6:00 A.M.  - Alarm goes off.

6:10, 6:20, 6:30, 6:40, 6:50 A.M.  - Alarm goes off.

7:00 A.M.  - Wake up and mentally review Plan of Action for accomplishing Today's Target Tasks.

7:10 A.M.  - Alarm goes off.

7:11 A.M.  - Open bedroom door and greet dogs.  (NOTE:  I always allow at least 10 minutes for this, because dogs have the same IQ as artichokes, and thus when they see me close the door at night - even though they've seen me do this approximately 1,300 times - they are certain they'll never see me again, and consequently they give me an insanely joyful welcome comparable to the one given to the Allied forces when they liberated Paris, the difference being that the Parisians were slightly less likely, in their enthusiasm, to wet on your feet.)

7:21 A.M.  - Wake up child.

7:25 A.M.  - Commence bathroom activities, including intense 12-minute inspection and tentative probing of impending nose zit.

7:45 A.M.  - Wake up child.

7:48 A.M.  - Prepare breakfast of modern, easy to prepare, nutrition-free food substances, such as Waffles In A Can.

7:50 A.M.  - Wake up child.  8:00 A.M.  - Read newspaper.  Save time by skipping stories whose headlines contain any of the following words: NATO, ECONOMY, DOLLAR, MIDEAST, ENVIRONMENT, FEDERAL, OZONE, ASIA, PRESIDENT (in Canada - PRIME MINISTER), CONGRESS, NUCLEAR, and CANCER.  If running late, go directly to comics.

8:03 A.M.  - Wake up child.

8:06 A.M.  - Feed child quick breakfast consisting of cereal advertised on Saturday-morning television cartoon shows, such as Sug-a-Rama with Lumps o' Honey ("The Cereal That Makes Your Attention Span Even Shorter").

8:12 A.M.  - Rush to car and drive child to school, learning en route that child's Science Fair project, which child has never mentioned, is due that morning.

8:23 A.M.  - Arrive at school with completed Science Fair project, entitled "Objects Found in 1984 Jeep Ashtray."

8:25 A.M.  - Drive to office, turning "dead time" in car to productive use by examining nose zit in rearview mirror and making helpful corrective gestures at other drivers.

9:07 A.M.  - Arrive at office and immediately plunge into the hectic but invigorating task of getting coffee.

9:14 A.M.  - meet with co-workers to review issues left unresolved from previous day concerning pathetic state of Miami Dolphin defense.

9:37 A.M.  - Coffee.

9:43 A.M.  - Receive phone call from school official wondering how come child is not wearing shoes.

9:49 A.M.  - Turn on word processor in preparation for day's highest-priority Target Task, writing humour column due several days earlier.

9:51 A.M.  - Coffee.

10:20 A.M. - Stop in office of colleague for briefing concerning the story about the Polish airliner that crashed in a cemetery.  (NOTE: they recovered 11,000 bodies.)

10:56 A.M. - Lunch.

11:27 A.M. - Back to work on humour column.  Develop strong opening phrase: "One thing that has always struck me as very funny is."  Sink back in chair in exhaustion due to creative effort.

11:34 A.M. - Lunch.

12:22 P.M. - Review Polish airliner story with various colleagues.

1:34 P.M.  - Revise opening phrase to read:  "A very funny thing, and one that lends itself quite naturally to being the topic of a humour column is."

2:05 P.M.  - Lunch.

2:42 P.M.  - Come up with very strong new opening phrase:  "If you're going to write a funny column, probably the easiest topic you could pick is."

3:32 P.M.  - Coffee.

3:51 P.M.  - Nose zit update.

4:23 P.M.  - Brief additional colleagues on Polish airliner matter.

4:47 P.M.  - Lunch.

5:08 P.M.  - Make final revisions on opening column phrase ("A humour-column topic so obvious that it practically writes itself is.").

5:27 P.M.  - Explain to editor that only minor "fine-tuning" remains and column will definitely be finished by next day or following summer at latest.

6:39 P.M.  - Arrive home to insanely joyful greeting from dogs, who, believing themselves abandoned forever, spent entire day throwing up in despair.

7:22 P.M.  - Finish clean up and commence quiet, intimate, romantic microwave pizza dinner with spouse.

7:23 P.M.  - receive phone call from school official with talent for sarcasm, inquiring about any possible plans in near future to pick up child.

7:52 P.M.  - Return home with child to discover that dogs, grief stricken over most recent departure, have managed to get pizza smears as high as seven feet up on living room walls.

8:51 P.M.  - Enjoy wholesome fast-food family dinner at Cholesterol Castle.

9:47 P.M.  - Return home and enjoy emotional dog reunion resulting in several hairline fractures.

10:23 P.M. - Put child to bed and experience touching parental moment when, just as he is falling asleep, child remembers that on following day he is supposed to come to school in authentic costume of Yap islander.

10:32 P.M. - Nose zit update.

10:47 P.M. - Lunch.

11:00 P.M. - Turn on late news.

11:01 P.M. - Turn off late news when announcer uses the word "nuclear."

11:02 P.M. - Love life.

11:03 P.M. - Think about TargetTasks for tomorrow.  Lots to do.  Got column to write.  Got developing nose zit.  Got dogs to kill.  Better set alarm for 6:00 A.M. sharp.