THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY

1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

6. Hold your nose while you eat.

7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

8. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

10. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

A THANKSGIVING POEM

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie

But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ....
happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please!

YOU CAN OVER-DO THANKSGIVING IF...

* You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses

* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy

* Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian

* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

* The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland
* You get grass stains on your bottom after a walk, but never sat down

* Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist

* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

* You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday

* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy

* You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games

* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"

* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn

* Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed

* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice

* You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty

* It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas

* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" 
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." 
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." 
"Talk about a huge breast!" 
"It's Cool Whip time!" 
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" 
"Are you ready for seconds yet?" 
"Are you going to come again next time?" 
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" 
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" 
"Don't play with your meat." 
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." 
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" 
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" 
"You still have a little bit on your chin." 
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." 
"How long will it take after you stick it in?" 
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up." 
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" 
"How many are coming?" 
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" 
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." 
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"


Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. It's hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ("Will it cook faster if I drive faster?"), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!

Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.

Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't." (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, "Medium."

A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, "Yes," then offered complete roasting directions.

Dead Turkeys
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The Scrawny Bird
It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door. "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"