> **Barbie's Letter to Santa**

Submitted by Tony Caldwell, tonycald@ix.netcom.com

>
> Dear Santa,
>
> Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
> year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
> bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from
> one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S
> DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this
> Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
> trust me,you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday
> wish list.
>
>  1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
> I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing
> suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
> and velcro crawling up your butt?
>
> 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
>    white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
>    imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!
>
> 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Heck , I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
>    wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.  And what's with that earring
>    anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and
>    me) anatomically correct.
>
> 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
>    away once he is anatomically correct.
>
> 5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
>    just get it done.
>
> 6. A jogging bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.
>
> 7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
>    How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account
>    exec! Maybe something on Wall Street?
>
> 8. A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
>    miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag
>    of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
>    outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
>    Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several
>      packs of gum.
>
> 9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my
>    vinyl.
>
> 10.Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
>
> OK, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society,
> I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you disagree, then
> you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that
> simple.
>
> Yours truly,
> Barbie
>

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