Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the
ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would
milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through
G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of
dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait
an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make
mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The
people who live above me are furious.
Do they have reserved parking
for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
When a man talks
dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man,
it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot
them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a
mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in
it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such
a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know
the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians
throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called
apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a
"non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't
have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a
taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up
owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the
other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see
it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange
than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it
a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps
after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word
"monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when
they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it
research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat
vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a
pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar,
but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400
billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he
has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the
opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it
lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to
get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure"
it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do
little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't
Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a
travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an
invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people, or
does it just SEEM longer?
If all those psychics know the winning
lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to
save face to keep the lower part shut?
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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