(or "How To Be Less Of An Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While Traveling")

Learn some elementary physics:
That bag will NOT fit into the overhead compartment even if you're in First Class.

Try to be smarter about seating:
If you have poor bladder control, then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you and sit towards the back of the plane.

Stewardesses do not have ESP:
Learn the proper use of the CALL button.

Newspapers wide; seats narrow:
Don't open your newspaper right into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading that column, and if I'm sitting in front of you do not keep tapping me in the head unless you want a shredded paper

If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on typing disparaging comments about you and your mother.

Children travel best in one of two forms:
(1) muzzled and heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.

No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

And if you are in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all know you got there on an upgrade or a corporate ticket.

If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

Your Rear End is bigger than you think;
watch where you point it, and "cutting the cheese" stinks no matter how funny you think it is.

I don't care how they do things in your home, state, or country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental deployment of the oxygen air bags during flight. If you still decide not to bathe prior to air travel, then at least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

Your briefcase goes under the seat in front of you, not the seat directly beneath you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you.

If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination. And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight on you, and not in your briefcase.

Flying is like camping:
Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you started with.