What four things do monsters enjoy eating on Halloween?
Ghoulash and I Scream with booberry pie and ghoul-aid.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What's soft, mouldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

How do ghosts get through locked doors?
They use skeleton keys!!!

What subject do all witches do best at in school?
Spelling!

What is a vampire's favourite fruit?
Neck tarines

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A hobblin goblin!

What's invisible and cery frightened?
A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.

What kind of horse does a ghost ride?
Night mare

What do you use to erase a ghost?
White-out!

What do you get if you remove the insides of a hotdog?
A "hollow weenie"

What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies & a salad with boocheese
dressing.

How much does a truck full of bones weigh?
A skel-e-ton!

In what room of the house would you never find a ghost?
The living room.

How do you help chickens that are possessed by evil spirits?
Get an "eggsorcist" !

What did the hobo vampire say to the rich man?
"Can I put the bite on you for a free meal?"

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favourite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favourite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
==================
How do you make a witch faint?
Use a dizzy spell!

What do you call a mummy who eats cookies in bed?
A crumby mummy!

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of
humour?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern
and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

What are a vampire's favourite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

Why do vampires tend to make great artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.

What's a mummy's favourite music?
Ragtime.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
=========================
Is it true that a vampire can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it!

What's a ghoul's favourite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favourite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What hotel chain do all werewolves like to patronise?
Howliday Inn !

Why did the black cat have a hard time living with the twin witches?
He could never tell which witch was which!

How does a ghost celebrate New Year's Eve?
He paints the town dead!

What famous financial saying was written on Halloween?
"A ghoul and his mummy are soon parted"!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centres

What did they call the female broom rider after she crash landed on the
beach?
A "Sand Witch" !!!

What did the bartender say to the vampire?
This blood's for you!

What type of make-up do witches use?
Mask-scare-a

Where do vampires go to deposit their savings?
Blood bank

What is in the red blood cells of monsters?
Hemogoblin !!!

What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
They give hexaminations!

What time is it when ghosts haunt your house?
Time to get a new house!!!

Why do ghosts eat only the finest quality health food?
Because its super-natural !

What is a ghost's favourite throwing toy?
A boo-merang !

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
=============================
Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance?
His bootiful ghoul-friend.

Why did the ghost become a sailor?
He wanted to haunt for buried treasure!

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.
=============================
Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?
He was all tied up.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!

What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night?
A cool ghoul!

What do spooks call their Navy?
The ghost guard.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

What is a ghost's favourite subject in high school?
Boo-ology of course!

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the
car?
"Don't forget to buckle your sheetbelt!"

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back".

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

What is a ghost's favourite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
========================
A black boy and his sister were out trick or treating.  They
go to the first house and ring the bell, the door soon opens.
The owner asks "What are you two dressed as?"
The black boy says, "We're dressed as Jack and Jill."
"You can't be Jack and Jill, they are white.", the owner replied.
The children got their candy, thought about what they could say
they were dressed as and went to the next house.  They rang the
bell, the owner opened the door and asked them the same question
the previous homeowner had asked.
The little girl replied, "We are dressed as Hansel and Gretel."
The owner told them they could not dress as Hansel and Gretel,
since they were not white, like Hansel and Gretel. the children
thought long and hard about their dilemma as they moved to the
next house.  The little boy came up with an idea and told his
sister to take off her clothes.  Naked, they walked up to the
door and rang the bell.  As the owner opened the door, the
little boy piped up "We're dressed as Hershey bars, one with
nuts, one without nuts."
============================
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Where do ghosts like to go swimming?
Lake Eerie?

Why do mummies go to school?
To get a deaducation

Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
He had heard that they needed a little team spirit !

What's a monster's favourite song?
"Ghouls Just Want To Have Fun."

Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
They can't stomach it!

What do you call someone who puts poison in people's corn flakes?
A cereal killer!

Why do Casper's phone bills tend to be so high each month?
He is always calling ghost-to-ghost.

What does a cow say to scare away a ghost?
"Moo!!"

What is Shakespeare's ghost's favourite saying?
"To boo or not to boo...that is the question".

What kind of candy won't a ghost ever touch?
Lifesavers

What do you get if you cross a monster with an owl?
An animal that frightens people but doesn't give a hoot!

What do call two witches who live together?
"Broom Mates"!

What is a vampire's favourite sport?
Casket Ball !!!

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people"?

How big was Dr. Frankenstein's castle?
"Monstrous" !

What is a ghoul's favourite fast food meal?
A handburger!

What is a ghost's favourite type of pasta?
Spookgetti !!!
====================
Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
To get his boo-ster shot?

What is a ghost's favourite species of bird?
The scare crow!

What is the most important safety rule for witches?
Don't fly off the handle!

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse..

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie

What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?
Lazybones

What is a werewolf's favourite holiday?
"Howloween" !

What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.

Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?
He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!

What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing
mummy?
"Well, that one's about wrapped up!"

What haunts your house and honks?
Poultergeese!

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!

What do ghosts like to do for recreation in their spare time?
They go "booling"!

Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!
===========================
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!

What does a vampire say when he thinks he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this."

What did the teacher ghost say to his boo-ology students after they all
earned
A's?
Well done class! You did a spooktacular job!

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
Because it dampens their spirits!

What is a vampire's favourite breed of dog?
Bloodhound!!!

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
Into a blood cell!

