Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.
Spock - Good day, Captain.
Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the
'shit out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of 'Hurrah'
and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?
Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I may be of assistance.
Kirk - That's the idea.
Spock - Very well... proceed.
Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.
Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk - So?
Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.
Kirk - No... Who's on first.
Spock - I do not know.
Kirk - No... he's third base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - No... he's first base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Correct.
Spock - Who is correct?
Kirk - Sometimes.
Spock - Who is sometimes?
Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.
Spock - Who's identity?
Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Right.
Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - I said the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
dysfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second
baseman?
Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
McCoy - Obviously.
Spock - That much is certain.
McCoy - Just get back to the skit.
Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the second baseman?
Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.'
Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.
Spock - That statement is most illogical.
Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...
Scott - Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
Kirk - You see, Spock?
Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?
Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!
Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.
Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!
Spock - What has this got to do with field events?
Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott.
Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
Spock - Who is?
Scott - Right!
Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott - Aye, sir.
Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer
interested in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.
Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.
Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.
[Spock leaves.]
Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't
remember a Whoever on the team...
STAR TREK: IN SEARCH OF POWER
"Sulu, set path to the root directory and install the ram disk for 320k. We're taking her out." "Aye, sir." "Scotty, I want full power to the megabit ram chips and to the hard drives." "Captain, yer overloadin' her as it is. The power supply just isn't built to take two hard drrrives." "Power, Scotty! I want more power! Chekov, install the disk cache. Spock, any word on the millions of instructions per second?" "Fascinating, Captain. It seems as if the turbo accelerator boardis overrunning the hard drive, which, due to its poorer response time, is slowing down the system performance." "Scotty, where is that power!?" "Captain, I'm givin ye all she's got. It's that miserable 80986
with the 512k bit bus multiplexed down to one pin. The wee beastie has these teeny weeny little segments that can only handle so much. You'll have to install an extended memory board, do bank switching, and allocate a huge ram disk if you want to go any faster." "Chekov, install the EMS board." "Yes, sir."
"Uhura, any word from mainframe command?" "Well, Captain, we're received several interrupts from the serial port, but because we're not multitasking, the data is just sitting there."
"Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix?"
"Captain, if ye can squeeze another 60 megabytes onto that hard
disk, we might have room for Unix and a couple of system utilities. Possibly an application. We'll need to increase the clock speed to 28 gigahertz. I think we can do it, but there are too many unknowns, too many bugs in the system! We'll have to do a proper shakedown." "Spock?" "Unix is a massive system, Captain, and the commands have to be decoded from hieroglyphics invented back in ancient times. It may be more than we can handle."
"Sulu, put in the 60 meg hard drive, install Unix for mouse drive. Prepare to go to Task speed on my signal."
"Mouse drive? ......Aye, Captain." "Now! Yes, Bones? What do you want?" "Jim, you just have a little spreadsheet work, mailing labels, and some word processing. Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?" "Sulu?" "Captain, she's shifting into multitasking. Task one. Task two.... Captain, I'm losing control at the helm. It looks like we've encountered a bad sector." "Put it on visual, Sulu." "Captain, the VGA is not responding, sir. Shifting resolution into EGA mode."
"Spock? What's the problem?" "Unknown, Captain. Unix seems to be rerouting all input to a null device." Trying 'grep'", now muttering, "whatever that is." "Scotty, what's happening with those '/dev' subdirectories?" "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Scotty, we're not using the math chip."
"Sorry, Captain, but I haven't been able to say that for twenty
minutes." "Uhura, notify mainframe command." "Captain, either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping into Shakespearean stutter mode again." "Captain, she canna take much morrre.... Another fifteen seconds and me math chips'll burrrn up for surrre...." "Enough Scotty!" "Captain! I'm getting a message from mainframe command...... Apparently, sir, they're going to time-warp previously forgotten modes of data handling, it looks like SQL syntax is forming in the language port now."
"Scotty, quick, pop-up the menu shields. This could be a trick to get us back to card punching." "I'm sorry, Captain, but Dbase LCXIX doesn't have pop-ups that work yet." "Chekov, we need hardcopy! Fire HP LaserJet!" "Aye, sir." "Bones, how do I see which tasks are active?" "I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!" "Scotty! Why can't I get a directory on this thing!!?"
"Captain, ye just canna have a mouse driven pull down menu system
with Unix. It's like matter and antimatter, the system's too bogged down. Yer drainin me quartz crystals." "Chekov, report."
"Captain, the little arrow is responding, but it gets to the side
of the screen before the windows have a chance to move..."
"Spock? What's happening to our multitasking?" "It appears as if the needs of the one are outweighing the needs of the many."
"Captain, she's not even runnin on reserve now. We'll have to do
a cold boot for surrre." "Bones?" "It's dead, Jim."
46 Things that never happen in Star Trek
1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague,for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
without serious incident.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame
it on in the end.
13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny,day.
19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is
discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if
successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power
throughout the quadrant."
20) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23) Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24) Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's
position.
26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32) The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without
having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in
the room.
35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36) Data falls in love with the replicator.
37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in
three sentences that anyone says to him.
41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive
episode.
42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
(Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics
45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46) The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has Sponsors!
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express
transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there
instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the
choice of the Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
