Employee Memos 

MEMO #1: ATTN: EMPLOYEE'S FUTURE PROGRAM 

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: TRAINING DEPARTMENT 

It is now and always has been, the policy of this company to assure its employees are well trained. Through our SPECIAL
HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program (S.H.I.T. for short), we have given our employees more S.H.1.T. than any other
company in this area. 

If any employee feels that he/she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job or that he/she could advance to another position
by taking more S.H.I.T., please let your supervisor know. 

If you graduate to the top of your list by taking all the S.H.I.T. on the job that is given you, you can qualify for our supervisors
program, COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAM (C.R.A.P. for short). 

So to become a member of our management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can and then with all the additional
C.R.A.P. you receive, you will soon become one of the elite. 

For a limited period only, the company is offering all employees the chance to try our latest scheme ADVANCED
SUPERVISORY STAFF HELPING OUR LOCAL EMPLOYEE (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.). 

So work hard, and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take, and the more C.R.A.P. you can handle, will qualify you as an
A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for sure. 


OFFICE MEMO #2: ATTN: ALL EMPLOYEES RE:USE OF LANGUAGE 

To All Employees: 

It has been brought to the attention of Management that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal
conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be
tolerated. 

The Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when
communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the Management has compiled the following code phrases so that the
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue to flow. 

 OLD PHRASE 
                                    NEW PHRASE 
 No Fucking Way! 
                                    I'm not certain that's feasible. 
 You've got to be shitting me 
                                    Really! 
 Tell someone who gives a fuck 
                                    Perhaps you should check with... 
 Ask me if I give a fuck 
                                    Of course I'm concerned. 
 It's not my fucking problem 
                                    I wasn't involved in that project. 
 What the fuck? 
                                    Interesting behavior. 
 Fuck it, it won't work 
                                    I'm not sure I can implement this. 
 Why the fuck didn't you tell me? 
                                    I'll try to schedule that sooner? 
 When the fuck do you expect me to do this? 
                                    Perhaps I can work late. 
 Who the fuck cares? 
                                    Are you sure it's a problem? 
 He's got his head up his ass 
                                    He's not familiar with this problem. 
 Eat Shit 
                                    You don't say. 
 Eat shit & die 
                                    Excuse me? 
 Eat shit & die, Motherfucker 
                                    Excuse me, sir? 
 What the fuck do they want from my life? 
                                    They weren't happy with it? 
 Fuck it, I'm on salary 
                                    I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. 
 Shove it up your ass 
                                    I don't think you understand. 
 This job sucks 
                                    I love a challenge. 
 Who the hell died and made you boss? 
                                    You want me to take care of this? 
 Blow me 
                                    I see. 
 Blow yourself 
                                    Do you see? 
 Another fucking meeting 
                                    Yes, I think we should discuss this. 
 I really don't give a shit 
                                    I don't think it'll be a problem. 
 Fuck You 
                                    How nice. How very nice.