What do vampires enjoy most about baseball?
The bats (and the double-headers)

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo Boos

What happened to the vampire who tried to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work... it was all in vein.

How can you spot a vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck !

What is the favourite drink of overweight vampires?
"Blood Lite"

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Why to witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too expensive!

Who is the Mummy's favourite actor?
Robert Deadford!

What did the skeleton say after he fell into the pond?
"I'm soaked to the bone" !

Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.

Why aren't vampires good gamblers?
They always make "sucker bets" !

What games do little ghosts like to play?
1. Corpse and robbers 2. Peek-a-boo! 3. Hide & ghost seek

Where do ghosts keep their cars?
In a mirage.

Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
He just never found the right ghoul!!!
=======================
Why was the little ghost sent to his room before dinner was over?
Because he was goblin too fast!

What TV show do all ghosts love to watch?
Squeal of Fortune

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.

What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face"!

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"?
Winnie the Boo

What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
The dentist!

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to take !

Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
The skeleton crew!

How does a witch travel when she doesn't have a broom?
She witch hikes!

Who belongs to the monster PTA?
The mummies and deadies!

When does a ghost need a license?
During "haunting" season.

What two types of music do mummies like best?
Rag time and Wrap.

What do you call a three-headed deaf monster?
Anything you like, as he can't hear you.

How do witches tell the time?
Using a witch-watch

What time is it when a monster smashes down your front door?
Time to get a new door

What's the difference between a coffin and a letterbox?
You don't know? - well, i won't send you to post a letter.
========================
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.  Consider some
old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING:  Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA
types will be on you like stink on shit.  What 30 centuries of white
male authors used to call witches, are today respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wom... uh, womyn.

WINDOW WAXING:  These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs
and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet
of leg with the neighbourhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING:  This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation
of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the
perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb
their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs
out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin,
soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free)
dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and
tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes
is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the
choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin?  Uh uh, cruelty to
animals or their depiction is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and
not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1999 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date.  Casper is clearly a dead, white male,
probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients,
not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the
Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended
optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble
with lawyers who specialise in representing accident victims on
contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes.
Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired,
Cinderella the adoption agencies,
and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby.
Uncle Remus?  You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.
A cowperson?  Perhaps, but don't pack a gun.  And don't even think
about punching a cow.

So there you are.  The scariest thing about Halloween these days is
that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone.  And if someone
scares you, you can't scream.  In some communities, any auditory
emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a
fine and/or jail term.  Whether you can react instead with a
sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered
later this term by the Supreme Court.  Until then, do so at your own
risk.
======================
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty shadows.  Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"
=======================
THE TOP 12 SCARIEST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

12. Al Gore Disco Fever Costume

11. Positive Home Pregnancy Test

10. Jacko-Lantern

9. Marge Schott's Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister

8. Evil British Nanny

7. Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit

6. Male Pattern Baldness

5. Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra

4. Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick

3. President Jesse Helms

2. Marv Albert, Warrior Princess

1. Mighty Menstruatin' Power Ranger

----

THE TOP 12 LEAST SCARY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

12. Al Gore on 'ludes

11. Deepak Chopra's Cape of Understanding and World Harmony

10. Bob, the Bored Top Five Contributor

9. Pissed-Off Orville Redenbacher

8. Edward "Rounded-Tip" Scissorhands

7. Big Fuzzy Kitten - That Bites!

6. Librarian from Rushville, Indiana

5. Welfare Mom

4. Martha Stewart Doily O' Death

3. Dan Quayle "Pouty-Face" Mask

2. Onion Boy

1. Tony Award Winning Choreographer
========================
One Halloween, it was pouring rain and a nun called for a
cab. As they were driving along the driver said, "you know,
even though I'm not a priest, I'm a virgin, and I've never
had a blow job."
The nun said," Well I have a confession too. Even though
I'm a nun I've given blow jobs."
The driver said, "Really? do you think that you could give
me one?"
The nun then agreed and they stopped at an alley where she
gave him the blowjob. When they were done, they continued
driving along. After a long pause, the driver said. "I have
another confession to make. I'm not a virgin and I'm cheating
on my wife. I wanted to see if you would really give me a
blow job."
At this, the nun smiled and said,"Well I also have another
confession to make. My name is Bob and I'm going to a
Halloween Party."
======================
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers
asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?"

Most of the hands go up.

"And how many of you have had some
form of interaction with a ghost?"

About half the hands stay up.

"Okay, now how many of you have had
*physical* contact with a ghost?"

Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.

"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever,
uh..., been *intimate* with a ghost?"

One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.

"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've
actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?"

The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I
thought you said goat!"
=====================
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.  At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".  "I guess I
was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just
working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I  just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you
are screwing a pumpkin?'  He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and
then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!?  Damn...is
it midnight already?'"
----------------------
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
=======================
THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN
On the first day of Halloween
My postman brought to me,
A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the second day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the third day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fourth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the fifth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the sixth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the seventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eighth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the ninth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the tenth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the eleventh day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the twelfth day of Halloween,
My postman brought to me,
Twelve skeletons a-dancing,
Eleven coffins creaking,
Ten skulls a-smoking,
Nine reapers reaping,
Eight freaky franks,
Seven scary pumpkins,
Six hooting owls,
Five witches riding brooms,
Four spooky ghosts,
Three black cats,
Two walking mummies,
And a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.

On the thirteenth day of Halloween,

Before this could happen............I Moved!