Characters
Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin: A young rich fiancee who feels trapped by her betrothed and the society she lives in.
Abner Alastair Coleman: A rich heir to the largest condom manufacturer in America, Opal's intended
Brock Lubbock: A very handsome young man without a penny in his pocket or a brain cell in his head
Joe: Brock's sidekick
Millicent Witherspoon-Potamkin: Opal's mother, who insists that she marry Abner Alastair
Louisa Sterns: The wife of a newly rich oil tycoon who helps Brock
Timothy Victor: The architect of the ship
Roger John Wallis: The ship's captain, on his last voyage
Cadwallader Simpson: The greedy manager from the Blue Speedo line who urges Wallis to sail faster
The Rich Crowd: With names like Bertram, Lowell, Ethelbert, Percival, Gwendolen, Maude and Rowena, how can they not be rich Americans?
The Not-Rich Crowd: With names like Pete, Steve, Sally, Sue and Jim-Bob, how can they not be middle-class passengers?
and of course...
Tifranic: The greatest miracle of man ever made
Scene One
(A fleet of extremely long stretch limos arrive at the pier. From the very last door of each limousine, exactly one member of the Witherspoon-Potamkin or Coleman family emerges.)
Abner: Well, Opal, here he is! The greatest miracle of man ever to grace the face of this planet! The Tifranic!
Opal: I don't see what makes this Tifranic so great. I've been on plenty of boats before, and it's always the same. Get on the boat, cross the water, get off. There's nothing special about it!
Abner: You can't be blase about Tifranic, Opal! After all, he'll give you quite the ride before you finally get off!
Opal: I'll believe it when I experience it!
Abner: Oh believe me, Opal, you will.
(Across the dock)
Brock: Uhh... I can't get it into my head that we won these boat tickets and are going to... Uhh... where it is?
Joe: America. We're going to America.
Brock: Oh yeah. Right. I can't believe we won. I'm no good at poker, the numbers don't make sense to me. But we're still going on the... what's it called?
Joe: Tifranic. The greatest marvel of man on the planet.
Brock: Right. Tifranic.
Joe: Yeah. And if it weren't for your roguish good looks, we'd still be in that bar, begging cheap prostitutes for sex!
Brock: Right! I may not be able to tell an ace from a spade, but how could that card-player resist me? Man, woman and beast alike are all powerless to my love stare! (Initiates love stare on nearby crowd of women)
Woman: Oooh! (Faints, falls off pier into ocean)
Joe: Put that away before you get us arrested!
Brock: For what?
Joe: I'm sure there's a law against rendering innocent women helpless like that! There's gotta be! Anyways, let's go, we've got to get on the boat! It's about to leave!
Brock: What boat? Oh, yeah.
Scene Two
(On the rich-people deck of the Tifranic. No one else is around.)
Millicent: Well, Opal, here we are, off on our way to a new life!
Opal: Oh, shut up, you bitch!
Millicent: Why, I never!
(Abner approaches)
Abner: Trouble, ladies?
Millicent: No, of course not. I'll leave you two to talk while I prepare the state rooms.
Abner: Ta-ta. Well, Opal, we finally have a moment to be alone. (Abner leans in to kiss Opal)
Opal: Err, uhh, this really is a big boat!
Abner: What? Oh, yes. Now, where were we?
Opal: Not now! Not in daylight, where other people can see!
Abner: Other people?
Opal: Uhh, so, umm... I think I'll go for a walk! See you later!
Abner: Opal, why this displeasure? You know there's nothing I can't give you! You could have everything! Diamonds, yachts, shoes!! What will it take to please you?
Opal: Oh, give me space! Please!
Abner: I am your fiance! I need to do no such thing!
(Down on the Not-Rich-People deck, Brock and Joe observe the scene)
Joe: What an asshole.
Brock: Huh?
Joe: That guy! See, up on the Rich-People deck. He's yelling at his girlfriend!
Brock: Huh?
Joe: Yeah! Doesn't he realize what a gem she is? I'd give my right eye to go talk to her!
Brock: What?
Joe: Yeah, my right eye! Oh, if only there was a way!
Brock: Uhh... I know!
Joe: Were you even listening to me?
Brock: Uhh...yeah! Yeah!
Joe: Then what's your plan?
