says - 'I always knew we were on the same wavelength - I had the exact same dream!'the guy in the middle of the bed looked shocked -'SEX ,SEX SEX!! - That's all you ever think of you saucy devils .My dreams are pure - Last night for instance I dreamt that I was SKIING!!!'
A man was working downtown and had built up an enormous thirst.
Across from where he was there was a bar. He decided to go have a
beer. When he went in and sat down he seen it was a gay bar, he was so thirsty he wanted to have one beer then be on his way.
The waiter came up to the table where he was at and he ordered a beer. The waiter asked him for the name of his penis. He said "What?" The waiter explained that to get served he had to have a name for his penis. He looked over at another man in the bar and asked what he called his penis. The man replied "Ford, Quality is job one", So, he asks another man there and the man said "Timex, takes a licking and keeps on ticking" He thought for a minute and said, "Waiter bring me a beer!" The waiter said "You know the rules." The name of my penis is "Secret"., the man replies. Waiter went to get him a beer. Whe the waiter got back to the table with his beer he asked why secret? "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman"!!
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
(Fur-Traders!)
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink." The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies
acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink." The women both reply, "It won't do you any good." The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians." The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"
The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."
The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."
The closet fag finally decides to confess to his mother that he's gay. "You mean," she asks incredulously, "that you get pleasure from sucking the penises and swallowing the sperm of men who do anal sex?" "I guess that's about the size of it, mom," the young man answers sheepishly. "Then don't you EVER let me hear you complain about my cooking again!" the mother replied.
What would you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
(Potporri)
Why did the gay guy stop having anal sex??
(Every night it was the same shit...)
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
"How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
What did "ELLEN" say to Kathy Lee??
"May I be FRANK with you..."
What do you call a can of tuna fish in a lesbian's back pocket??
(chew...)
Hear about the new AIDS diet?
It's prune juice and jalapeno peppers. The virus is unaffected by the diet but it will teach a faggot what their asshole is really designed to do.
Why did 'god' create lesbians??
(So feminists wouldn't breed!)
What is the difference between Olympic Swimmers and Olympic divers??
(Mark Spitz, Greg Swallows...)
2 fags were walking hand in hand by a local gay bar... One fag says to the other,"Hey honey, wanna get shit-faced tonight??"
What's the leading death among Lesbians??
(Hairballs!)
Did you hear scientists are having a hard time with the A.I.D.S. cure??
They can't get the lab rats to butt-fuck.
Did you hear about Ellen Degeneres' death??
(She drowned in Rikki Lake)
What do queers do on a 2nd date??
(What 2nd date??)
Why do gay men wrap duct tape around hampsters??
(So they don't explode when they screw them...)
#1 Pickup line in a gay bar:
"Would you like me to push in your stool??"
A doctor tells a gay man that his test results are in and he has A.I.D.S. The gay man says, "What should I do??"
The doctor replies, "First thing is you should fly to Mexico and eat all the hot, spicy food you can. Eat beans, tacos, burritos, etc... Also, drink all the Mexican water, not the bottled
stuff, either. Eat eat and drink like this for a week straight."
"Will this help??" askes the paitent. "No," replies the doctor. "But it will teach you what your asshole is used for!"
How can you tell when Michael Jackson has company??
(By the tricycles in the driveway...)
Why did Elton John cry at Diana's funeral??
(Because he was the only queen who gavea shit...)
Why did the gay suspect his lover of cheating on him??
(He came home shit faced...)
What 3 things do gays like most??
(Eat, Drink, and be Mary)
Did you hear about the hospital nursery's new money-making plot??
They plan to start selling foreskins to queers as bubble gum.
What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit??
A FRUIT STAND!
What do you call gay lawyers??
(Legal Aids)
How did the faggot cross the road??
(Swish, swish, swish...)
If there is a gay couple and a lesbian couple and they both want to go to Calgary which couple would get there first?
The lesbian couple because they would be doing 69 and the gays would still be at home packing shit
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have
to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night before boozing with his old Navy buddies, woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach, he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing, but they were 2 sizes too small. Charles made it through the ceremony, then through the reception with his feet in agony the whole time, and finally with great relief, went upstairs with his new bride. Their departure was noticed by the Queen and Queen Mother who followed them up and listened at the the door. First they heard "Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo tight" "I told you she was" said the Queen to the Queen Mother. Then they heard "Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better, and it was a lot tighter" "Tsk tsk tsk" said the Queen Mother, "Once a sailor, always a sailor"
A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy admitted that he was."Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?" "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."
Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of conversation on the bar for measurement. Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the man, "What'll ya have?"
The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the buffet instead."
This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the bartender has. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots. Again, the bartender asks what's wrong. The guy says that he found out that his son is gay.
Yet the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender again and asks for 15 shots.
"Damn," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
"Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
A son was home from college and tells his dad, "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!" "What makes you think so?" asked the dad. "Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him!"
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes."
Still without looking up, she asks, "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"
Two gay guys were talking when one leaned over and said to the other, "You know, I just got circumcised two weeks ago."
"How wonderful," gasped his friend. "You must let me see it."
The first man obliged, pulling down his pants, and proudly displaying his penis. "Ooooh!" shrieked his friend. "You look ten years younger!"
