ELOPING IS HARD:

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a 
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.  He 
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get 
one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the 
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they 
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice 
versa.  They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and 
got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in 
the wrong format.  Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued 
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back.  If there 
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal,
and 
any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
***********************************************************************

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME FOLKS:

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems 
with her sex life.  The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did 
not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.  Finally he 
asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere 
and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this 
further.  Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's 
face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur
that 
you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."
***********************************************************************

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR:

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.  The genie popped
out 
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be 
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...

VARIATION:

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally. rubbed it.  The genie popped
out 
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be 
inside some pussy all the time."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a tampon...
***********************************************************************

FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS IN MS WORD:

Type these words:   

I'd like Bill Clinton to resign 

Next, use your mouse and highlight the entire line.  Next, go to 
"thesaurus" and run a check on this.  (Go to
"tools-language-thesaurus") 
Look at what alternative you are given.
***********************************************************************

BRAIN TEASERS:

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced 
incorrectly.  What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. 
What 
time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart.
 
The bottom rung is one foot from the water.  The tide rises at 12
inches 
every 15 minutes.  High tide peaks in one hour.  When the tide is at 
it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls.  Each wall faces south.  There is
a 
window in each wall.  A bear walks by one of the windows.  What color
is 
the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room.  The shutters are blowing in.  There is broken
glass 
on the floor.  There is water on the floor.  You find Sloppy dead on
the 
floor.  Who is Sloppy?  How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that
has 
been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water 
which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, 
mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same 
time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?  Same 
question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, 
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?  11. 
If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other 
field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the 
center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
 
Answers below...

1. The word "incorrectly."  {Almost cracked your  brain, didn't you?}
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between 
two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White.  If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, 
and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three.  Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you 
follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed 
before addition.  So... half of two is one.  Then add two, and the 
answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish.  The wind blew the shutters in, which
knocked 
his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.  {Poor 
Sloppy.}
7. None.  No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence
of 
dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another 
reason, too.  You would have needed the length measurement too.  So you 
don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F 
water hits the bottom of the bucket last.  Did you think that the water 
in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen?  Think again.  The question said 
nothing about that bucket having anything in it.  Therefore, there is
no 
water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 
5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One.  If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big 
stack.
12. The temperature.
***********************************************************************

COLD DAY IN HELL:

A Texan dies and goes to hell.  While down there the Devil notices that 
the Texan is not suffering like the rest.  He checks the gauges and
sees 
that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity.  So he goes over to the 
Texan and asks why he's so happy.  The Texan says, "I like it here. 
The 
temperature is just like Texas in June. 

The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him,
so 
he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the 
humidity to 90%.  After turning everything up he goes looking for the 
Texan.  He finds him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as 
happy as can be.

The Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy.  The Texan 
says, "This is even better.  It's like Texas in July."  The Devil, now 
upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. 

He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 degrees and 
the humidity to 100%.  "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says.
 
So he goes looking for the Texan. He finds him taking his shirt off, 
even happier then before. 

The Devil can't figure it out.  He asks the Texan why he's happy now.  
The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August." 

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy."  He goes over and turns 
the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees.  "Let's see what the 
Texan has to say about this."  The Devil looks around and finds the 
Texan jumping up and down for joy and yelling.....

......."THE TEXAS RANGERS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
***********************************************************************

THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS:

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual 
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
 
* In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating 
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
* Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
* Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
* Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
* Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel 
like Delilah.
* Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread 
which is bread without any ingredients.
* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
* Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
* The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
* The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
* Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
* The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand 
still and he obeyed him.
* David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
* He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in 
Biblical times.
* Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna 
Carta.
* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus 
in the manager.
* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
* St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
* Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others 
before they do one to you.
* He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the 
tombstone off the entrance.
* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
* The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
* One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which 
is another name for marriage.
* A Christian should have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.
***********************************************************************

MORE QUOTES FROM PEOPLE AND STUFF:

You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?"  I bet if you 
looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or 
something. 
  - Lee Entrekin

I believe men, like women, play games.  They are just much simpler.  
Kind of like comparing playing house to neurosurgery. 
  - Lane Rohrbaugh

Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is 
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. 
  - Bill Cosby
 
You can't say civilization isn't advancing, for in every war they kill 
you in a new way. 
  - Will Rogers

The wages of sin is death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's 
just sort of a tired feeling.
  - Paula Poundstone

Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport.  Dancing is a 
contact sport. 
  - Vince Lombardi

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, 
there is no respect for age.  I missed it coming and going. 
  - J. B. Priestley

To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. 
  - Eva Young

Actual TV announcement: "Tuesday Night at the Movies will be seen on 
Saturday this week instead of Monday."

Laughter is the best medicine.  Unless you're really sick.  Then you 
should call 911. 
  - ABC-TV advertisement in Entertainment magazine

Everyone is a philosopher.  Not everyone is good at it. 
  - Alfred North Whitehead

Mankind in general occupies the position between the angels and the 
French. 
  - Mark Twain

Above average intelligence has always run in my family.  Ambition, 
however, has always walked with a limp. 
  - Jeff MacNelly (Shoe)

The only problem with home canning is that eventually you have to eat 
the stuff. 
  - J. Wagner (Crabby Road)

Noah: "Tell them to line up alphabetically ... food-chain order might 
lead to problems." 
  - Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. 
  - Tom Snyder

Eccentricity is like having an accent. It's what "other" people have. 
  - Oliver Sacks
***********************************************************************

ANACONDA INFO:

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its 
volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle.  It tells what to do in case 
you are attacked by an anaconda.  Now an anaconda is the largest snake 
in the world.  It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to 
thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred 
pounds at the maximum.  This is what the manual said:


1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.  The snake is faster 
than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground.  Put your arms tight against your sides,
your 
legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from 
the feet end - always from the end.  Permit the snake to swallow your 
feet and ankles.  Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body.  You must 
lie perfectly still.  This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little 
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide 
it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and 
your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
***********************************************************************

WORST ANALOGIES EVER:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy 
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those 
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at 
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without
one 
of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to 
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door 
open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling 
ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled 
with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, 
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck 
Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. 
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access 
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by 
mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry 
them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie 
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall 
Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the 
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left 
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on 
a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that 
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had 
also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of 
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara 
Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like 
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
***********************************************************************

HOW DO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:

* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York 
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago 
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: 
Boston 
* One hand on wheel, one hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on 
accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A. 
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in 
terror: Ohio, but driving in California 
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accellerator, head turned 
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy 
* One hand on Latte', one finger in nose, one knee on wheel, cradling 
cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians 
cross against the light: San Francisco 
* One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the
dash 
board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot
on 
the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, 
listening to KEZR 
* Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in 
lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle 
* Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly 
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their 
own or another's car: Colorado 
* One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving 
a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out 
for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up 
any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: 
Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates. 
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both 
feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a 
McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male 
* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed 
steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming 
around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the 
road: Texas country male 
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different 
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and 
rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, 
poodle steering the car, chrome 38 revolver with mother of pearl
inlayed 
handle in the glove compartment: Texas female