A NEW DOGMA
(DOGMA 2)
Story
by
Bruce Hartford 3rd
Concept
by
Kevin Smith
(King of King’s and Lord of Lord’s)
-- -- --
-Then God said, "Let us make a man - someone like ourselves, to be the master of all life upon this earth and in the skies." So God made man like his maker. Like God did God make man; Man and maid did he make them.
-Genesis 1:26, 27
-Then as I looked, I saw a door standing upon heaven, and the same voice I had heard before, that sounded like a mighty trumpet blast, spoke to me and said, "Come up here and I will show you what must happen in the future!"
-Revelation 4:1
-"I'll fuck this bitch, I'll fuck that bitch,... I'll fuck anything that moooves!"
-Jay
------------------------------------------
25 years later!
EXT. DEEP FOREST JUNGLE - NIGHT
We circle around a lush tropical forest, high above the trees. Monkeys can bee seen jumping through the limbs and birds constantly take to flight. While it is nighttime the animals still seem to be restless.
The credits roll over these establishing shots.
We pan down through a particular tree. Passing limbs and leaves we find several monkeys, disturbed. We can also hear a strange noise about. Almost as if someone is sawing wood, slowly.
A MONKEY, particularly irritated starts slowly down the limbs. We follow him until we come upon a MAN who seems to be sleeping in a makeshift hammock. He is wearing nothing but what seems to be a loin cloth around his waist and genitals. His back is to us, but immediately we can tell the noise is coming from him. He is snoring quite loudly and the monkeys are mad. OUR MONKEY finally musters the nerve to pinch the NAKED MAN’s (N.M.) nose.
We CU on his nose careful not to reveal his face too much. Suddenly disturbed he sways an arm at the monkey and grunts some. His snoring ceases but only for a moment.
CUT TO:
INT. LARGE CHURCH - DAY (SUNDAY)
The REVEREND and the AUDIENCE are in the middle of Sunday Mass. We can hear the REVEREND lecture on the scriptures while we dolly down the aisles looking at the audience.
This church seems to be filled mostly with listeners. Intent people who are faithful enough to resist the sleep this early in the morning. There are however, a few exceptions. One such being a FATHER and a MOTHER feebly trying to subdue their wailing infant. The MOTHER tries frantically and feverishly to stick a pacifier in her baby’s mouth and ignore the fuss. The FATHER leans in to try and catch the youth's attention with fatherly humor.
FATHER
Come on, come on, who's your daddy? Whoo's your daddy? UhP! Peek-a-boo! UhPP! Peek-a-boo!
The poor man is running out of whit and they decide to adjourn outside to care for the child. They get up and walk out of frame. A few people around them smile with glee at their departure. Most however are too riveted by the Reverend’s avant-garde words.
CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP FOREST JUNGLE - NIGHT
N.M. rolls to his back. We still can not see his face because of the darkness of the night. He is snoring his best, still.
Suddenly a rock, about the size of a large fist, comes charging up at the man. It bounces off the bark beside him and misses. Frightened by it, the monkeys scurry away like rabbits.
CUT TO:
INT. LARGE CHURCH - DAY
As we still dolly through the faces of the crowd we come to an OLD MAN, approximately 70 years old, with his head tilted back. He is fast asleep. His elderly WIFE next to him is asleep as well. No one notices the pair and the REVEREND seems to reach a particularly climactic part of his sermon. His voice becoming amplified the OLD WOMAN wakes suddenly. The OLD MAN has yet to do the same. She looks around to see if anyone noticed her slumber and sees her husband, head cocked and all. She smacks him in the back of the head and he jerks awake.
OLD WOMAN
Dammit Harold wake up. For Christ sake - show some respect!
CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP FOREST JUNGLE - NIGHT
The N.M. is hit suddenly with a rock flung from underneath. The rock pegs his leg and he jerks a bit. He rolls to his side (back to us again) and scratches his ass. His snoring returns.
After a minute or two of sleep another, bigger rock flies up and hits his shoulder. He lifts up his body quickly awakening, only find himself loosing balance. He falls from the tree and out of camera. We hear his hollering.
NAKED MAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
It is apparently a long drop.
CUT TO:
INT. LARGE CHURCH- DAY
Again, panning through the audience we come across a less than motivated preteen boy (braces and all). He is making quite the effort to peer down the blouse of a female sitting in front of him. Although he is making an attempt to be nonchalant about it we pan to his FATHER who notices the boy and chuckles. Continuing moving down we see the MOTHER looking furiously at the father. She smacks him in the arm in much the same way the OLD LADY did her husband in the head.
WIFE
GEORGE!
The father jumps and hits his boy the same way.
FATHER
Pay attention to the service boy!
CUT TO:
EXT. DEEP FOREST JUNGLE - NIGHT
NAKED MAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *THUMP*
We hear his voice again only this time it gets louder as he falls closer to us. Suddenly falling in camera he lands in the dirt. Seemingly unharmed he turns his head to notice a pair of black boots. He looks up to the man. (We are still unable to see his face) He jumps up in the defensive. He takes a swift Karate style stance. We hear chuckling from the CLOTHED MAN.
The darkness of the night and the camera positioning makes it still impossible to get a good look at either’s face.
NAKED MAN
SO, You've finally come to test me eh?
CLOTHED MAN
Don't flatter yourself Tarzan.
NAKED MAN
Liar! What then,... you want to try and kill me??
CLOTHED MAN
Well, aren't we full of ourselves today. Your status here doesn't intimidate me. Your clothing sense might, but not your heritage. You, your brother and your shit for brains father can go fuck your hands for all I give a shit.
The Naked Man, upon hearing the cursing quickly covers his ears.
N.M.
(singing)
Lalalalalalalalalala.
I-can't-hear-you-potty-mouth!
C.M.
(to himself)
Fucking baby...
N.M. finishes his chanting and uncovers his ears.
N.M.
Are you done now?
C.M
With your mom.
N.M.
So, you’re not going to test me and your not going to kill me. What are here for?
C.M.
I’m here to ask you a question and if I don’t like the answer, then I’m here to warn you.
N.M.
Oh, you’re going to warn me? Is that a big-fat-thug thing or have you decided to be kind? Of course being kind has never really been your style has it? I can’t see that changing unless you want to apologize first. Do you?
The Clothed Man seems to have a very short temper and at the least a disturbingly frightening demeanor. He is obviously not one of the good guys.
C.M.
(screamingly irate)
You can suck my dick until your lips run dry, you motherfucking dipshit!!
(suddenly subdued and very serious)
I have no intention of apologizing. For anything. Ever. I have no intention of accepting any apologies either. I will, however, watch you try, disturbingly hard to recieve my forgiveness for your insignificance.
(a beat)
That’s not a warning, it’s not even a threat, it’s just purely, inevitable.
N.M.
Well, you haven't lost your sparkling personality.
C.M. sits on a rock and lays his head on his hands. He seems to be dwelling on something. N.M., intrigued, moves closer.
N.M.
It’s been a long time friend. A long time. I can remember you and I being inseparable. We were for all intent and purposes, brothers! I know you miss me as much as I miss you. We all miss you. Why do you continue with this? Why do you forsake us still?
C.M.
I could've given you everything he did.
(looks to the sky)
I could've given you much more.
(He looks to him morosely)
Do you know how many could'ves I’ve had in my past? I feel pain too, I always will, don't forget that.
(a beat)
Of course you remember the good things. That’s your nature. Do you know what my nature was? To suffer, my brother, to suffer. You are confused to say I chose this way. I, we, never had a choice. I was never blessed with a choice.
(very serious)
I don’t regret anything and I don’t choose my ways. My color has always been black, even in the beginning. You just liked to color me white, brother.
N.M.
(quietly)
Nobody pities you more than me. No matter what.
He rests his hand on his shoulder. We CU on his sympathetic eyes. C.M. lowers his head in shame.
C.M.
(seriously)
Help me love again. I can't stop what I am, but I need you to be with me. I need you to believe in me again.
N.M.
(smiling, trying to ease tension)
Are gonna stop all the shit?
We CU on C.M. as he looks up frowning. There is a long beat.
N.M.
(very serious)
Then you know I can't help you. Your remorse pains me, but your lies defeat you.
