A pipehead tries to smoke Drano crystals in a hookah. After he recovers from destroying several thousand brain cells in his head, he dials 911 and blames his dealer for selling him bad dope.

A man steals a blank headstone from a funeral home, engraves his mother's name on it, and places it in his backyard. When confronted with the theft, he explains that his wife poured his mother's ashes down the sink and the man wished to put a marker over the septic tank where his mother now resides.

A woman who has fought with her common-law husband for ten years reports that her TV remote control triggered the electronically operated door on the garage and crushed his skull.

Two cousins break into the back of a liquor store, then can's start their car. They flee on foot, then report their car as stolen. It's a good plan. Except that they don't bother to change their shoes. The liquor store's floor had been freshly painted and the cousins track the paint all over the police station floor when they file their stolen car report.

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires." "Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some."

"I am a Paramedic, recently I was called to a scene where a man in his late 60s had died and obviously been there a couple of days. We searched for any sign of trauma.... None. We looked for anything that might indicate a medical problem... heart meds etc..... None. The only medicine we found: Viagra. About that time the coroner arrived (a strikingly pretty gal) who asked me, "How long has he been dead?" I replied a couple of days, she said, "Oh so he is stiff then?" I handed her the Viagra bottle and said, "In more ways than one..."

Our receptionist, (yes, she is a blonde), often takes orders to call out for pizza on nights we work late. One night, after placing an order for two pizza's from around the corner, we asked her how long it would be. She said she was told 40 minutes. When we commented to her that we thought that was a long time, she responded "that seems about right, it takes 20 minutes to cook a pizza and we ordered 2 of them".

Heather works with a Russian gent who is trying to learn the idiomatic phrases of English. At the end of the workday another worker always comes in the office and asks if there's anything they can do for us before they leave. A girl jokingly said once, "Yeah, you can go to the bathroom for me." The next day, the Russian gent (trying to fit in) decided to answer "can we do something for you before we leave?" and he said, "Yes, take my dick to the bathroom."

Allen was in a store that was playing Steve Miller's "Jet Liner". He said there was some kid next to him that had the lyrics completely screwed up and was singing, "Big Old Rat Had A Light On . . ."

Greg tells me about his sister-in-law (yet another gorgeous blonde): We were playing Trivial Pursuit on night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature" Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it? She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off".

Finally, Alan tells me about his son and his son's new under- wear with superheroes on it. One morning he comes running into the bedroom, grabs the front of his pants and annouces proudly, "Ive got Superman in my pants, Daddy. What have you got in yours?" Before checking, I turned to my wife, "Well, how should I answer him?" She was too busy laughing.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages,such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want!" Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything that you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?" The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He turns around to see a frog. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to LasVegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots of Scotch. The bartender is a bit surprised by this request, but proceeds to line up ten shot glasses in a row in front of the customer, and fills each with a shot. The man picks up the first glass, drinks the whole shot, and puts the empty glass back down on the bar. He then picks up the next full glass and downs it. He does the same for the remaining eight shots. At which point, the bartender says, "Excuse me - I don't mean to be nosy, but are you celebrating something, or what?" The man replies, "Yes. As a matter of fact, I had my first blow job today!" The bartender pats him on the shoulder and begins to pour another, saying, "Well, in that case- have one on me!" The man answers, "No, thanks. If *ten* didn't kill the taste, another won't!"

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing until our busboy came with water and tableware. He, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket.I looked around the room and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc., had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" Well,?" he explained, ?"our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per sshift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and,sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what... about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...aboutbegan in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
* There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
* Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
* Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
* You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
* Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes out a pair of 'Nikes' from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look on his face exclaims,'Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?'His friend replies:'I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you.'

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away a little upset and sat down with his friends. A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.' So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. So, he orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?' And the string says, 'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.'In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. 'The bus driver insulted me.' she fumed.The man sympathized and said: 'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.' 'You're right.' She said. 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.' 'That's a good idea,' the man said. 'Here, let me hold your monkey.'

There are three old sisters living in a house together. The first sister is pouring the water for her bath. She puts one foot in and asks herself if she was getting in or out. She stands there trying to figure it out. The second sister is walking up the stairs. She gets to the middle and can't remember if she was going up or down. The third sister seeing all of this stands next to the cubboard and says, 'I hope I never get as bad as those two. Knock on wood.'

This man had to take a bunch of penguins to the zoo for the new exibit. On the way into town his truck broke down and he pulled over to the side of the road. A guy pulls up next to him and says, 'Hey, do you need some help?'The man says, 'Actually, all I need is to get these penguins to the zoo. f I give you 50 bucks will you make sure you take them?'So the guy takes the money and the penguins and takes off. The man went to fix his truck and an hour later he's pulling up into town to go check on the penguins. He stops at a red light and looks across the street and sees the guy walking with all the penguins following behind him. The man gets out of his car and screams at the guy, 'Hey! What are you doing? I thought I gave you 50 bucks to get the penguins to the zoo!!'The guy turns with a big smile and says, 'I did take them to the zoo and I had some money left over so now I'm taking them to the movies.'

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three legged chicken running along beside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hr. the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that he knew about the chicken, as a matter of fact the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. The salesman said ' That's the

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