WHAT WOULD YOU DO?:
A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a construction
worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him what he
would
do if he only had 5 minutes to live.
"Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss
anything that moves," he answered. "What would you do?"
"I'd stand perfectly still."
A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE:
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School
class
about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. "The
other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a
"honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on
the
back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting
experience followed.
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in
thought
about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's
a
good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that
the
light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the
guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his
window and screamed, 'For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus
Christ! Go!'
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to
all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share
in the love.
"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could
hear
him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in
a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I
asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it
was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I
have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave
him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he
was enjoying the love of this religious experience.
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I
noticed
that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving
brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light
changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all
that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I
drove away.
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love
Jesus!!!"
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MORE CHURCH BLOOPERS:
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycles.
* Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church.
* Evening massage - 6 PM
* The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
* The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
* Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
* Ushers will eat latecomers.
* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
* The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing " Break Forth into Joy."
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
* A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
* Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
* Due to the Rectors illness, Wednesday's healing service will be
discontinued until further notice.
* Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid it All."
* The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special
thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening
at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
* Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the
home
of Mrs. Marsh Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sand a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
* Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full
choir
* Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Bodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice is Sounding"
* (on a church bulletin during the minister's illness)
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better
* Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
* The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell may 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to
join the choir.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
for the girth of their first child.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please us large double door at
the
side entrance.
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FORTUNE TELLING:
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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CHEATING...
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says
to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky
replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want
to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house
and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to
do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the
surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save
my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing,
you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all
right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?"
Hit-n-Run Points Chart
Small furry rodent 10 pts
Small mammal 25 pts
Large mammal 75 pts
Bird-any size 15 pts...bonus 50 pts if airborne
Small child 100 pts...bonus 50 pts if on trike
Large child 150 pts...bonus 50 pts if on bike
High School student 200 pts...bonus 100 pts on skateboard
College student 300 pts...bonus 200 pts if drunk
Anyone on roller blades 300 pts...bonus 50 pts if on sidewalk
Pedestrian 50 pts...bonus 25 pts if holding
object/child
Jogger/runner 25 pts...bonus 10 pts if w/walkman
Famous person 200 pts...bonus 100 pts if w/security
Officer directing traffic 150 pts
Student Security Assistant 250 pts
Resident Assistant 500 pts
Construction worker 100 pts
Snow bank 50 pts...bonus 50 pts if covering
hard object
Any stationary object 100 pts...bonus 50 pts if object
jumps out at you
Any building 200 pts...bonus 200 pts if fast
food restaurant
Entering building with car 2000 pts...bonus 200 pts for each
occupant in car
Any President 2000 pts
Kid Idiot (Police Cadet) 150 pts...bonus 100 pts if directing
traffic
Airplane 1500 pts
Boat 1500 pts
Elvis 2500 pts
Any other "dead" person 1000 pts
Any other moving vechicle 100 pts
Anything on wheels 150 pts
Anything not on this list 150 pts
Creator of this list 1500 pts...bonus 100 pts if armed
If person lands on feet 75 pts
Person still posseses object 100 pts
Blonde People 50 pts
Vehicle does not recieve
Any damage 100 pts
No blood on vehicle 200 pts
Larger vehicle -150 pts
Speed trap -100 pts + citation
Citation - 1 pt per dollar
Police vehicle -1000 pts
"Flying First Class"
On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, " You've seated me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: " Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues..."It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person." Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for
the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and
introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living
room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on
the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken
vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
------------------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-----------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next
day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can
have mine."
-----------------------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've
found
a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-----------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let
her keep him.
-----------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe. - Jackie Mason
-----------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-----------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-----------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
-----------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
----------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
-----------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never
get
to prove it.
-----------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-----------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word
you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with
the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
-----------------------
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as
both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the
house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
-------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
-------------------------
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
-------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it
once.
-------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute.
-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.
"No," says the boy. "Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, "No, ... I'm not sleepy yet."