Phase I

Assemble an A-Team: a world class hacker, an expert geneticist, a multi-billionaire, a microbiologist, and a weapon manipulator.

Phase II

Purchase all the stocks of all the pain reliever producers in the world. Continue production of pain relievers.

Phase III

Genetically engineer the bacteria parasiticus mindcontrolus to release cocaine for the duration of 3 years.

Phase IV

Hack into the McDonald's mainframe computer where they produce all of their fast 'food' products, conveniently frozen for easy oil soak-ation. Instruct it to add parasiticus mindcontrolus to their fast 'food' products.

Phase V

Almost everyone on earth will be exposed to the effects of cocaine. [Bob Dole will take advantage of this opportunity for sure] The production of their endomorphins (substances that block your pain receptors so you're not crying out in agony every time you touch something) will slowly drop off until only the cocaine is keeping them from feeling pain.

Phase VI

Discontinue pain reliever production

Phase VII

After 3 years, parasiticus will stop cocaine release.

Phase VIII

Dole out free aspirin among the pain racked masses.

Phase IX

As the people rejoice, wistfully remark in a press conference that you always wanted to be an astronaut but that NASA rejected you for refusing to eject Newt Gingrich out of a spaceshuttle whilst he was visiting.

Phase X

Arm your shuttle with an Intercontinental Balistic Missile (IBM), loaded with a mind control drug.

Phase XI

Discreetly push the astronauts out of the airlock, and fire the IBM at the Geneva Peace Conference of World Leaders.

Phase XII

As the debris clears from the crash, people will inhale the mind controlling drug and become comatose for 72 hours.

Phase XIII

When the shuttle lands, people will arise and the first thing towards the remnants of the IBM (TV cameras will be strategically placed at the crucial points).

Phase XIV

You make a speech expressing your love and concern for all people and your extreme sorrow for the disaster that has happened today.

Phase V

Still under the influence of the mind control drug and without any of the leaders in sight, the people unanimously elect you World Leader.

Phase VI

You start your tyrannical reign of the world.

Hear the cry of the mother at the hour of giving birth, see the struggle of the dying at the last moment; and say then whether that which begins and that which ends like this can be designed for pleasure.
--Kierkegaard