It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.
' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? " Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference."

A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP. "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is true!)

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?" "Well doctor, I have a question for you. I masturbate, and I was wondering how often is too often." "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do it?" "Three times a day." the man says. "Yeah, that might be a little excessive. Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend?" "I have a girlfriend, doctor", says the man. "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as well...", the doctor says. The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem. The problem is, she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!"

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work. However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed. The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser. The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, lets work on your farting"

I recently went to see my doctor. I said "Doctor, it's me dick!" I flopped it onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so what's the problem?" An' I said "Nuthin. It's a beauty, ain't it!"

One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands shake *all* the time!"

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? Tunnel Vision!

Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health: What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary. Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O. K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."

This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which." "That's terrible," says the man, "what should we do?" "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't fuck her!!!"

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste.

One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow." So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle of pills. An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. The next day all three guys come into the office. 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!" Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."

Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borscht. Later he serves the borscht to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: "Doctor, do you think this borscht too sweet? Can you taste sugar?" The doctor tries it and says, "No." "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have helped."

What does the M. D. After a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
Mentally deficient.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre doctor?
He signs his name under "cause of death."