When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m., on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" phone call that 99% of men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Alas, they rarely prove effective.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males mare still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their handwriting. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i"s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p"s and "g"s. It's a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room watching television,
and an episode of The Three Stooges comes on. Immediately the men will get
very excited. They will laugh uproariously and even try to imitate the
actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and
groan and wait it out.
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be
able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she need and then goes to the grocery store to buy these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the "Beverly Hillbillies." Of course, this will not stop him from going to the "10 Items or Less" lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on a pair of sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick her shoes off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he's auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
When Kim, Angela, Christy, and Michelle get together, they'll call each other Kim, Angela, Christy, and Michelle. But when Mike, Dave, Rob, and Doug get together, they'll call each other Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, Godzilla, and Useless...
...And when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob, and Doug will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none of them will admit they want change back. But when the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in mirrors. Women are ridiculous; they will check their reflections out in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, a bald man's head, etc.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to
be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will
drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
I found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.
I recognize that 7-11 store."
(Fred, there are thousands of 7-11 stores in this country, and they all
look exactly the same!)
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of mens' toys: Little miniature TV's. Car Phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic Equalizers. Small Robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least four "C" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a series of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The degree and nature of these changes varies from woman to woman. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy french cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a new Porsche.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of- the-art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang licence plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do nude scenes. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Men consider swimming pools a bath. Women consider them a reason to take a bath.
When men say they're ready to go out, they're ready to go out. When women say they're ready, it means they will be ready, as soon as they find their other earring, finish putting on their makeup, finding a pair of shoes that matches her outfit, finding a lipstick that matches the shoes and the outfit, etc.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women know all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, favorite foods, best friends, and secret fears, hopes, and dreams. Men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Men dress up for weddings and funerals. Women dress up to go shopping, water the plants, get the mail, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, etc.
When reminiscing about the wedding, women always talk about the ceremony and the reception. Men talk about the bachelor party and the stripper their good buddy Phil found for them.
Men wear sensible socks. They wear white athletic socks or black business socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.