A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I
certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and
the next day she was. She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out
of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse
of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance,
there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous
face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it
but, she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite
frightening!
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do
is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a
dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa
cushion but, that is not nearly enough. In fact, I don't want to jump to
conclusions but, I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM
and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I
certainly don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old
lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money
to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it!
And money isn't the
only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an
alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and
candy. I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must
really have a sweet tooth but, she better watch it because she is really
packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel
better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on
weight too.
For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She
likes to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I'm
not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or messing with my
files and papers so that I can't find them. This is particularly annoying
since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to
make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to
record.
She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to
my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so
badly that I can't see it. And she has done something really sinister to the
volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles
and whispers.
has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my
vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even
made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real
challenge.
Furthermore, she gets to my groceries before I get them put
away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to
open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get
any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It
is very unattractive! And as if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer
confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car
and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of
shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same exact
outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from
seeing how great it looks on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get
any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license
picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right
in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady
is me?
She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I
swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I
shouldn't be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can
claim her as a dependent. Oh, oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first
because she is always on my computer too.
*sigh*.....what's a body to
do?????
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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