MICROBES

By Lillie Kingston

See this? -->
Probably not. Let me magnify that for you.

THAT is a dust mite. They live everywhere. They build tiny societies in your pillows, feed on your dead skin cells, and crawl all over your entire body while you sleep. There are millions of them, BILLIONS of them in your home.

See THIS?

It's a nematode. Millions of them live in your window frames and feed on the moisture that forms there.

See this?

I forget what this one is called. But they live in your saliva. It feeds on food in your mouth. YOUR food, in YOUR mouth!

Trillions and trillions of tiny, microscopic creatures, living off of your hard earned skin flakes, window frames, and mouths. MICROBES, crawling all over your BODY, all the time. It sickens me. Absolutely sickens me.

Where do these MICROBES come from? Animals, and houseplants, and dirt, and contact with the outside world. When I grow up, I'm going to sterilize my entire body with a two-day shower in hydrogen peroxide. I'm going to go through a full body electrolysis process to remove every one of my hairs PERMANENTLY. ESPECIALLY my eyelashes. I'm going to live in a white, hygienically sealed pod, divided into three demipods. All three demipods will be connected by three antibacterial air locks, and each pod will be kept at a brisk 52.3° F to prevent any microbes from developing. I will live in each demipod for two hours at a time. After the two hours are over, I will switch to the next demipod while robots scour and cleanse the previous demipod for four hours.

My food will be prepared for me by rocket scientists living in a space station orbiting the moon. I will eat nothing that is meat or vegetable related, or anything that was ever remotely alive. All of my meals will be synthetic sugar and protein polymer combinations, enriched and fortified with vitamins and nutrients, served in the form a thick, bitter paste. I will consume this, of course, by pumping it into my veins through an IV. The human digestive system is a home to billions of germs, bacteria, and microscopic organisms, so I will have my esophagus, stomach, and intestines all surgically removed.

I will sleep standing up, so as to make as little contact with the floor and walls as possible. Mattresses, pillows, blankets, and clothing all house millions of dust mites, so I will not have any of these things. I will only sleep for five minutes at a time, every fifteen minutes, so no microbes will have a chance to form in my saliva.

All in all, I think I will lead a truly healthy, natural life.