Gigantic wings unfold from the Clothed Mans back. They are black and leathery, like bat wings. The drastic veins can be seen in them and the muscles along the top are strong. He extends them fully and his eyes become red with fire. His body seems to grow larger and more muscular with rage and hatred. He stands slowly and with authority.
C.M.
Your faith defeats you.
He grabs the naked mans arm breaks it fast and clean. He punches his arm through the chest of the naked man and pulls out a portion of his stomach and intestines. He cruelly and dramatically eats the contents flapping his wings periodically with joyous anger.
The Naked man is astonished, but not in pain. With his good arm he grabs the bad one. Twisting it back to shape he has healed the once nasty break.
N.M.
Let my body be your nourishment. Let my blood be your wine. You have my faith, my love and my sympathy.
He examines some of the contents the C.M. seems to be eating.
N.M.
And you have my lunch. But you will never have my forgiveness unless you stop being such a prick.
The Clothed Man spits the contents onto the Naked Mans face. He stairs him down and brings his face closer to his. He is breathing heavily and with excitement. He seems to be even bigger and stronger than before. He is growing slowly. Strangely the Naked Man has yet to be sufficiently intimidated.
C.M.
Your blood is sour and you whine ....like a bitch.
N.M.
You know, your not being very nice. Is there something I can do for you, because I'm really tired and I need to go back to sleep.
C.M. walks over to a large tree and leans against it. It singes and turns black. It creaks and moans under extreme pressure, but does not break. C.M. continues to eat the bloody contents in his hands. He looks at him for a beat.
C.M.
You’re a man of honor so I know you can't lie about this. I want you to tell me. Were is the angel Bartleby? He was never delivered.
N.M.
Your games entertain no one in these woods, certainly not me. He was delivered as I was conceived. Misplacing him is your folly.
C.M.
I can't misplace what I never had! Your God has lied to me! Bartleby was to be delivered upon his death!
N.M.
Our father does not lie. If you truly haven't received him. Than he isn't dead.
C.M.
Than where is he bitch fuck? You think I haven't been looking around for him for the past twenty something years?
N.M.
Why do you question this after so many years? Was your pursuit belated by your laziness??
C.M.
You’re so fucking ready to cast a stone when just a few minutes ago I found you sleeping in a hammock. Which you’ve been in for about a year now.
N.M.
Casting stones? Need I remind you how I woke up?
C.M.
I did question a few people about Bartleby. No one ever told me anything.
N.M.
Why do you insist on trying to lie to me? Do you even know what I do for a living?
C.M.
Yeah, you work at Quick Stop.
N.M.
(smiling, holding back a tinge of frustration)
I'm the son of Bethany. I am the son of GOD. I am Jesus Christ. REINCARNATE!
He extends wings of his own. Feathered wings, slighlty gray in the night.
He turns his head and we finally get a glimpse of our savior returned. He is a sight to behold, and yet a familiar one at that. One might say he bares a striking resemblance to a one Dante Hicks, except with long hair.
C.M.
Your a geek, dude. You need to cut your hair too. That shit wasn't even cool back in Bethlehem.
N.M.
(embarrassed)
Well, I figured, you know, what with all the rock stars now a days and all.
C.M.
Yeah, the Nelson twins are still cool. Long hair went out of style in the eighties retard.
N.M.
Oh and what, your bald head is in?!?
C.M.
At least I don’t look like I like do the ass dance with little Brucey.
N.M.
Contrary to popular belief, we do not disavow gay people. That being said let me assure you I have never done the ass dance with anyone!
C.M.
Do I detect some deep rooted homophobia goings on Dante?
N.M.
(confused)
Dante? I’m Jesus pal, so watch your P’s and Q’s.
C.M.
Well, I’m officially bored with your conversation.
He starts to walk away.
JESUS
So I thought you were going to warn me about something.
The Devil turns slowly.
DEVIL
Oh yes. If I don’t get Bartleby, soon, you’ll be sorry.
JESUS
I’ll be sorry? That’s not really your threat is it? That’s the lamest threat I’ve ever heard! Your heart’s not really into this line of work anymore is it?
DEVIL
Fuck you.
JESUS
Oh that’s clever. Why don’t you just tell me about how fat my mom is or something.
DEVIL
I’m about ready to go fuck her now.
JESUS
Don’t forget your Viagra, limpy.
DEVIL
Limpy? You give me shit about sounding threatening and then you come up with something like Limpy?
He extends his wings again and quickly flies over to Jesus. His anger is in all it’s glory.
DEVIL
I have a trump card bitch. Now that your here, the days will start their final countdown. I have been influence to death, but never creator. I have never actually killed a man with my bare hands, only with my wit and tongue. I have waited just for such an occasion as this to pull that threat out of the bag. My hands will kill from now until Judgment, unless I get Bartleby. I don’t want anymore excuses and I don’t want anymore conversation. Mankind will pay for it’s inherent stupidity and for your “God’s” pomposity. The end may be nearer than you think.
JESUS
Well, well. I struck a nerve with that “Limpy” thing didn’t I? The people you kill, Satan, will be judged none-the-less. Killing them will only add to your impending eternal doom.
DEVIL
Your forgetting one thing Jesus. I have hands. I will use them now. I don’t have to stop at death. I can torture the innocent. Hell on earth will be enough to keep these hands busy.
Jesus has suddenly taken a serious demeanor. This threat is indeed a concern.
JESUS
Your sickness is astounding.
DEVIL
Yeah? Well now it’s their problem.
The Devil points his finger east and takes to flight. We follow him up (DEVIL’S POV) and see Jesus standing far beneath us at the foot of the trees. We fly across lakes and lands seemingly for miles. The Devil has long since gone another way and we fly solo across the earth. As we cross the ocean the clouds move fast indicating time lapse.
We find town upon town flying high above them looking down. Farms, cities, rivers, lakes. We come to a town just as the sun rises casting an orange glow across the urban city somewhere on the East Coast. Cars have already filled a local church and yet another enters the parking lot. We follow that car. Stepping out is none other than Jesus himself. Dressed in civilian clothing he still stands out. He is clean and comfortable in his stylish suit. He has taken no heed to the Devil’s comment on hairstyle. We follow him into the church.
INT. LARGE CHURCH - MORNING (SUNDAY)
The same Reverend can be heard preaching his still avant-garde Gospel Truth to a captivated audience. Jesus finds a seat next to the couple with the crying baby. Although they have returned to the building they are seated at the back next to the aisle for easy access to the exit. He sits next to the woman who has for the time subdued her child with a bottle. She turns to him and he smiles back.
WOMAN
You missed most of it. He’s almost done with the sermon.
JESUS
Well I’ll live. I’ve heard it all before.
WOMAN
Yeah, it always seems to be about the same stuff. Like we haven’t learned the commandments yet. Every once in a while something interesting will slip through, but not often.
The baby has arisen and is now crying again. The husband and wife team up, nervously to try and calm their baby. Jesus calmly touches the child’s head and the baby’s cries cease. The little tot even chuckles a bit.
WOMAN
Wow, I wish you’d have been here earlier.
MAN
Or last night for that matter. Or the night before, or the night before...
WOMAN
How’d you do that?
JESUS
Oh, it’s just something I picked up overseas.
WOMAN
Well, I’m impressed.
JESUS
So what were you saying about church being boring?
WOMAN
Oh, well, nothing. I think I was done. Anyway, it is boring. The bible is a good book and all, but it gets a little boring time after time after time.
The Reverend asks everyone to stand for the last prayer. The crowd stands up and bends their heads in silence.
JESUS
I’ll see what I can do about that ma’am.
The woman looks at him with confusion. The prayer begins without her getting the chance to question him. When they finish the people gather their coats and sleeping children and head out the doors.
JESUS
It was good to meet you both. By-the-way, your baby is teething. I’m no doctor, but I think you should get your baby some oragel for her teeth. Another trick is just to get her drunk on whiskey, but I hear the Oragel works good too.
They laugh and give confused looks. Saying good-bye they leave with the rest of the crowd. Jesus however finds his way to the front. The reverend has his back turned to us as he packs up a duffel bag full of notes. Jesus address’s him
JESUS
And here I thought you were supposed to be the silent one?