Brock: My good looks!
Joe: What?!?
Brock: (Smiles seductively)
Joe: I see what you mean... I've got it! You'll use your looks to get up onto the Rich deck. Then, you can talk to her and bring her down here and introduce me!
Brock: Talk to her, introduce you. Got it.
Scene Three
(On the Rich People deck. Brock saunters up to Opal.)
Brock: Hello.
Opal: Who let you up here? Guard!
Brock: Wait! (Fixes her with his love-stare)
Opal: Ooh, hello there handsome!
Brock: Hi. My friend sent me up here-
Opal: Forget your friend! Have sex with me now!
Brock: Umm... I don't think Joe said anything about that...
Opal: Oh, you luscious piece of manflesh!
Brock: Well, thank you!
Opal: You can thank me all night long in the back seat of a Model-T Ford, baby!
Brock: Umm, sorry, miss...
Opal: Miss Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin.
Brock: Wha?
Opal: Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin.
Brock: Huh?
Opal: Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin. O-P-A-L W-I-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N P-O-T-A-M-K-I-N. Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin.
Brock: No one said nothin' about there bein' a spellin' bee!
Opal: (Climbs onto the ship's railing) Have sex with me or I'll jump!
Brock: Now don't do anything drastic!
Opal: I'll let go!
Brock: Uhh... No!
Opal: Why not? Will you sleep with me?
Brock: Climb back down and I'll tell you. Give me your hand.
Opal: Ok! My, you sure are strong! (Brock's manly grip fails for a second, Opal nearly plunges into the sea)
Opal: Aaaaaah! Heeeelp mee!
Brock: I've got you! (He hoists her over the railing to safety, they fall in a heap on the deck)
Opal: Ooh! Much better!
(A guard rushes up.)
Guard: Get off of her now, you ruffian!
Brock: Wait! (Fixes the guard with his love stare)
Guard: Never mind! Hey, who are you?
(Abner rushes up)
Abner: Hey! Who are you, and why are you with my fiancee Opal Witherspoon-Potamkin?
Brock: Is that a name or something?
Abner: Answer me now!
Brock: Wait! (Fixes Abner with his love stare)
Abner: Join us for dinner! Tonight!
Brock: Uhh, Ok!
Scene Four
(On the deck)
Joe: I can't believe it! Wow! You can introduce me after dinner!
Brock: Sure. But first, I need something cool to wear.
Joe: Hey, there's a lady with her son's steamer trunk. She can help!
Brock: Hey, lady, can I have some of your son's clothes?
Louisa: Well, I never! Why should I give you my son's clothes?
Brock: Wait! (Fixes her with his love-stare)
Louisa: Take off what you've got on now, and I'll see what I can do!
Brock: Why does everyone keep askin' me to get naked?
Joe: Must be your good looks!
Brock: Yeah, I can understand that.
(In her stateroom)
Louisa: These should fit.
Brock: (Emerges in a tux) How do I look?
Louisa: Good enough to eat!
Brock: Great! Off to dinner!
(Meanwhile, in Opal's stateroom)
Opal: (Sits at her dressing table) Sigh, why must I be trapped in a loveless marriage with Abner Alastair? A union based merely on money and riches? Why can't I have a relationship based purely on animalistic sex, like with Brock? Oh, Brock! I love him so!
Abner: (Knocks on door) Sweetums, may I come in?
Opal: Uhh, sure...
Abner: Darling, I love you. And I was hoping that perhaps tonight, after dinner, you and I could -
Opal: Play Parcheesi? Perfect. I love board games!
Abner: Uhh, no. See, I was hoping that you and I could, you know, sample some of my father's company products! He makes condoms, you know.
Opal: But Brock, I don't understand - I've never played a board game that needs condoms before! Well, except for that one time.. But anyways. I need to dress for dinner. May you please excuse me?
Abner: What aren't you understanding? Forget the board games! After dinner, I want you to go down below and see how big my boat really is!
Opal: All anyone ever talks about is how big Tifranic is. Size doesn't matter!
Abner: Good to hear you say that. Because you see, I'm not exactly hung like a-
Opal: Look, please let me be for awhile. I need to dress.
Abner: Oh villainous wretch! Why don't you understand that I'm asking you for sex? Come to my room tonight or else! (He storms from the room)
Opal: Oh, dear. Should I tell him that I was planning on sleeping with Brock instead? Nah...
