Resolutions You Won't Keep
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get
another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer
my email.
6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 9GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new
Navigator beta comes out.
New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids,
or they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise
this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it `LEAVE HIS HAND'
A New Year
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies
1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily...well, once a
week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS
Tech Support."
8. I will read the manual.
9. I will think of a password other than "password."
10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.