(Formerly) Silent Bob turns around to greet the stranger. He is much older and has since lost the trench coat. He is much cleaner and more conservative than his former self. He also doesn’t seem to have his sidekick, Jay, with him anymore.
Utterly surprised he gives the man a huge bear hug.
BOB
Good Lord, Walter Flannagan!!
JESUS
Come on man, it’s Jesus, all right.
BOB
Hey if Bethany want’s to be a rebel, who am I to argue?
JESUS
The ultimate cosmic joke. Mom was always pretty weird about that stuff. I think she was still a little mad about that Plastic’s remark from dad.
BOB
You know your mother feverently believed your dad was a woman.
JESUS
She also named me Walter for crying out loud.
BOB
It’s been forever, where in the hell, uhhh, heck have you been. I though the forest thing was only for seven days and seven nights?
JESUS
Come on Bob, I told you the time thing was all messed up in the good book.
BOB
Yeah right, you just wanted to beat your former record. Anyway, you made it, like I ever had a doubt.
JESUS
Your faith is almost as strong as mine.
BOB
I learned that from your mother. I always wish you could’ve had a chance to meet her.
JESUS
I’ll see her in heaven Bob, so will you.
BOB
Lest our dialog become too sappy even for a soap opera, why don’t we go get some breakfast. I know you gotta be hungry.
JESUS
You buy I’ll fly.
BOB
Oh Lordy. I forgot about your stupid wing jokes.
JESUS
(getting sentimental)
Yeah, it really has been a long time Bob. I missed you.
BOB
I missed you too little buddy.
JESUS
I know I’m like your savior and all, but I always felt like you,.. were,... you know.
BOB
I know.
JESUS
Shouldn’t we hug or something?
BOB
Sure buddy, sure.
They hug and the theme from ‘Days Of Our Lives” or some other soap opera plays over head.
FADE OUT:
INT. DINER - DAY
The two sit in a “Village Inn esq.” diner eating their meals and casually chatting.
JESUS
So, have you been visiting Jay lately?
BOB
(quietly)
Everyday, you know that.
JESUS
I know. I’m sorry. Do you mind if I join you today?
BOB
Not at all.
A few quiet moments pass.
JESUS
I noticed you had a larger than normal audience today. You’re getting the word out?
BOB
Yeah, well, that’s my job right? I’ll be honest with you, there are still people who aren’t listening. Things really aren’t as drastically different as they were when your mom was still around. What are you going to do, you can only read the same book to people so many times.
JESUS
Yeah, I get that impression. People have to realize though, that it’s not here for entertainment, it’s here to teach. It’s your job to augment it with commentary that is entertainment.
BOB
I’m doing what I can. I still think the whole thing would go better if we didn’t do it so early in the morning.
JESUS
We have to catch them before they all flock to the movies.
A beat.
BOB
So where are we now, timeline wise? Is it still this year?
JESUS
Yup. Towards the end of December and on into next year. It’ll take a while to clean everyone off the planet, but we gotta take our time you know?
BOB
Well of course. God forbid you accidentally send my grandma to hell or something.
JESUS
Tell her to quit looking up dirty pictures of old men on the internet then.
...to tell you the truth, I’m a little excited about it all.
BOB
Really? Excited?
JESUS
Well, I mean, I’m still pretty much human you know. Yeah, I’m a little anxious. It’s not everyday we get to start Armageddon.
BOB
You say Armageddon and it sounds scary. Can’t you just say “Judgment Day”?
JESUS
Fine, baby. Judgment Day.
The waitress comes over their table and refills their drinks. They thank her accordingly.
JESUS
So I ran into Satan while I was in the woods.
BOB
(spitting up his pop)
What?!?
JESUS
Yup. He said something that was kinda weird.
BOB
A little weird, gee ya think?? My god, Satan?? Man. That musta been a trip. Was he there to test you like before or something?
JESUS
No, that’s what I thought. He said he was just there to warn me and to ask me a question.
BOB
Really?
JESUS
Yeah, he says they never gave him Bartleby when he died.
BOB
What? Really? Well, why does he care after all these years?
JESUS
I would imagine he forgot about it. I ribbed him about being lazy, but the truth is he’s been extremely busy. It would make sense if he hadn’t caught it till now. Of course what with Judgment day this year he’s probably getting a little nervous and want’s someone like Bartleby on his side.
BOB
Is Bartleby really all that great of a catch? He seemed kinda, disturbed.
JESUS
Icing on the cake my friend. Satan needs Bartleby’s help. Bartleby is pretty ingenious when it come to out whiting his opponent. Look what he did to Loki.
BOB
So, did Satan get Loki?
JESUS
No, Loki is on a reprieve with heaven. He actually ended up apologizing. He’s now in a millennium sleep.
BOB
What’s that?
JESUS
It’s like purgatory, only for angels. It’ lasts a millennium. Loki seemed pretty happy that was all he was getting though. When it’s over he’ll be allowed back into heaven. God’s cool like that. I guess Loki forgot about the compassion.
BOB
I’ll bet he was happy. So what was the Devil’s warning?
JESUS
To deliver Bartleby or he’d start killing and torturing innocent people.
BOB
Well that’s lame. Doesn’t he already do that?
JESUS
Only by psychosomatic osmosis, or suggestion. Did you ever read Faust? Until now, the Devil couldn’t actually touch humans. Since I’m down here though, he can.
BOB
How is that logical?
JESUS
Well, technically, we are breaking some physics laws with my powers. In heaven my healing powers are no big deal, because there is no law of physics, just the laws of truth, love, and faith. For me to continue to be powerful and stuff down here we had to break the rules a bit. Doing that gives the Devil a loophole. He knows this and is going to use it. He calls it his Trump Card.
BOB
What are you gonna do?
JESUS
Nothing.
BOB
What the? What do you mean nothing?
JESUS
I thought this sounded like a job for you.
BOB
I’d be happy to help, you know that, but I have no idea what happened to Bartleby. Matter of fact, how come you guys lost him? How is that possible with all your omnipotent powers and stuff?
JESUS
I didn’t say they didn’t know where he is, I said I didn’t know where he is. Until I talked to Metatron last night. Don’t worry. I’ll fill you in on everything.
BOB
I’m almost finished here. How about you?
JESUS
I’m good to go.
The two, satisfied with their meals get up to leave. Jesus looks at Bob questioningly. Bob waves him off with a chuckle and takes care of the tip and bill. Jesus gives Bob a smile.
JESUS
Small price to pay, for heaven
BOB
How would you know, you never have to pay. But that’s fine, I like to pay for my salvation in loose change.
EXT. CAR - DAY
With Jesus at the helm a car goes barreling down the Red Bank streets. They are well over the speed limit and swerve in and out between cars. Bob is clinging on to his fastened seatbelt.
BOB
(yelling over the engine)
I guess it’s pretty liberating being Jesus and all, but I’m still a frail human you know!
JESUS
Quit being a sissy, I’m a great driver.
BOB
They got a lot of cars in heaven do they? Well do they have cops, because your doing about ninety in a forty mile an hour lane.
JESUS
Listen Bob, there’s divine law and there’s criminal law. Divine law is unalterable, criminal law is a construct of a less than knowledgeable society, without the existence of me at the time of conception I might add, who have a weird personal ax to grind. While I understand and accept your laws, I have no intention of them getting in the way of my fun. Plus I can talk my way out of a ticket better than anyone.
BOB
There’s a good chance you’re going to give me a heart attack. Pretend I’m here and slow down.
JESUS
(slowing down)
I’m sorry Bob. You use to live on the edge a little too. I guess I got a little carried away. That’s the human in me.
He pulls into a parking lot and they both get out. Jesus gets a bouquet of flowers from the backseat.
BOB
(off flowers)
You get those for Jay?
JESUS
Yeah. I know how he hates flowers.
BOB
That’s because when Heather Jones was young she and her sisters use to make him wear them in his hair. They didn’t know he peed on them previously. He cried and ran home.
They continue to walk across an exceptionally green lawn. They are quiet. Suddenly they come to a marker imbedded in the ground. We notice there are several others as well. We are in a cemetery.
They look down sadly at the marker which reads simply:
Jason Patrick Beetle
born: JUNE 29, 1975
died: August 12, 1999
He hardly ever sold shake.
