Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.
What To Call It:
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton's latest escapade.Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he's been accused of participating in. Perhaps it's time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um.. Oh never mind.
The New Elements for the Periodic Table:
* Limbaughium Lb:
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.
* Billclintium Bc:
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
* Canadium Eh:
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.
* Innofensium Pc:
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
* Newtium:
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge.Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
* Quaylium Vp:
Einsteinium it ain't.
* Budweisium Ps:
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.
* Cabmium Cb:
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
* Politicium Po:
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
* Congress Cg:
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
* Snot Sn:
Bonds forever with corduroy.
How NOT to Write Headlines:
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says.
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
29. Drunken Driver Pays $1,000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charges
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping the Needy
42. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
53. Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Murphy's Laws of Combat:
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
* Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
* Rex! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
* Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
* Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
* Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? * Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And heck, this guy's got two of'em....
* Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
* That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses... Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
* Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
* Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
* This patient has already had children, am I correct?
* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
* Accept this sacrifice, oh, lord of darkness.
Probably Real Product Warining Labels:
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
-On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
-On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
-On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
-On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
-On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
-On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
-On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
-On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
-On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
-On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
-On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
Some Useful Descriptions Of People You May Know:
* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
* A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
* During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
* Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Savings Plan:
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Ancient Writings
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss whatthey could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again... It now says:
"'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!'"
Question and Answer:
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Q: What was the blonde doing in the tree?
A: Raking leaves.
Can You Give Me Something For This?:
A man gets a priapism and decides to get help for it. So he goes a pharmacy to see if there's any medicine for it. He walks in, and there's a lady behind the counter. She says to him, "Can I help you?" He responds, "I'd like to speak to the pharmacist." She replies, "I am the pharmacist." He asks, "Is there a male pharmacist available?" She responds, "There is no male pharmacist here. My sister and I are co-owners of this pharmacy. I would appreciate your telling me whatever you would tell a male pharmacist." He mumbles, "Well, ok" and he unzips his fly, pulls out his penis, and there's the priapism. He says, "It's been like this for three days and I don't think it's going to go down. Can you give me something for it?" The pharmacist responds, "Let me go back in the back room and consult with my sister about this." A few minutes later, she comes back out front and says, "We can give you $500."
It's The Results That Count:
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Jones was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."
Some Brief Words Of Wisdom
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Totally Useless Information:
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
Things that make you go HMMM:
* Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.
* The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. It's name was Fred.
* In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
* Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
* In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
* About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
* In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
* In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
* 1,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
* In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
* In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
* About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
* An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
* Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
* The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.
* A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
* America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
* Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
* The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
* Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.
* In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones-Buthan
* When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.
* You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
* Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
* A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
* About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
* It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
* Every day, an estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity.
* Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.
* Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
* Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991.
* Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
* Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
* Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
* The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
* When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
* Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
* Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.
* 27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
* In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
* An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
* Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
* "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
Sign Language:
There was this construction worker, Steve, on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. Steve needed a hand saw but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. So he tried to call to his fellow worker, Joe, on the ground to get it for him, but Joe could not hear a word he said. So Steve started to give signs to Joe so that Joe could understand him. First Steve pointed to his eyes (meaning "I"), then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, Joe started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. Steve got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at Joe, "You idiot, I was trying to say, 'I need a hand saw!'" Joe replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I'm coming..."
Question and Answer:
Q. What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher ?
A. One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
Q. Why did they have to put a fence around the graveyard ?
A. Because people were dying to get in.
Q. What did one eye say to the other ?
A. There's something between us that smells.
Q. What could you call a highly educated and skilled plumber ?
A. A drain surgeon
Q. How can you spell a mouse trap in three letters?
A. CAT
Q. What is an adult ?
A. Someone who has stopped growing, except around the waist.
Q. Why was the tooth all dressed up ?
A. Because the dentist was taking it out that night.
Q. Which cruel person would sit on a baby ?
A. A baby sitter.
Q. Why are Egyptian children good children ?
A. Because they respect their mummies
"more Useless Jokes"