Subject: Warning to Family & Friends
WARNING to the Family and
Friends of a Returning Sailor:
You will soon have your loved one at
home again. He has been living in an extremely crude environment for quite
some time and will require time to adjust to his former lifestyle.
The
key to help him through this difficult time is PATIENCE.
Remain calm
if he:
Mixes his mashed potatoes with his chocolate
pudding;
Stirs his coffee with his finger or ball point pen, or eats
as though someone was going to steal his food.
Bear with him if he
walks out to the back patio and throws the trash over the railing into the
backyard.
Do not be alarmed when he walks through a door and ducks his
head and raises his feet, because it's not a neurotic condition, it's just
the way he has been walking for the past six months.
Show no surprise
if he accuses the grocer of being a thief; argues with the sales clerk about
the price of each item and tries to sell cigarettes to the newsboy on the
sly.
Most important of all for the first twenty-four
hours:
Keep him away from attractive young women. If he goes near them
he may become incoherent. Staring, drooling, and mumbling something about
round eyes! After the initial shock wears off, he can be around them, but
must be closely watched. His intentions will be extremely sincere and equally
dishonorable.
His digestive tract will also require some adjustment.
For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they are colorless
and falling apart (after they have been sitting out in the hot sun for at
least a week prior to his getting home). Eggs must be tinged with a shade of
green and be runny, bacon nearly raw and all other meats must be extremely
well done. Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef
the first night, braised beef the second, beef tips the third, beef stew the
fourth, etc. If milk is served, it should be at room temperature and slightly
diluted with water. If he prefers to eat his meals while sitting next to the
trash can, don't be concerned, he's grown so used to the smell that it may
take awhile for his normal tastes to return.
In the evenings, turn off
all air-conditioning, open all windows and let in as many bugs as
possible.
Let him sleep on the floor in the laundry room with the
dirty clothes because he's so used to the smell.
For the first few
nights wake him every three or four hours. Tell him he's late for the night
lawnmower watch in the back yard. He'll understand because he's been doing
something just as stupid for the past few months.
Under no
circumstances should he be allowed to get a complete nights sleep during the
critical adjustment time.
His daily routine may seem strange to you,
especially when he wakes everyone up at six in the morning screaming,
Reveille-Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up! Just smile and nod and
make sure everyone is up and on the back porch at seven-fifteen for muster,
instruction and inspection.
Then, in the late afternoon, humor
him when he walks around the house closing all the windows and doors and
reports to you that yoke is set throughout the house.
After sundown,
don't argue with him when he yells at you for opening up the window blinds
while darken house is set.
His language may seem foreign and you may
not understand all the terms he uses. It isn't necessary that you do. Just
smile and be pleasant. Some of the terms you might hear are; turn-to,
Sweepers-sweepers, men working aloft, This is a drill, wog, beerthirty,
etc.
Do not be surprised when he answers the phone and instead of
saying hello, he says the room he is in, his rank and name. For example,
Living room, "You Fill In The Blank" speaking, this is a non-secured line,
subject to monitoring, how may I help you sir or ma'am?
NEVER make
favorable references to the Navy leadership structure. To do so will almost
always illicit an extremely loud, violent and profane outburst which may
continue for hours.
The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous
place in the house for your USS "You Fill In The Blank" returnee. Before he
arrives, strip the bathroom of all accessories such as towels, bathmats, and
any and all toiletry items. Crack the mirror and run water on the floor.
Toilet paper is optional, but if it is furnished, it must be placed in a
puddle on the floor. Turn off the hot water at the source for the first few
days. Wait until he is in the shower, soaped up and then turn the water off
altogether for about fifteen minutes. All of these precautions are
imperative, because if he walks into a bathroom which is complete with the
above mentioned items, he may shrink into a corner and curl into a fetal
position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens, there are only two proven
and accepted methods of snapping him out of it; yell Mail-Call or
Liberty-Call. In either case, stay clear of the doorway.
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