Get yourself down to the houses of parliament. From Westminster Underground station Go left, then right. Its the fuck off massive building with the clock. (It is enjoyable here to ask every single policeman for the time in order to see how many of them appreciate the irony. When I tried, it seemed that most of them were Alanis Morissette fans as they just told me with straight policeman style faces.) Continue along to the main entrance, usually populated by queues for the public gallery. Ignore these, you are exercising your basic rights of citizenship, they are just tourist wankers. Proceed directly to the PC on the gate and tell him you have come to lobby your MP, he will let you through. Walk through to the security gate, this includes a bag-scanning machine and a walk-through metal detector. Because of this it is inadvisable to take a gun, though When the thing went off as I walked through it, no one seemed to notice/care. It was only the keys in my pocket but when I think what I could of been carrying, I just kick myself, damn. Anyway, proceed straight on to the main lobby and go to the desk on your left.
At the desk ask the person behind it with the poncy white bow tie for a green card. You will be expected to know not just the name of the MP you wish to interview and the topic this interview will cover but also your own name and the time. This latter part may prove difficult to some people so prepare in advance. This is also the first stage of the process in which you may be prompted for your address and telephone number. There is no reason for you to tell the truth at this stage, no checks are ever performed on your submitted details so feel free to lie as creatively as possible. Hand over the completed card. The person dealing with you will first phone the MP's office to check where they are. If they are in the house, the card will go through and the MP will be obliged to come out into the lobby and talk to you. If the MP is in its office, you will have to try and speak on the phone and either get it to come down to the lobby or invite you to its office.
Once you have got hold of the MP, the onus falls upon you to be as crafty a possible. Try to catch it out, for example, think up a country say, 'South Sycopantia' and a crisis to go with it, then demand to know the MP's position on it. If they pretend to know what you are talking about, you are then free to tell everyone in the vicinity about the ineptitude you have witnessed and/or laugh in their face. If you have followed all these instructions correctly but for any reason cannot get hold of the MP, feel free to make as much rightrously indignant noise as you want. Remember, the established laws of the land are on your side.
Shown Here, the pass into 7 Millbank where several MPs have offices that was given out when I lobbied Chez Gillan, MP for the constituency of Amersham and Chesham. Surprisingly, Chez isn't really that great, only ever managing to become a very junior minister under John Major, despite having one of the safest Tory seats in the country. Makes you wonder who she slept with...
Back To Westminster Fun
Retournez-Vous aux chateau d'amour, fasciste Funki...
HA HA! as punishment for clicking on things you shouldn't, you now have to scroll all the way back to the top. It serves you right, you know it does.