“Jay” will be missed.
Bob leans down and wipes away some dirt from the face of the marker. Bob is quiet as Jesus lays flowers down by the grave. Bob looks to Jesus with teary eyes.
BOB
(with a shaky voice)
Why?
FADE TO:
FLASH BACK SEQUENCE - JAY’S DEATH
INT. MALL - DAY
Silent Bob enters the mall first. He stands holding the door open. His trench coat blowing with the incoming draft. A woman pushing a stroller tries to hurry and make the door. She thanks Silent Bob as she begins to enter. Suddenly JAY shoves his way past her through the door. He pushes Silent Bob away and grabs the door.
JAY
Damn Silent Bob, don’t be such a cunt rag, hold the door open for this poor lady can’t you see she has a kid?
Confused and off kilter the lady walks in apologizing and thanking Jay.
LADY
Ohh, sorry, umm, thank you.
JAY
No problem, NOONCH.
She leaves and Jay walks with Silent Bob. Silent Bob lights a cigarette and stares at the floor as they walk.
JAY
You see that shit Silent Bob? We have to be nice to the bitches now that we’re Prophets and shit. We’re like God’s now.
A beautiful red head walks by. Jay grabs his crotch.
JAY
Yeah that’s right baby, bow down and you will believe!
He notices Silent Bob’s melancholy demeanor.
JAY
What wrong with you bitch, you still crying about having to leave Bethany behind? Me too Silent Bob, but we’ve got a mission now. We can’t let the bitches interfere with our Prophiteering or what-ever.
Silent Bob nods, but doesn’t lift his head.
JAY
You know what you need Silent Bob?
Silent Bob lifts his head.
Jay points his finger to another woman walking by.
JAY
(loudly)
Some filthy, nasty, slippery snatch, Noonch!!
She walks by them without noticing.
JAY
(let down)
...but not with that fat Nancy! You need to smoke another bowl, Silent Bob.
With the instinct of a cat on the prowl LaFours walks up to the pair with his arms crossed. Silent Bob and Jay return looks of horror to each other and LaFours.
JAY
(noticing LaFours)
I mean, you need to walk around the mall. Com’on you Fattass!
Jay and Silent Bob walk away quickly. Entering the food mart they see none other than Brodie Bruce waiting in line to indulge himself with a slice of pizza. Jay approaches him from behind and slaps him on the ass. Brodie spins around only to be tagged in the crotch.
BRODIE
My God, it’s the Dynamic Duo. I saw your asses on TV last night. What the fuck was up with all that shit huh? One minute you guys are ditching us for some red heads in TV land...
JAY
Shermer, Illinois. Fucking shit was fucked up!
Silent Bob shakes his head in agreement.
BRODIE
...and the next minute your on TV at a church with a bunch of people that looked like they were, ripped apart?
JAY
Yeah, it’s a long story, but we’re back now.
BRODIE
Fuck you it’s a long story, what happened?
JAY
Man I’ve been home for almost a day and already I got reporters and shit calling up my pops askin’ for an interview and shit. Me and Silent Bob told them we ain’t doing anything until we see the green. Except for that chick from Goodmorning America, what’s her name...
He hits Silent Bob. Bob shrugs.
BRODIE
Katie Couric?
JAY
Yeah that broad. Me and Silent Bob said we’d do an interview with her if she promised to have sex with us.
BRODIE
Well, good luck with that.
JAY
So where’s your girlfriend T.S.? Acting classes?
BRODIE
He took Brandy to the movies or something. I shouldn’t have let them get back together, now he spends all his time either with her or talking about her.
JAY
That’s fucked up. So why don’t you and Rene hang out and shit?
BRODIE
Oh, we broke up again. I’m suppose to do an interview with some studio for hosting a talk show or something and she wanted to go and play the drums for me. I told her she was crazy and that chicks aren’t suppose to play the drums. She got pissed and broke my controller to my Sega, so I’m here to pick up another one.
JAY
See Silent Bob, chicks are nothing but headaches.
BRODIE
What’s up with Silent Bob?
JAY
Oh, this tubby bitch is all sad and shit ‘cause we had to leave some chick he had a boner for back in McHenery. Check this out, you know those chicks that can get pregnant just from you looking at them and shit?
BRODIE
Bite your tongue!
JAY
I don’t know, she’s some kind of slick slut, because I don’t remember banging her and I know this fat ass didn’t get none.
(suddenly realizing, he turns to Silent Bob)
Holy Shit! You think it was that Rufus? He was kinda Macin’ on her when we were at the strip club.
BRODIE
Strip club? You guys were busy.
JAY
No shit. Bob and I are gangsters now and everything.
Having ordered his pizza they walk to a table and sit.
JAY
So, you broke up with Rene huh? Good she was freaky. Hanging out with that Fashionable Male dude and shit.
BRODIE
Actually, she dumped me.
JAY
You pussy.
BRODIE
What? What was I suppose to do, she’s not a good drummer. I can’t have her stifling my creative future with her delusions of percussional grandeur. She couldn’t keep a beat for shit.
JAY
She could beat your ass. That chick’s mean. And she dumped you. What a pussy.
BRODIE
Fuck you.
JAY
Fuck you pussy.
BRODIE
FUCK YOU.
They both start to rise. Bob tries to hold Jay back.
JAY
SUCK MY ASS!
BRODIE
MAYBE IF YOU’D KEEP YOUR FINGERS OUT OF IT LONG ENOUGH!
CUT TO:
EXT. MALL EXIT - DAY
Jay and Silent Bob run from the building chased by Brodie. LaFours is at the door looking out with his arms crossed. Jay and Bob run past him not noticing and when they turn back to see if Brodie is still chasing them they see him run up and put his arm around LaFours.
JAY
Fuck that pussy whipped bitch.
He pulls out a brick of weed.
JAY
We need to go sell this shit anyhows.
They walk out of frame.
INT. QUICK STOP - DAY
BLACK AND WHITE
Dante is sitting at the counter chatting it up with Randal. Randal is propped up on the counter reading a paper.
DANTE
Chewbacca doesn’t have claws, where did you hear he has claws?
RANDAL
The thing is a beast, Dante, how do you think he ate on his planet? He killed shit. If Chewie had no fur you’d see nothing but claws for fingers.
DANTE
Your basing this on a hunch. Your basically pulling it out of your ass. Chewie was smart enough to hang out with Hans. He joined the Rebel Army so you know he had political opinions.
Randal puts his paper down and looks up to Dante. He’s into the conversation with gusto now.
RANDAL
Yeah Chewie hung out with Hans, but what did he do? Think back, at the bar when Luke first met Hans, what were they known for? Trafficking illegal merchandise for profit. Plus Hans owed a shit load of money to the crime boss of crime bosses, Jabba. Hans was big, but he wasn’t that big. Chewie was his muscle, his bodyguard. Think about it. Chewie was always grunting and yelling and shit and he was always ready for battle. He was the equivalent of Han Solo’s dog. As far as him having Political opinion, that’s absurd. He did what Hans did and the only reason Hans joined the rebel fleet was to get on Lea. Chewie was a fighter by nature, trust me he had the claws to boot.
Jay and Silent Bob walk in.
BLACK AND WHITE FILM FADES TO COLOR
Jay starts to grab things immediately. Some he puts into his pockets, some he intends to buy. Bob immediately walks to the back to get a drink. Randal taps Dante and points to the pair. Randal and Dante’s mouths drop open with surprise. They stair. Finally Jay notices them. He spins around to see what they’re staring at.
JAY
What, is there a chick behind me??
He grabs his crotch.
JAY
What’s up, is my fly open? I got a booger on my face??
He spins around and wipes his face frantically only to find them still staring silently at him.
JAY
You guys need some chicks.
DANTE
What the hell do you two do??
JAY
Oh that shit? You’ve been watching the news too huh?
DANTE
What the hell did you two do??
Jay leans in to confide. His voice drops.
JAY
Bob got hungry, one dude called him fat. You don’t call Bob fat when he’s hungry. He started ripping shit up and I joined him. Next thing I knew we were in the middle of a bunch of body parts and blood and shit. But it’s all good in the hood, cause we told the cops we were some looser fucks who got sick of their dead end jobs at quickie marts. Snoogans! Hahahaha!
