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WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
1. I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink
myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
2. "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
3. "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better
driving record than me."
4. "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
5. "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."
6. "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
7. "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely
nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.
8. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
9. "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
10. "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard
all my stories before, and is tired of them."
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
Men's English:
"Im hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle
you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about
this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I
am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I
am gay.
MAN'S RULES FOR WOMEN:
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blow job in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do!
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