"The Evolution of Mom"
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
Overheard at a fatal traffic accident: "Let me through - I'm a
necrophiliac."
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
You Might Be a Farmer If…
* Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife does.
* You wave at every vehicle whether you know them or not.
* You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even after dark.
* You have convinced your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip after equipment parts is a vacation.
* You have specific hats worn to: farms sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers and vacation.
* You have ever had to wash off in the back yard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
* You have never willingly thrown away an empty 5-gallon bucket.
* You have used baling wire to attach a license plate to a vehicle.
* You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
* You can remember the fertilizer rate, seeding rate, herbicide rate, and final yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday or dress size.
* You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
* You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
* You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors' crops.
* You have "borrowed" gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
* You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
* You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
* You have used your castrating knife to slice and eat apples just to make your wife queasy.
* And finally, if given $1,000,000 you would keep right on farming. You'd farm differently, but you'd keep farming because that is who and what you are!
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?' ...That's what I do. ", said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
Career Advice
I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or a system administrator?
This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were just made to answer:
PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"
QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut:"Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
getting?"
WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut: Yes!
Fireman: Occasionally.
Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as TV.
WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their homes, yes.
Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, absolutely not.
INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
Fireman: "Backdraft"
Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?
YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of time between missions to relax.
Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like "work millenia."
FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be
spending its money in different ways.
Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive following a 911 call.
Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able to count them all.
YOUR VEHICLE
Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar rocket.
Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin.
In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE:
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admission policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the
bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
"As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator--of all things--off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Vernon enter. A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator. . ."
Creation and Cats
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for
the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or
might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy
and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the
litterbox.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my
hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice
a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
The top 5 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:
5. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
4. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
3. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
2. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."