(he turns to Silent Bob who is still in the back picking a beverage)
Comon’ you fat fuck!
Jay proceeds to pay for a few items while Dante and Randal still stair utterly boggled. Bob returns with three empty bottles. He lays out money for them. Everyone looks at him for a long beat, confused. Bob shrugs.
SILENT BOB
I don’t like to be called fat when I’m thirsty either.
EXT. FRONT OF QUICK STOP - DAY
Jay and Silent Bob exit and stand in their regular spot. Bob lights a smoke while Jays dances around.
JAY
Yeah, it’s good to be home! Did you see those stupid fucks, man everyone is freaking ‘cause of all that shit with your girlfriend. We’re celebrities Silent Bob. We can fuck anything we want now.
An old lady walks up to the pair expectantly. Jays eyes widen with fear and Bob lifts his hand to back slap her. The old lady runs off.
JAY
I dunno, you catch her rack?
A beat. They dance around waiting for business.
JAY
Anyway, like I was saying before, we gotta be nice to people now Silent Bob. No more horsing around and shit. Like, we gotta start selling weed for less of a profit. We can’t be rippin’ everyone off.
The Quick Stop door opens and the cat “annoying customer” walks out. She runs to Silent Bob and purrs. He bends downs and pets it. He picks the cat up and scratches it’s head.
JAY
Look at that shit, that cat use to hate you.
Jay goes to pet the cat and it lashes out. It strikes Bob in the face and dashes across the street. Bob cowers against the building grabbing his ripped face. He notices the cat is about to get ran over and points to it. Jay reacts.
JAY
Fucking cat’s gonna get hit by a car.
In slow motion he runs to the cat only to be hit by a car himself. Not before he grabs the cat and tosses it to a pedestrian on the other side of the street. The car screeches as it hits Jay.
FADE TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
JAY’S POV
Standing above Jay is Dante and Randal, Brodie holding the cat, Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards. They all peer down in amazement.
HOLDEN
He came out of no where, I couldn’t stop in time.
BANKY
I told you to slow down!
HOLDEN
SHUT the fuck up!
Suddenly Silent Bob cuts through the crowd.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Silent Bob is holding Jay in his arms with the people gathered around him. We pull back. As we do...
Holden taps Banky and points to Brodie. They exchange looks.
HOLDEN
(to Brodie)
Banky?
BRODIE
(to Banky)
What the?
DANTE
(to Silent Bob)
Hey aren’t you...?
RANDAL
(to Silent Bob, shaking his head)
Tim Burton? For shame!
As the world Askewed falls apart with Jays death we....
FADE TO:
END FLASHBACK
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY (From before flashback)
Bob is still kneeling at the base of his friends grave weeping.
BOB
why man??
Suddenly a hand is laid on Bob shoulder. He turns around to see...
METATRON
You know he’s up there watching you right now...
Bob stands up.
BOB
really?
METATRON
Yeah, well, he’s laughing and chanting some crybaby bitch thing, but yeah, he’s watching all right.
Metatron looks to Jesus.
METATRON
I tried to explain that he’s not suppose to swear, but he keeps ignoring me and asking when is he gonna get laid. We’re about ready to send him back.
He turns to Bob.
METATRON
That’s where you come in, my friend.
BOB
What do you mean?
JESUS
We know what happened to Bartleby.
BOB
Huh?
Metatron and Jesus exchange glances as if to say “you tell him”. Metatron finally goes.
METATRON
In the beginning there was only one truth. That came from God. It was the truth of goodness. Then came Lucifer and he created another truth; evil. Now, Bartelby has created yet another truth. After all these years we now have a new dogma to choose from. Isn’t that a hoot?
BOB
What?!? How?
METATRON
Remember when Jay shot Bartelby’s wings off?
BOB
Well, I was with Bethany in the Hospital at the time, but yeah.
METATRON
Exactly. You were in the Hospital with GOD right? God was comatose and didn’t know what was going on. What she didn’t find out till much later, was Jay actually got Bartelby a couple of times in the chest too. Bartelby was quiet about it though. He didn’t let anyone know. Because of an Angels metabolism, he bled slower so it was easier for him to conceal it.
BOB
But why? He hadn’t passed through the gate and would’ve died unforgiven; sending him straight to hell. Why wouldn’t he say something, like apologize or at least something?
METATRON
Because he knew when he saw God, that his number was up anyway. But then it dawned on him, God couldn’t kill him on Holy Ground, but she did. When she laid her hands on him to let him go, he actually died from the gunshot and her touch. This set off something completely unprecedented. Completely.
BOB
So? He was a sinner, he should’ve gone to hell either way right?
METATRON
Wrong, because of the physics of God on earth, there were limitations to her power. She killed Bartleby and that was a sin. Normally that would have breached the rules and a universal meltdown would have ensued, but two things happened. One, God has a back up in heaven for just such an occasion. If she screws up while on earth, she has the opportunity to go back and fix things. Two, Bartleby didn’t die just from God, he died from the gun shot too. So when God went back and realized her err her backup plan wouldn’t work. She couldn’t reverse Jay’s actions because that would be tampering with his right of free-choice free-action, as a human. That would break God’s rule. And so when God did go back to redo the events, and take back her killing of Bartelby, you know what happened?
BOB
No, what?
METATRON
Bartelby wasn’t there.
BOB
What? Where was he??
METATRON
Because of circumstances surrounding his death were condescending, Bartelby died into another form of existence. He was killed by a sinning God, which couldn’t fix it later, and he died from semi-natural causes as well. Combining those two put him in an untouchable state of existence. Bartleby is everywhere and nowhere, and he knows it. He even controls it as it’s master. He is the contradiction, a new way of thinking.
BOB
Well, now, wait a minute. Lets put this into perspective. If God is good and the Devil is bad, what the hell is Bartleby? There’s only the two options, it doesn’t make any sense. He can’t create another counter option can he?
METATRON
No, your right. He’s not Good and he’s not Bad. He’s both. Like I said he is the contradiction. He’s a melding of good and bad. He is both and neither. Only he has a conscious, he is a living entity. Contradiction existed only as a concept, now it has a master. Because he was killed by God and man, he was sinned at and done justice to at the same time. Pretty spooky huh?
BOB
Ok. So that aside, God still has the backup plan right? She can still go back to when Bartelby got the whole idea of the “existence ending loophole” and redo it right? You know, stop Azreal from inspiring them to come to Jersey? Stop everything.
METATRON
Well, yes and no. God can’t directly interfere with a humans personal choice. That’s your right and it’s beyond her control. Granted they weren’t technically humans, they still were given the same rights. However, this is still a different circumstance because part of the problem is actually God’s fault. Now we all know that God can’t make mistakes, so we know there is a way out of this. It’s just a matter of finding that way.
JESUS
Don’t worry, we do have a plan.
METATRON
Another thing is that God doesn’t want to come back down to earth as a human anymore. Demon’s everywhere have heard about what the triplets did to her and there would be a bounty you wouldn’t believe if she were to come back. So, how does she fix things by going back in time and stopping Loki and Bartelby from getting that magazine add, thus giving them the idea in the first place? She sends a human. A human who is doing it on his own free will. A prophet, Bob are you following me? Not only that, there are two birds we can hit with this stone. We’re sick and tired of Jay in heaven. You changing events with him in the past would prevent his untimely death. Giving us a much needed rest until he returns again.
BOB
What? Can she do that? Send me back in time? Really?
METATRON
Can she do that? Of course, but it’s not simple. She can send you back in time to do things over, but you can’t come back. The future will have changed and you’ll be forced to write a new one. You will be sent into the past with the memories you have now, but you will assume your formal age and body. And getting you there isn’t easy.
BOB
Man, give me a minute.
Bob sits down to contemplate all that’s happening. His head is swimming. Is he happy or confused? Or both?
JESUS
You heard Metatron, you have free will and don’t have to do this buddy.
BOB
Are you nuts? Of course I’m gonna do it. There’s just about a million things flying round in my head right now, I’m trying to boil it all down.
METATRON
There’s something else.
Bob turns slowly to Metatron. He glares.
METATRON
Listen, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to give you the facts.
(sighs)
Bartleby is a new existence. New to you, new to me. New to everyone, including God. There are uncertainties involved. We don’t know everything about him and his powers. There are a few things we can guess and very few that we know.
BOB
Well, he’s not a threat right? I mean, you said he was good and bad right?
Jesus and Metatron exchange looks
JESUS
He’s still Bartleby though. He still has motivation and direction. Think about it. You got God wanting everyone’s attention over here, and the Devil demanding attention over here. You think Bartelby won’t demand the same thing?
METATRON
That’s were it gets scary. He’s going to use his power to combine good and evil in a way we simply can’t imagine. He will be evil, but he’ll be good at the same time. Rather than cancel his actions out, it will create a melding of the two.
JESUS
He’s gonna try and be the one true power. It’ s now his nature to do nothing, but try.
BOB
So what will happen if he wins? What happens if he succeeds in melting good and evil into one primal existence as it were?
METATRON
Well it gets complicated, but metaphorically speaking, everything will turn into pink Play-Doe.
Jesus and Bob give Metatron confused looks.
METATRON
Well, it’s a metaphor, guys not really.
BOB
So. How are you gonna send me back?
Jesus and Metatron exchange smiles.
CUT TO:
EXT. RACE TRACK - DAY
There are several loud cars gearing up for the big race. All of them great pieces of machinery. We dolly down the side of the track in the trenches and examine the concentrated efforts of all the professional drivers and their mechanics. Cars plastered with decals from beers to lawyers alike glimmer in the bright afternoon sun. After dollying for some time we find a supped up version of the car Jesus was driving previously. All things considered though, it was still a piece of junk. Standing beside it are Jesus and Metatron in mechanic suits. Inside the car is none other than Bob himself ready for the big race. They shout over the noise.
BOB
You guys are our only hope for entrance into the Holy Grounds of heaven, and this is the best you could come up with? Killing me in a car wreck?
JESUS
It’s gotta be an accident Bob. We can’t kill you, that’s murder. You're pretty adventurous right?
BOB
No.
METATRON
(to Jesus)
This isn’t gonna work if he doesn’t want to do this. If we force him, it’s just like murder.
Metatron puts his hands on his hips to think a bit. Finally making up his mind he circles the car and gets in the passengers seat.
BOB
What are you doing?
METATRON
Your gonna need a little motivation.
BOB
Motor-what? I can’t hear you!
METATRON
Nevermind. Bob, what’s the most exciting thing you’ve ever done?
BOB
I helped the last scion of Christ defeat two renegade angels by finding God.
METATRON
So you would think everything else is small potatoes right?
BOB
That was many years ago. I had a lot more energy back then. Plus Jay did all the driving.
METATRON
Fine, but what did it feel like when you succeeded? When all was said and done? Pretty good right?
BOB
I know what your getting at, but if your trying to seduce me into killing myself here, it would be suicide.
METATRON
I’m not talking about that. Forget everything else for a second. Imagine this race is what’s important. Wouldn’t it be neat to win? Your the underdog here. You’ve got a shitty car, but a pretty good ringside crew. You don’t have to intentionally crash the car, just try and win the race, what could be more fun?
BOB
(getting the idea)
Yeah... It WOULD be kinda neat to win. Plus I’ve got THE SON OF GOD in my corner, I really can’t loose right?
METATRON
Nobody looses with Jesus tending their fate, my son!
A man adorned in full racing gear passes the three. As he walks by he flips a finished cigarette into the cabin of Bob’s car.
BOB
Hey! Watch it dildo!
Hearing Bob’s remark the man slowly turns and chucks his can of soda at Bob’s windshield. His roadcrew (about three more people) noticing the situation runs to him and they all walk up to Bob’s car. The cigarette flipper seems familiar.
STEVE - DAVE
What the HELL kindof piece of shit car is this!?!
JESUS
Your mom’s, bitch!
Bob and Metatron quickly turn to Jesus. Their faces register utter disbelief. Jesus shrugs.
JESUS
He’s a punk.
STEVE - DAVE
(keeping his attention on Bob and Metatron)
This thing couldn’t top twenty-five if I dropped it out of a plane.
BOB
(somewhat intimidated)
Yes it could.
METATRON
(cutting in. He exits the car and glares at Steve - Dave)
Listen. You’re in no danger of making friends here so why don’t you go play with your friends over in your own pit.
STEVE - DAVE
Oh, Ok. We’ll do that. As soon as I’m done with your sister over here.
(motioning to Bob)
Because I think she was just about to apologize to me. If I’m mistaken, please let me know.
BOB
No. Your not mist...
METATRON
(interrupting)
Gonna win this race. That’s what he’s saying. Get a good look at the front of the car, because this is the only time you’ll get to see it, chump.
STEVE - DAVE
(shaking his head and smiling)
I’ll tell you who’s a chump! You retards, for thinking this pile of piss would even stand a chance against a real machine...
Bob snaps to attention.
STEVE - DAVE
There’s a kid on my block who could ride his bike faster than that tin can could go...
Metatron looks to Jesus. Jesus looks at Bob through the reflection on the front window
Bob’s eyes begin to narrow.
Jesus looks to Metatron and smiles.
STEVE - DAVE
Shit my grandmother could walk faster. You’d need a tow truck to beat five miles an hour with that thing.
Bob is suddenly calm. He slowly puts his fingerless racing gloves and shades on. He looks up to Steve - Dave as if to say, “You still here?”
BOB
My car’s a piece of shit huh? Well I guess we’ll find out won’t we,
(he leans towards Steve - Dave)
PUNK?
STEVE- DAVE gives him a look of dissatisfaction
STEVE- DAVE
Fucking’ A right! I'll rip you a new asshole ya spooky bastard. You want a race? Oh baby, you’ve got a race. And when we’re done, I’m gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
FAN - BOY
YEAH!
Jesus gives Fan - Boy a look.
BOB
Uh-huh. And when I’m done running over your lame ass with my car, you can find me in the backseat with your sister.
JESUS
Ohhhhhh! DOG!
Metatron looks at Jesus with a confused/irritated look.
He turns back to Bob and Steve-Dave
METATRON
Allright, time to put your dicks back in your pants and stop embarrassing yourselves.
(to Steve-Dave)
Go find your car and jerk off there, the race is gonna start soon.
Steve-Dave starts to walk away backwards.
STEVE - DAVE
(pointing his finger at Bob)
I’ll be looking for you when this is over punk!
FAN - BOY
YEAH! TELL ‘IM STEVE - DAVE
JESUS
Shut up Fan-Boy!
Fan-Boy is walking backwards with Steve-Dave. As Jesus says, “Shut up” Fan-boy falls downs tripping on some fuel lines.
FAN - BOY
You shu - ut up!
STEVE - DAVE
Get up you retard. And shut up too.
As they walk away Jesus, Metatron and Bob put on their game faces.
BOB
Man, this is it. I feel pumped, man. I’m gonna show those punks who the king of the road really is!
METATRON
Alright man, you can do it. Don’t worry if you crash and die, that’s a good thing.
BOB
I know, either way, I can’t loose!
JESUS
Say hi to my mother when you see her!
BOB
Not today man!
(he looks intently at Jesus)
I’ve got a race to win!
CUT TO:
INT. BOB’S RACE CAR - DAY
We CU on BOB’s face as he makes his way to the starting line. He is growling with determination.
We CU on Bob’s eye’s which register only anger and concentration.
We CU on Bob’s gloves as he tightens them. His fingers are alert and ready for action.
CUT TO:
EXT. RACE TRACK - DAY
Bob is in line with the other cars, ready to go. Their engines are revving loudly and the flag man is waiting for the signal to star.
We are standing with Metatron and Jesus in their pit.
JESUS
I think he might be a little too motivated...
Metatron nods in agreement.
The flags have started!
CUT TO:
BIRD’S EYE VIEW
EXT. RACK TRACK - DAY
The flag man stands to the right on a large podium. He wave’s the appropriate flags. The sound of the engines and the crowd is huge.
OVERHEAD (VO)
GET READY! TO YOUR MARKS!
CUT TO:
INT. BOB’S RACE CAR - DAY
Bob checks a few gages. He stares forward. He is growling with delight and anticipation. His car growls as well.
OVERHEAD (VO)
SET!
Bob looks over to Steve-Dave who is already staring at Bob. Bob growls at him. Steve - Dave gives him a look of shock. Bob turns his head quickly, with concentration and anger, to the road.
An endless beat...
OVERHEAD (VO)
GO! AND THEY’RE OFF!!!
The car’s roar immensely as the gasses are pounded. Flocks of multicolored vehicles exit the starting point with total gusto.
We CU on Bob’s hand and foot respectively. He slams the car in first and stomps on the gas. Forgetting the clutch the car lunges forward and stops dead just as suddenly.
Bob frantically tries to restart the car as other racers pass around him.
Finally the other cars have left and we can hear Bob’s car unwilling to start.
Frustrated, Bob jumps out of the car. The audience throws hot-dogs and beverages at him.
CUT TO:
EXT. RACE TRACK - DAY
Metatron looks to Jesus. They both shrug.
Bob runs up to them. He is no longer growling.
BOB
(to Jesus)
WHAT THE HELL!?!
JESUS
I think we should go before that Steve - Dave finishes the race!
They all book out through the stadium.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. LARGE BRIDGE - DAY
Metatron and Jesus are tying Bob to some old rotten looking bungy cords which have been fastened to the railing with a simple not. Despite the idea here, Bob is wearing a tiny helmet.
BOB
Ahhh, this is a little different though. I mean I can’t win this race.
METATRON
You didn’t win the last one either.
JESUS
Enough, no miracle could’ve saved that stinking car.
Bob shoots a look of argument to Jesus. Then shakes it off.
BOB
I can’t tell you I’m thrilled about this though. I mean,
(he looks over the edge far down to the water)
Yeah, I’m definitely not thrilled about this.
METATRON
(concentrating on tying the not)
Quit being a sissy.
He finishes his knot and looks at Bob.
BOB
Aren’t you worried about the whole murder by suggestion thing?
METATRON
No.
Metatron and Jesus share looks.
Suddenly Metatron whips out a stuffed bear from behind his back.
BOB
(confused and scared)
Fluffy the nightmare slayer!?! How did you...
No sooner does Bob recognize his nighttime companion than Metatron tosses it over the side of the bridge. Without missing a beat Bob dives after it.
BOB
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The bungey cord unravels quickly as it is taken down. We CU on Metatron and Jesus’s expecting faces as they watch the loosely tied knot on the railing.
We CU on the knot and their faces back and forth repeatedly for quite a while. Their faces start to show confusion as the time passes.
Finally the rope has run out, but there is no tension. They look at each other completely confused.
Suddenly Bob’s stuffed bunny flies back over the railing to their feet. Bob slowly follows behind while crawling over the edge of the railing. Once over he stairs angrily at Metatron as he takes the bungy cord off his waist.
Bob goes to leave. As he walks past Metatron he stops for a beat.
BOB
(slightly whispering)
If you ever touch fluffy again...
He walks off fuming.
CUT TO:
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - DAY
Bob, Metatron and Jesus wait in line for the “Shredder” coaster at “Mooby’s Amusement Park”.
BOB
(excited)
This one has the worst history of fatalities in the history of the world.
METATRON
Well, I agree it’s a cool way to go, but it’s a little unlikely Bob.
BOB
You said I could pick the next try and this is my choice. Plus if I ride it all day, something’s bound to happen. This thing is a death trap.
Upon hearing this a mother grab’s her son’s hand and escorts him out of line.
JESUS
Well I’ve never been on a roller coaster. I think this’ll be fun.
METATRON
That’s all we need, a dead Christ. We’re only going on it the first time OK? Then Bob is on his own for the rest of the century.
CUT TO:
INT. COASTER CAR - DAY
Bob and Jesus get in the first car. Like school boys they both are excited as fuck. Metatron shakes his head in disapproval behind them.
METATRON
This is a big fat waste of time.
JESUS
(Turning to him)
Lift up your arms when you go down a hill!
INT. COASTER CAR - DAY
BOB AND JESUS’ POV
The coaster starts and they climb up the first hill. We follow the ride much like the Star Tours ride at Disneyland. We can feel the dramatic dips and turns and loops. The speed seems faster than a normal coaster and a look at the hardware shows corrosion and rotting. It’s a scary ride by any stretch of the imagination.
After a good three minutes the ride finishes it’s finale and comes to a stop. Everyone exits except Jesus and Bob.
METATRON
(to Jesus)
What are you doing? Time to go.
Too late, the cars start again.
JESUS
No fucking way!
Bob and Jesus exchange high five’s.
The day progresses overhead and the two enjoy countless hours on the ride. Metatron tries his hand at some of the games by the concession stand and succeeds in winning several “Mooby” dolls. Throughout the day he also tries several hot-dogs and other concessional treats. He is seen almost always with a new piece of cotton candy in one hand. At one point a child tries to take some of it only to find an angry Metatron yelling loudly at the boy. His mother and father escort him away while giving Metatron dirty looks.
Noticing a beautiful woman Metatron is seen approaching her and putting on his charm. In quite the geeky fashion he is akin too he tries to dance and impress the poor woman. His refusal to leave prompts her to dump her drink on him and leave herself. Metatron looks over to another girl who simply points to her large boyfriend in line to get them food.
Depressed, Metatron walks away and watches Jesus and Bob enjoy their ride. A hand finds his shoulder and he turns to find a beautiful young lady smiling at him to console his depression. His eyes light up with her beauty and he tries to fix his hair a bit. She turns to introduce her girlfriend. We CU on the two girls holding hands. Another good look at the girl reveals it’s Alyssa Jones. Metatron figures out their relationship and waves her off claiming he’s fine. He finds his way to a bench to sulk. He has been to this bench before as it has all of his stuffed cow winnings resting on it. He nuzzles a place in the middle
The day turns into night as time is fast forwarded while we watch Metatron sulk. Kids quickly run by and steal his cows finally leaving him with one. He hugs it with sadness and pride.
We slow down to real time and find Jesus approaching Metatron. He is stumbling and sick. He slumps down on the bench next to Metatron
JESUS
Oh man. NOW I feel forsaken.
METATRON
(not looking up)
He dead yet?
JESUS
No. Can you believe he’s still going at it?
METATRON
darn.
JESUS
What’s wrong with you?
METATRON
I’m bored as he, heck and none of the girls here have any brains.
JESUS
Things can’t be all bad. You won a cow.
We pan over to a large cow looking clock. It reads 8:30. The minute and hour hands move quickly finally revealing 11:30.
As we pan down we see everyone has left the park except for a few hooligans. We come down to the coaster ride and see Bob and the teenage controller arguing.
CONTROLLER
(his voice squeaky and cracking)
But sir, the park is closing now.
BOB
I don’t care I have a higher mission here kid! Not to mention I paid thirty damn dollars just to get in this stinking park!
CONTROLLER
Wull, wull, I don’t, I can’t let you say here sir. We have to close the park now.
BOB
Have you ever read the Bible kid? Do you know what happens to people that argue with prophets of GOD?
Jesus and Metatron walk up. Metatron is still depressed and hugging his cow doll.
JESUS
Allright leave the poor kid alone. It’s time to go Bob.
BOB
There he is, show him your wings Christ, go ahead he’s just a kid, show him. I’ve got an all day pass you little shit!
JESUS
Comon Bob, aren’t you hungry? Let’s go to Denny’s.
CONTROLLER
Yeah, go to Denny’s
BOB
(getting out of car)
I’ll be back here tomorrow to kick your ass you little punk kid.
CONTROLLER
Yeah, If you can get your fat ass out of the car in time for tomorrow.
Bob finally gets out of the car and darts after the kid. The kid runs off screeching like a girl and Bob walk satisfactorily back to Jesus and Metatron. They head out.
BOB
(to Metatron)
Oh, you won a cow.
FADE TO:
INT. DINER - NIGHT
All three sit at a table. They are enjoying their meals except for Metatron. He is nursing a water.
METATRON
How are we gonna do this? I’m running out of idea’s for you to die.
BOB
How come your not eating?
METATRON
Too much insulation. I feel sick.
Bob looks to Jesus for an answer.
JESUS
Cotton candy.