Scene Five
In the dining hall. Brock, Opal, Abner, Millicent, Louisa and the important boat people are seated around a table.
Millicent: So, Brock, tell us what it's like to be a poor, uneducated street rat!
Opal: Mother!
Millicent: Sorry, perhaps I should rephrase. What is it like to be a penniless, stupid, dumb animal?
Brock: Well, it's great! Why, just the other day I was getting with this French prostitute who only had one leg. And the week before, I was pedaling a bicycle in Cuba to make electricity! I never know what's next in my life, whether I'll be breaking the law, or being exploited by dictators and oppressors.
Millicent: But isn't it true that you never bathe, and often smell...bad?
Opal: Actually, mother, I'll have you know that in ancient times, the French royalty only bathed twice a year! So by associating with prostitutes and smelling terribly, he's mimicking Louis XIV!
Abner: A toast! To smelling and sex and Louie XIV!
All: Here, here!
Opal: So, tell us, Timothy, since you're the architect of the ship, how did you choose the name Tifranic?
Timothy: Perhaps Cadwallader, the manager of the Blue Speedo line, would prefer to tell the story. He is the one who christened him, after all.
Cadwallader: Well, I wanted to convey sheer size. So I named him Tifranic. Any questions?
All: Nope!
Opal: Well, I'm afraid I must retire for the evening. Here, Brock, take this handkerchief of mine.
Brock: No, it's OK, I don't need it.
Opal: Take it!
Brock: OK....
Opal: Good night all!
Brock: Wait, Opal, are you sure you don't want this? There's a message written on it!
Louisa: (Whispering) The message is for you, dork!
Brock: What's it say?
Louisa: Meet me for mad sex in my stateroom at 10:00. Bring that hot Louisa woman.
Brock: Really?
Louisa: Well, Ok, not that last part. But the rest is true.
Brock: Oh, why do women always want to sleep with me?
Louisa: Got me! Maybe you'd better go to Opal's stateroom to find out.
Brock: Sadly, ladies and gentlemen, I must depart. But it's been fun. (Fixes them with his love stare)
All: No, Brock, don't go!
Brock: Hmm... Sex or talk to rich people. Sex or talk to rich people. Well, uhh, bye!
Scene Six
Opal's stateroom
Opal: Oh, hello Brock, welcome. Follow me into my be-
Brock: Wait! First, let's go down to steerage and dance an Irish jig with the other poor people!
Opal: Ok...
(Irish dancing scene)
Opal: Ok, now we're back. Wanna f-
Brock: Wait! Let me draw you naked first!
Opal: Oh, fine. Whatever. At least we're getting somewhere.
(He draws her naked.)
Opal: Oh, that was exhilarating! Now, let's go have sex in a car!
Brock: Ok, fine
Opal: Let me leave a note for Abner first. (She writes the note). Ok, let's go!
Scene Seven
Abner's stateroom
Abner: Well, well, where is my fiancee? Oh My God, a naked drawing of her! And there's a note! "Dear Abner, I am leaving you. I've found someone who needs me, appreciates me." She can't! "Abner, you are not a man, you are a billboard! P.S. I may need some of those condoms after all, since I've gone to have sex with Brock. And though you personally carry extra-small, can you round up some extra-large?" Ack! That bitch! I'll kill her! Why, how dare she call me a billboard!
Scene Eight
The Captain's office
Roger John: Well, this is certainly a fabulous ship! Timothy, I congratulate you on such a wonderful construction!
Cadwallader: Yes, yes. The Blue Speedo line hasn't had a vessel of Tifranic's caliber in years!
Timothy: No, it the pleasure of Tifranic is all mine. From the first stroke of the pencil on my designing board, to the painting of the final railing, Tifranic has been the best experience of my life.
Cadwallader: It truly is the greatest miracle of man! She can't be sunk!
Timothy: Now, don't say that, or else we'll hit an iceberg and sink and die, and that'll kill the chances for a sequel!
Roger John: Good point.
Cadwallader: Roger John, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. This is your last voyage, so I was hoping that you'd disregard years of experience and training, and put the ship to full power, in order to arrive in New York a mere 3 hours earlier.
