How to Win at Golf

  1. Training
    1. Mental Prep
      1. Watch PGA Religiously
      2. Get that computer game with Jack what'shisname
      3. Rent "personal victory" subliminal tapes
    2. Equipage
      1. Make sure your putter has a pro autograph on it
      2. Pick up a bargain bag of tees-n-balls at K-Mart
    3. Diet
      1. Avoid baseball or football food
        1. No Hotdogs
        2. No pretzels
        3. No peanuts or Crackerjacks
      2. Absolutely No Alcohol!!
  2. Pre-Game
    1. Dress
      1. Put on shorts, even if it's freezing
      2. But a new hat if you lost last time
    2. Location and Scheduling
      1. Select a course where your spouse won't find you
      2. To save on fees, play where your buddy works
    3. Opponent
      1. Look for: obesity, femininity, alzheimers, inexperience
      2. Shun: suntan, stethescope, strident walk, florida accent
      3. Buy opponent as many pre-game drinks as possible