Tactful husband who forgot: "But, Dear, how can you expect  me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

 

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A man goes to the dentist and says:  My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend? 
Doctor: A brown tie!!!
 

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Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? 
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

 

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Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
 

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Q: Men often brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? 

 

A: Women who answer 900 numbers

 

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Gosh, I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.
 

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Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

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Did you hear about the bird thieves who were accused of fowl play?

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Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter.

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Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
 

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In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

 

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

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We were playing cards the other day. I complained to my partner about the knot in my tie. He asked me if I knew how to tie a Windsor knot. I told him it doesn’t matter if you Windsor knot, it’s how you play the game.

 

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