GOOD CLEAN FUNNIES LIST
 
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get
old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
 
"How old are you?"
"I'm 4 and half."
 
You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you
back.  You jump to the next number.
 
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."
 
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even
the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!
 
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun
now.  What's wrong?? What changed???
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there,
it's all slipping away...
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my
dreams are gone...
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then
you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.
 
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE
IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!
 
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into
your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green
bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
 
And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards:
I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!
 
Age is a funny thing.
Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut Commander,kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter.One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."

The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser known prayers though are a little girl saying: "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."

After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to,tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."


RULES FOR BETTER WRITING.......NOT!
 
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
   unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
    quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.


On instructions for a hairdryer:
 Do not use while sleeping.
 
On a bag of Fritos:
 You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.
 
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
 Directions: Use like regular soap.
 
On a frozen dinner package:
 Serving suggestion: Defrost.
 
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
 Fits one head.
 
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
 Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
 Product will be hot after heating.
 
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
 Do not iron clothes on body.
 
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
 Do not drive car or operate machinery.
 
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
 Warning: May cause drowsiness.
 
On a Korean kitchen knife:
 Warning: Keep out of children.
 
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
 For indoor or outdoor use only.
 
On a Japanese food processor:
 Not to be used for the other use.
 
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
 Warning: Contains nuts.
 
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
 Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
 
On a Swedish chainsaw:
 Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
 
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
 Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?


ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
 
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
 
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.
 
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
 
4. Build on high ground.
 
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
 
6. Two heads are better than one.
 
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but
so were the snails.
 
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
 
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
 
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
 
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain
-- shovel!!!
 
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
 
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.
 
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
 
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
than the storm outside.
 
16. Don't miss the boat.
 
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the
other side.
 
18. "Stop what'ca doing, and do what God says!"

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked. The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50." The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?" The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?" The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame. The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you." The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for." The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies." To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!" We ALL need someone who Understands!

Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs. They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.
The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.
Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!" Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in.
Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!"
The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"
"Its obvious" said Billy Joe "You can't wear glasses, you ain't got no ears!"

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
 
Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid
a collision.
 
Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
 
Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.
 
Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert  YOUR course.
 
Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
 
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND  NUMEROUS SUPPORT
VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR  COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I
SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO  ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
 
Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers. In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. She called him to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it. To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiousity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!" "Well, then,"she asked, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

Hints on when you can tell it is not going to be a good day:
 
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but
find there aren't any.
- Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the
city.
- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow
a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.
- You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then
realize you don't have a waterbed.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own
business.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
- Your tax refund check bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
- Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.


Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

"JUST HER SIZE" (Men Are From Sears, Women Are From Nordstrom)
 I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads. Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high- level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!" The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult. The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them." Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kinda esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit, and a pocket watch. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves, You can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't hear anyone breathing. The people are thinking, The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now, they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget."