When You Live Together.

 
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex kitten
and you tell her so; you're so sweet and adorable, and headjobs follow
ambient dinners like a fine grandfather port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie daks while hypnotised 
by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and bitch about
work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl in the office
really does  have a great arse.

When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes cohabitation; and
your gorgeous sex kitten becomes "her indoors".
 

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
Does this sound familiar??


1.Addictions

Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a hot
day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational drugs but those
days are well and truly over.

After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out
your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants and
expect her to accept that you're just being you.
 

2.Bodily functions

Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the bowl
to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.
 
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating on the 
resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the contrary, you fart in 
bed and hold her head under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
 

3.Relations/Friends

Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively personality
and interesting views about politics, and her unemployed girlfriend 
Amanda is a genuine, charming supportive friend who you think is really 
nice.

After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist with all
the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a manipulative loser, but you
wouldn't mind slipping her one if the opportunity arose.
 

4.Sex

Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for hours.
You shag to impress, using all your tricks - your renowned tit grope,
marathon oral sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking four 
times a day is not uncommon.
 
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex. When you do
have sex, you think about Amanda.


5.Attention span

Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her anecdotes
about her life pre-you are spellbinding. Over candlelight and coffee 
you listen with interest and politely chortle as she recounts stories of 
her childhood. 

After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything that
doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the uncanny ability to
be able to concentrate on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The 
phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.


6.The flip side

Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual athlete,
attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of all crass  male habits which
have plagued her previous relationships.....but she suspects that you're
full of shit.

After: She knows you're full of shit.