Two gay guys were at a fair. One wanted to go on the rollercoaster, but the other didn't. So the one guy gets on and enjoys it so much that he rides it more than once. Suddenly, the whole ride collapses into a pile of twisted metal. The other guy rushes to the scene and searches through the dust and metal for his friend. He finds him in the mangled debris and asks, "Are
you hurt?" "Hurt? Hurt? I'll say. I went round three times, and you didn't wave to me once!"
Two guys were talking. One described his recent, first-ever prostate exam, "The doctor bends you over his examination table and then he puts his left hand on your shoulder...no wait, it was his right hand...[thinks for a minute]... Damn! He had *both* hands on my shoulders."
This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Allright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
We are taking our new baby to San Francisco to be christened so he can have a fairy godmother.
Do you have a fairy godmother?
No, but I have an uncle I'm not too sure about.
Why did the homosexual hang himself?
His drapes clashed with his new scarf.
There's a new tennis shoe on the market made strictly for lesbians...they are called DYKYS.
Although most were called back because their tongues weren't long enough.
The most ineffective G-man of the year has to be the FBI agent whose assignment was to keep tabs on the leader of the Gay Militant League and blew the assignment.
Top 5 Signs You're Son May Be Gay
5. Constantly talks about how he was reared.
4. Grows a mustache (to hide the stretch marks?)
3. Is a sucker for anything his dad tells him.
2. Wants to go to West Point to persue a major.
1. Will only play two positions on the football team,
tightend or wide receiver (Might consider kicker).
Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, the gay man went to his doctor. The physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only me".
A gay man goes to a Baptist church for the 1st time- Towards the end of the service, the minister says: "Since we have a newcomer in our congregation, he will be allowed to pick the first hymn." The gay stands, points and says "Thanks, Reverend-I'll take him, him, and him."
A homosexual, a real fat man, and a smoker all die and go to Heaven. They meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and complain that they aren't ready to die, they all still have some unfinished business left on earth. So St. Peter agrees to let them live, as long as they give up their evil ways.... So the fat guy is walking down the street and sees a 7-11. He knows he shouldn't go in, but he does anyways, chows down a Twinkie and **POOF** he disappears. The smoker and the gay are walking together and the smoker sees a lit cigarette butt on the ground. He thinks to
himself, "Oh, if I had only one drag, nothing will happen to me." So he bends over to pick up the cigarette, and **POOF** the homosexual disappears.
A man died and went to hell. When he got there Satan said hey do you drink? And the man said yes I do. AH well you will have a good time on Monday because that is what we do. Satan then said do you do drugs? Yes I do said the man. Well that is what we do on Tuesday. Satan then told the man what they do on everyday until he came to Sunday. Satan then asks ,are you gay? And the man said , most certainly not. Satan then says well, THAT is when you will find out why this is hell.
Q: Is there anything a penis can do that a finger or tongue can't do?
A: Well urinate comes to mind. - Lea DeLaria
Q: What can two femmes do in bed?
A: Each other's makeup.
Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?
A: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.
Q: What do you call 2 butches bonding?
A: Hockey Night in Canada
Q: What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
A: A bush-hog!
Q: How many femmes does it take to change a tire?
A: 2 - one to call AAA and one to whine about the grease on her skirt
Q: What do you call an Irish lesbian?
A: Gaylick
Q: What did Ellen DeGeneres say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
A: May I be Frank with you tonight?
Q: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north?
A: A Klondyke.
Q: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?
A: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?
(Sung to the theme of the Klondyke ice cream bar commercials.)
Q: What do you call a lesbian's closet?
A: A lick-her cabinet.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A: Single!
Q: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
A: Depends
Q: Did you hear that k.d. lang died?
A: She was found face down in Ricki Lake
(With a smile on her face no doubt!)
Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time?
A: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats
Q: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian?
A: A bush hog
Q: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian?
A: A weedeater
Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"
Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.
Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!
Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?
A: Someone has to mow the yard.
Q: How can you tell if you a butch dyke co-worker?
A: You find the toilet seat up when she leaves the stall.
Q: What do you call lesbian dinosaurs?
A: The lickalotopuss and the clitolickumus.
Q: How do you know if you have lesbians living next door?
A: Frequent U Hauls in front of the house.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?
A: Militia etheridge
Q: What does it mean when 2 lesbians have sex?
A: It don't mean dick!
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?
A: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
Q: What's the lesbian mating call?
A: "I'm *so* drunk!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: well hung
Q: If man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, what do lesbians need?
A: A liquor license.
(And 1,203 marches on Washington, 476 lawyers, 3.5 million dollars, and an act of Congress!)
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You don't taste like chicken!
Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.
Q: What has 4 legs and eats ants?
A: 2 other aunts
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2 if they're small enough (think about that one for a minute!)
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Light? Who needs light? We prefer to do it in the dark!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 5 - 1 to screw it in and 4 to bitch about the man who invented it
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: What you do call a room full of 50 politicians and 50 lesbians?
A: 100 people who don't do dick!
(This is a visual joke, but I did the best that I could!)
Q: What do you call a woman who can't get her tongue back in her mouth?
(Visualize a woman trying to talk with her tongue rigidly sticking out of her mouth.)
A: A lesbian with a hard on.