Roger John: But sir, that's foolish!
Cadwallader: So what? DO IT!
Timothy: Oh well, so much for my fictitious life! I'd better go stand in the lounge adjusting the clocks until I'm killed. Goodbye, all.
Scene Nine
On the deck
Opal: Ahh, that was good. Let's do it again!
Brock: No, let's walk around on deck for awhile. I'm sure something relevant to the plot is bound to occur.
(The boat hits an iceberg.)
Brock: See? Ok, now we can go.
Scene Ten
The captain's office
Roger John: See, we've hit an iceberg! Good going!
Cadwallader: Someone get Timothy the architect!
Timothy: Just as I've feared! The boat shall sink, and you shall get your headlines!
Cadwallader: The boat can't sink!
Timothy: He's made of cellulite, sir, and as improbable as it sounds, I assure you he can!
Cadwallader: To the life boats!
Timothy: There aren't enough, you butt! You had me remove them. You said they looked bad. You said, our ship won't sink! You said Tifranic was the greatest miracle of man ever made! You said all that crap and now we're going to die! There. I'm going back to my clock and fireplace now.
Cadwallader: To the lifeboats! Sound the alarm!
Scene Eleven
On the deck
Opal: Brock, let's run away together. We can get on a boat and leave this life behind!
Brock: What was that about my behind? It's perfect, isn't it?
Opal: Oh, yes. Now use your love stare to get us on one of those life boats!
Brock: Excuse me, sir, can we get in that lifeboat?
Guy putting people on boats: Hell no!
Brock: (Fixes him with love-stare) Please?
Guy: Hells yeah!
Opal: Wait, let's get off, run to the bottom of the ship, swim back up, then wait until the boat sinks and swim around in the water!
Brock: Uhh, OK.
Millicent: Opal, there you are! Let's go get on a boat.
Opal: Ack! My mother! Run!
Abner: Come back here, you scoundrel!
Brock: Uhh... Let's go!
(Opal and Brock run to the lower levels of the ship, swim back up, and wait until the ship sinks.)
Opal: Grab onto parts of the Tifranic! They're made of cellulite, so they'll float.
Brock: Ok. So, uhh, anyways.
Opal: Gee, we really don't have too much to talk about. Too bad I find this out now, since we're stuck together in this freezing water, waiting for a life boat. I should have stuck with my rich but slimy fiancee. Then I'd be safe and warm. I could have married him, then divorced him for the money. No prenups in 1914, you know!
Brock: Hey, look, it's my friend Joe!
Joe: Hey, Brock! Great to see you! Oh, my, it's that lovely girl!
Opal: Hi, I'm Opal.
Joe: Hi, I'm Joe.
Opal: Say, what do you think about leaving this Brock dork to freeze, and going off on our own?
Joe: But Brock's my friend!
Opal: Listen, Joe, he's not your friend. He slept with me!
Joe: Brock, you, you, you... Nematode!
Opal: Let's go, Joe!
Joe: Hey, maybe if we swim for it, we'll find a deserted island, and we'll live there, with a skipper, a millionaire, his wife, a movie star, a professor and a chick named Maryanne!
Opal: Well, as good as it sounds, here comes a boat!
Joe: We're saved... from high prices!
Opal: Huh?
Joe: Never mind.
Opal: Hey, are those Old navy Cargo Shorts you're wearing?
Joe: Why, yes...
Scene Twelve
On the S.S. Safety
Joe: Oh, my darling, soon we'll be back in America, where we can start our own lives together!
Opal: Oh, Joe, you're everything I've ever wanted in a man! I can talk to you!
Joe: Did I mention that I'm also really rich, and good in bed?
Opal: Wow! Take me to the altar!
Joe: You know, it's really a shame that Tifranic sank. After all, he was a miracle of modern man! There was nothing else like him in the world.
Opal: Yes, that's true, but if it weren't for Tifranic sinking, we never would have met!
Joe: Yes, yes. I see what you mean. Here, let's make a toast. To Tifranic, the biggest, baddest, bestest boat that ever lived!
The End
(Cue Celine Dion song)
"Near, far, where Blue Speedos are, I believe that my Fran will go on...
(Why does the Fran go on?)
Once more, he'll break down my door, and he's here in my heart, and, my Fran will go on, and on!"