Top Tips.

 

 Weight watchers.  Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble
 at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying
 the thing in the first place, you fat b******s.

 Dyslexics.  Try deliberately spelling words wrongly.  This
 way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

 Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class
 Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards,
 painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes.
 It never fails to impress the girls.

 Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack
 up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in
 the box.  The possibility of putting that one in your mouth
 will put you off smoking any of them.

 Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears,
 talking gibberish and singing all the time.

 If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
 Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
 presto!  The blockage is almost instantly removed.

 Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by
 getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry
 a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the
 broken glass to  the side of the road every time you have a
 minor accident.

 Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling
 them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then
 hanging up half way through their reply.

 Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day.
 They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or
 offensive.

 Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
 nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

 Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
 following morning you can create the effects of a hangover
 by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging
 your head repeatedly on the wall.

 Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
 seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog
 turd into the bath.
> 
> 
 Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all
 their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
 your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
 two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before
 jumping in.

 Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning
 her up and telling her.

 Girls.  Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?  Simply get
 pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every
 bloke who looks at you over the fence.

 Bus drivers.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging
 your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the
 steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back
 along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 International master criminals.  Tell your guards to shoot
 James Bond in the head at the first opportunity.  Under no
 circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave
 him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

 KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for
 giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars
 bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
 FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for
 midgets.

 PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along
 an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews
 for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the
 expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and
 therefore increase your chances of getting the job.