BOB
Oh, yeah. You have to be careful of that stuff man. It’s like a laxative, you’ll be shitting a river tonight.
METATRON
I don’t have an anus.
BOB
(looks up to him)
That’s right huh. Bummer for you man.
JESUS
We do need to come up with a plan for tomorrow.
BOB
I was thinking about sky diving.
JESUS
So you’ll do that stuff now?
BOB
Yeah, I mean I was thinking on the coaster today, I kinda liked the thrill of it all. I rode the coaster so much, that I got use to it. After a while it just got boring you know? I mean I can remember when I was a kid and I was terrified of coasters. Now all of a sudden here I am on one, and I’m bored. I want to grow like that some more. Find out what will get my blood pumping again. I felt alive this morning. It was such a rush the first few times. I’m addicted to the rush.
METATRON
(leaning over)
I think I’m gonna be sick.
JESUS
(to Bob)
Well it’s about time you got this way about life. It’s too bad you found it while looking for death and not sooner.
METATRON
I’m gonna throw up guys.
BOB
(To Jesus)
I know. It really is a kick in the ass to have a thirst for life just when I need to die. Maybe when I go back I’ll...
Taking a bite of his food in mid sentence, Bob starts to choke on it. He quickly realizes it stuck in his throat. He mumbles the words “Oh great” while gasping for air.
JESUS
Shit. Shit. Should I save him? Metatron? I gotta try and save him huh?
METATRON
Uhhhhh.
Metatron starts to hurl on the floor. He’s not helping no one.
JESUS
Fuck. Shit. OK, Bob, I gotta help you out here....
Jesus swings around the table and grabs a hold of Bob. Bob has fallen to the ground and his face is only getting more purple. He could almost pass for a Utah Jazz jersey.
Jesus tries frantically and badly to compress Bob’s stomach. We CU on Bob’s eyes as he settles down and shuts them.
In a distant echo we hear...
JESUS
This isn’t working... Good Luck Bob, Good Luck!....
FADE TO BLACK:
BERLIOZ’S SECOND MOVEMENT (DIES IRAE : PROSA; TUBA MIRUM) FROM HIS “REQUIEM, OPUS #5” -- FASTFORWARDED TO THE TUBA MIRUM PART
...trust me it’s appropriate...
FADE TO:
DEATH SEQUENCE
Very similar to following the path of the roller coaster, now we follow a tunnel. There are magnificent colors making the tunnel shine and sparkle. A closer look reveals that the tunnel is made from millions and millions of tiny angels flying around.
As we fly through the tunnel we look to the sides. As we do we see flashbacks of Bob’s life.
INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
A woman is going through intense labor with her nervous husband by her side. We hear all the normal commotion’s of a child birth.
DOCTOR
One last push and we’re home free OK? One, two, three, gooo!
The woman screams and grunts out a kid. The nurse wraps up little Bob in a blanket and hands him to the father. Proud and in tears the father looks down to his child.
DOCTOR
It’s a boy.
The father’s face goes sour.
FATHER
Is he suppose to be this fat?
CUT TO:
TUNNEL
Again we are flying through unknown territory. The tunnel wraps around and under rapidly. We look to our other side to find another piece of Bob’s life.
EXT. GRADE SCHOOL YARD - DAY
Bob is standing alone quietly by a tree coloring in a book. He is about five or six years old, but he has already adorned his black trench coat. There are kids in the distance giving a poor new boy a hard time.
Jay is being backed into a corner by three tough boys and an equally tough girl. Jay is tearing up with fear. His hair has yet to grow out and he’s kindof a nerd.
MEAN BOY 1
(tossing rocks at poor Jay)
Why don’t you cry some more, CRYBABY!
The other kids meanly chant:
CRY BABY CRY BABY TWO BY FOUR
KICK HIS ASS RIGHT OUT THE DOOR
MEAN GIRL
You wanna try and look up my dress again jerkface? Beat him up Marty!!
MEAN BOY 1 (MARTY)
I’m gonna pound your face into the ground you little squirt.
As they inch forward to pulverize poor Jay, Bob comes up from behind to save the day. He very sloppily punches his way towards Jay and helps him up.
JAY
Yeah Fatass! Kick their bitch asses!
Bob nods and suddenly notices the girl. She races towards them with a rebel yell. Bob and jay exchange fearful looks and run off. We fast forward a chase around the playground, our viewpoint from the sky.
FADE TO:
TUNNEL
Still a ways to go we fly quicker than ever through the colorful tube. We travel a beat longer till we turn to catch the next flash of Bob’s life...
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL YARD - DAY
Bob is waiting outside. He is casually leaning against a wall. Kids stream past him as they rush off to class. They thin out and finally the bell rings. The halls are empty except for Bob who is still leaning against the wall.
Jay springs into scene bouncing off Bob. Jay and Bob are approximately 16 - 17 years old. Jay’s hair is still short at this age. He parts it on the side and greases it to his head with hairsprey.
JAY
Com’on stupid. Those chicks are waiting. We’re gonna get soo laid tonight my tubby, tubular, friend!
They walk away.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Two Madonna look alikes swing at the park waiting for Jay and his present. They look at each other with disgust as he approaches. One of them sticks her finger in her mouth to gag herself. (it’s the eighties after all)
Jay hops up to them with way too much energy.
JAY
Here we are ladies, Jay “Jumbo you gumbo” and Bob ”tubby of lovey”. We gonna party or what?
GIRL 1
I’m sooo sure.
GIRL 2
Whatever, did you bring the pot Jay?
JAY
You know I did honey bun. I stole this from that jock fuck Rick Dillis or whatever his name is. Dude had it in his gym locker like a looser.
GIRL 2
Wull, uhh. Is it any good?
Bob and Jay shrug.
JAY
I dunno, I’ve never done it before. So are gonna take your pants off now? I’m ready to rock.
GIRL 2
I’m not gonna do it until you guys try it first. I don’t want no shit weed. What if it’s laced with speed or something?
Jay looks at Bob. They consider things.
JAY
Will you take off your pants then?
GIRL 2
No.
JAY
Damn. How ‘bout your shirt?
GIRL 2
Fuck you pervert.
JAY
Damn teases... Well, will you at least give me and Bob a kiss?
GIRL 1
I’ll kiss Bob, but not you.
His eyes popping to attention Bob pulls out a joint from the inside of his coat. He looks at Jay and slowly lights it up.
BOB’S POV
Everyone leans in to look at him making sure he’s OK. The camera moves up and down to signal Bob saying yes. Bob hands it to GIRL 2 who takes a drag and passes it on. Jay is the last person to get a hit and by then we can see Bob’s vision has blurred and the bottom of the screen is watery. Jay giggles like a girl even before he takes the hit. He pulls in a large drag and laughs his silly ass off.
JAY
SNOOTCHY FUCKIN’ BOOTCHIES!!
FADE OUT
TUNNEL
The Tunnel has not changed a bit and we are still flying. Again turning after a beat, more flashes are presented. This time it is a series of flashes instead of specific scenes. Flashing before us we see clips from the original DOGMA movie. Also we see Bob's transition after Jay’s death, to becoming a reverend. Several flashes are devoted to Bethany as Bob had a significant crush on her.
The flashes cease and we are once again in the tunnel. This time we see a distant light. It approaches us quickly and we suddenly cut to black.
INT. MALL - DAY
Jay and Silent Bob are riding a crowded escalator up. We view them at first from high above. Then quickly we zoom in on Bob. Just as we get to him he flies back (as if hit) and down the escalator through several people.
Jay rushes by his friends side.
JAY
What the hell was that about Jim Carrey? You have a seizure or some fuck?
Bob is dazed and blinks his eyes. He looks around trying to realize where he’s at.
He suddenly notices Jay. His eyes well up with tears and hug hugs his long lost buddy HARD.
JAY
GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU FAGGOT FUCK. WHAT IN THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?? DAMN SHITHEAD YOU’RE GONNA KILL ME AND SHIT LET GO! I CAN’T BREATH COCKBREATH!
Jay wiggles himself free. Bob takes another look around and stands up. The crowd that has gathered leaves. Jay eyes Bob mysteriously.
Bob looks to him
BOB
We got work to do ol’ pal.
JAY
Huh? Work? Bite your tongue!
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
...under construction...