A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but is not nearly enough to even pay part of the rent.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later it’s all gone. I certainly don’t spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is taking it.

You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows she needs it. And money isn’t the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I can’t seem to keep that stuff in the house anymore. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds, I suspect she realizes that and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so they won’t fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized. She also fiddles with my VCR so it does not record what I have carefully programmed it to do.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately she has been fooling with my groceries, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. Is this any way to repay my hospitality.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my passport picture taken, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

  ~ Rose Madeline Mula