Employee Memos MEMO #1: ATTN: EMPLOYEE'S FUTURE PROGRAM TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: TRAINING DEPARTMENT It is now and always has been, the policy of this company to assure its employees are well trained. Through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program (S.H.I.T. for short), we have given our employees more S.H.1.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels that he/she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job or that he/she could advance to another position by taking more S.H.I.T., please let your supervisor know. If you graduate to the top of your list by taking all the S.H.I.T. on the job that is given you, you can qualify for our supervisors program, COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY ACTION PROGRAM (C.R.A.P. for short). So to become a member of our management team, simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can and then with all the additional C.R.A.P. you receive, you will soon become one of the elite. For a limited period only, the company is offering all employees the chance to try our latest scheme ADVANCED SUPERVISORY STAFF HELPING OUR LOCAL EMPLOYEE (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.). So work hard, and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take, and the more C.R.A.P. you can handle, will qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. for sure. OFFICE MEMO #2: ATTN: ALL EMPLOYEES RE:USE OF LANGUAGE To All Employees: It has been brought to the attention of Management that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the Management has compiled the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue to flow. OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE No Fucking Way! I'm not certain that's feasible. You've got to be shitting me Really! Tell someone who gives a fuck Perhaps you should check with... Ask me if I give a fuck Of course I'm concerned. It's not my fucking problem I wasn't involved in that project. What the fuck? Interesting behavior. Fuck it, it won't work I'm not sure I can implement this. Why the fuck didn't you tell me? I'll try to schedule that sooner? When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late. Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem? He's got his head up his ass He's not familiar with this problem. Eat Shit You don't say. Eat shit & die Excuse me? Eat shit & die, Motherfucker Excuse me, sir? What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren't happy with it? Fuck it, I'm on salary I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. Shove it up your ass I don't think you understand. This job sucks I love a challenge. Who the hell died and made you boss? You want me to take care of this? Blow me I see. Blow yourself Do you see? Another fucking meeting Yes, I think we should discuss this. I really don't give a shit I don't think it'll be a problem. Fuck You How nice. How very nice.