A Little Laughter...goes a long way

Ineffective Daily Affirmations


~~ As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

~~ I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

~~ I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

~~ I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

~~ In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

~~ Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

~~ My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

~~ I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

~~ I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

~~ Joan of Arc heard voices too.

~~ I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

~~ I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

~~ As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

~~ When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

~~ The first step is to say nice things about myself.  The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

~~ As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

~~ All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

~~ I am at one with my duality.

~~ Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

~~ I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

~~ Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

~~ Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

~~ Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

~~ False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

~~ A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

~~ Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

~~ Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

~~ Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

~~ The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

~~ I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

~~ Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

~~ To understand all is to fear all.

~~ I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

~~ The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

~~ My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

~~ To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

~~ I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

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