This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily." The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" "Pretty good." "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." "Did you have any trouble?" "Well, there was just one little problem." "What was that?" "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"

"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days."

The resident began his examination of an Elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

It is said that the Limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.

It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger - not like all you chaps.

In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:
-General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
-Surgeons know little and do everything.
-Internists knows everything and do nothing.
-Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "Know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly like your ass."

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

This German guy wants to marry this Polish lady, but Poland has a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just GOT to marry this woman, I love her so much..." So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are VERRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"

A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the finger was broken.

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."

A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor...
Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?
Doctor: Well, she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit? A Hare Cut.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out" Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here"

An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market. Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U. S., we took one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the market for a job!"

There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!." The guy says "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "OK, everyone who can't swim, grab a table...."

A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means
. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" "We should call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor.
RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.
Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...
Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.
Doctor: He's got no arms either...
Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!
Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...
Father: ...
Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse comes with a cradle with a huge ear in it.
Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
Doctor: LOUDER!!! He's deaf too...

Guy walks into a doctor's office...
Guy: Doctor, people ignore me.
Dr: NEXT!

Guy: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Dr: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... Etc.

Guy: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Dr: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Doctor, if I give up wine, women & song, will I live longer
Not really. It will just seem longer.

Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, should I file my nails?
No, throw them away like everybody else.

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: Since when did u have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is anyone here a doctor?." One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee" "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well first of all, your stance is too wide..."

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare oftheir perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.
THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:
1.Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2.Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3.Never moon a werewolf.
5.Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
6.Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover
7.Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8.Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
9.Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
10.Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
11.Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
12.Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
13.Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
14.Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
15.Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
16.Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes... You're fucking crackers.

While we're on the subject of questionable doctors; A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his used to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical examinations: "Should I shave my beard first?" It toke me a while to get it.
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