HEAVEN
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by amazement of all as the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" He actually did. The next day's news item: "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley behind restaurant."

These three guys go down to some Latin American country one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they've done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so we better let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they better let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Fightin' Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had completed his tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding." "Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked. "Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, . . . "I don't believe in specs before marriage."

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus'program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

An Amish gentleman and his 10-year-old son visited a shopping mall. They were particularly awed by an elevator. They watched in utter amazement as a woman, stooped with age and walking with a cane entered the small room where the doors had opened by themselves, then magically closed. Lights began to flash above the doors. Several seconds passed, when the doors magically opened again and out stepped an absolutely gorgeous, healthy young woman. The man blinked a couple of times, then said, "Son, go get your mother."

A friend of mine had been at a truck stop getting some lunch., The food was good, prices reasonable, and the service fairly good. After finishing his meal, he and his companion were drinking coffee and talking, and noticed their waitress talking to one of the customers at the lunch counter. He wanted a refill and wasn't able to catch her eye, but did notice that the customer seemed to be a friend of hers. Just as he was about to get up and ask for a cup he noticed her laughing at something her friend said. Then she reached into the pocket of her uniform, pulled out her 'pack of cigarettes, and gave one to her friend. Well, Cleve says he never had a chance to stand up, let alone ask for another cup of coffee, for just then two highway patrolmen seated on the other side of him flew to their feet, knocking over their chairs, and just about knocked him down getting to the waitress. As one was cuffing her, the other was reading her her rights. The poor girl was flabbergasted, but was finally able to ask what the matter was. The one who had read her her rights cited some portion of the penal code by number, but she just looked even more confused. The other patrolman, perhaps feeling a little friendlier, turned to her and said, Ma'am, you're being charged. . . with contributing to the malignancy of a diner."

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

What goes clippety clop, bang bang, clippety clop, bang bang?
An Amish drive-by.

There was this guy who hated his wife and wanted her murdered. He was talking to his friend Artie about it. Artie said, "I'll kill her for you" The guy says "how much do I need to pay you?" Artie says "I'll do it for a dollar" In amazement the guy says "why so cheap?" To which Artie replies, "because I hate her as much as you do!" The deal was made, but the guy warned Artie..."you can't use a gun, she lives in a condo, you"ll have to use brute force, or a knife, something quiet." Artie, being a former body builder says, "no prob." On the designated day, Artie silently steals into the condo. Suddenly, he heard a knock at the door. He quickly opened the door and there stood the postman. Artie felt he had no choice so he killed him.... strangled him to death. As he was creeping down the hallway, he came across the maid in a back bedroom, and of course he had to strangle her too! Finally he found the wife in the den, and completing his agreement, strangled her to death. But he left his fingerprints eveywhere, so he was arrested and charged. And do you know what the headlines in the next day's paper read? ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka in a water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal isnot: "Rub-A-dub-dub,thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work. Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. Bewildered, the husband demanded, " What was that for? "I'm sorry, " his wife replied stiffly, . . . "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers."

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

"Missed ya last week, Jim. Where were ya?" Asked Bob, the longtime fishing buddy."Oh, I couldn't make it out to the lake. My wife had a baby!""Oh, how big was it?""Five pounds, eight ounces." "Damn, hardly worth the bait!"

My kids had a lot in common with my father-in-law when they were born. Toothless, bald, and demanding.

Multiple births seem to be popping up all over the place: Twins, triplets, Quads, Quints, and more! I think I can understand what's going on: The shape the world's in today, kids are afraid to come out by themselves!

COLLECTIBLES
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

FISHING
Weighted down with fishing paraphernalia, the man staggered up to the department store cash register. The total was rung up, and, as he stood there writing the check, he was heard to murmur,"It'd be a hell of a lot cheaper if you guys just sold the fish!"

COLLECTIBLES
Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

FISHING
Weighted down with fishing paraphernalia, the man staggered up to the department store cash register. The total was rung up, and, as he stood there writing the check, he was heard to murmur,"It'd be a hell of a lot cheaper if you guys just sold the fish!"

MONEY
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant asked. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

ICE CUBES
One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He said, "Honey, what's wrong?" She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!"

There were some backwoods ignorant hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whip Clarence's butt." He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whip Clarence's butt?" He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: ....."CLARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"