Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret
to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness
from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes
effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below,
you will find the reasons for this action:
___ Your use of the term
"the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my
feelings.
___ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance
of punctuation.
___ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that
you were less than honest:
___ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you
claimed to be a man.
___ You typed your own name at the
end.
___ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply
page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.
___ I finally opened the file with
your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.
___ I have no choice but to
comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking
charges.
___ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the
computer.
___ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all
the time you're spending on the computer.
___ I have established a
more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in
great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the
endtimes come. They are closer than you think.
___ The fact that you
BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in
cyber cheating.
___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you
are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.
___ I am entering the
witness protection program.
Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or
__ you misbegotten son of a seahog __ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West
Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown
apart.
Any additional correspondence you may direct to my
attorney,
__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go
before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is
coming up the stairs,
__ Good riddance,
[Name or alias]
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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