In the wake of the Spice Girls comes the All Saints, a remarkably similar band, with the added advantage of being able to sing. In fact, between this, and the fact that their second song, Never Ever, was actually quite good (and helped to gloss over any memories of their first, so-average-it-hurts single), it became easy to assume that they wouldn't be making an appearance in TIGU. From this you should learn one thing - assume nothing of TIGU, for 'tis a mysterious beast.

The single main event that tipped the scales in favour of the saints appearing here was there absolutely abysmal "attempt" at covering the Red Hot Chili Peppers' song "Under The Bridge". To put it simply, the Chili Peppers' version was good, the All Saints' version was not. Why would they choose to release a cover that was worse than the original song? Because they are crap, that's why.

So, in keeping with the sinister theme which will make itself apparent, I present to you All Saints - In alphabetical order. Note that in keeping with the Spice Girls, each Saint has a nick-name, to enable quick identification. Except for Natalie, for whome they couldn't think of anything good.

Melanie R. Blatt
Nickname: Blat Fink

According to the gushing fan site that I read to gain ammunition for my "article", Melanie's parents took her, at the age of six, to the Glastonbury festival for three days. This, it states, is what gave Melanie "music in her blood". I, on the other hand, state it as being what gave her the kind of dysfunctional, attention seeking, personality that someone requires if they intend being in a Spice-Girls-esque group. Melanie also still lives with her parents (at the age of 23), and is totally dependant on them, which should also come as no surprise. It's kind of like Baby Spice wanting her Mum at all of their concerts. Almost exactly like it, in fact.

Natalie Jane Appleton
Nickname: Naaatalie

Very little interesting stuff can be said of Natalie - she seems to be the boring one of the group. Oh, except for dumping her five-year-old daughter on her parents when she decided that she wanted to trot around the globe as a pop star. The only other notable "fact" that I could find is that she used to dress in lads' clothing as a kid (unbalanced? Pop stars? Never) but still used to have a reputation as a man eater. In fact, she's quoted as saying "I once went out with this guy for just one day. He was so cut up he didn't go out with anyone for year after that." It's more likely, though, that rather than being cut up, he was partaking in a one year long party, to celebrate his lucky escape from someone who so quickly shirks the responsibility of having a child.

Nicole Marie Appleton
Nickname: Fonzie or Tequila Queen

Nicole tells the story of the All Saints' name thus: "We're called All Saints 'cause Mel and Shaznay met while doing session work at a recording studio on All Saints road in London", to which I can only add that it's lucky there isn't a studio on Whip-Ma-Whop-Ma Gate in York, England (and yes, there is such a street). Obviously all the money, fame, and wealth will dry up eventually (probably with the band's looks), but when it does, and they all start seeking other jobs, employers beware not to give any work to Nicole, as she's too crap to even hold down an ice-cream vendor's job. I kid you not.

Shaznay Tricia Lewis
Nickname: Bart or BananaMan

Shazney (a self confessed New Kids On The Block fan - it gets worse) writes most of the band's songs, including the previously mentioned, and quite acceptable, Never Ever. Despite this her mother's favourite song on the album is (must .. put .. down .. knife) Under The Bridge. It was obviously her mother's keen musical tastes that inspired her other insipid songs (nice wording, I know). Oh yeah, and she also lost her knickers in a taxi. Ahem.

"But," you may well be asking yourself at this point, "I still admire the All Saints, and wish to emulate them. How do I go about such a feat?" And, luckily, I can offer advice to follow, should you ever encounter this particular situation.

Firstly you will require some combat pants. It sounds like a bizarre suggestion at first, until you realise that, largely, it's all the All Saints wear. This, apparently, is because they "all hate being uncomfortable and cold." A sensible suggestion, and one which will surely keep their mothers happy (while they're looking after assorted children), until it dawns on you that, along with combats, they wear vest tops or T-shirts, neither of which could be considered warming. They wear combats, then, to appeal to the skateboard / hip-hop crew, who are (if we're going to be perfectly honest) merely going to laugh in their faces, scratch their CDs, and go back to listening to Dog Eat Dog, or whoever.

Fig. 1 - Combat Pants: Warm even with a vest, apparently.

The most important factor to being an All Saint is the mastery of the lyrics. I've decided to cut back on this section, because deep down, in my heart-of-hearts, I can't help but feel guilty for setting upon the All Saints in the manner that I have done. Don't worry, I'm sure it's just a temporary thing that'll pass. Anyway, back to the lyrics, of which I have three prime specimens, with small foot-notes. Remember, practise in front of a mirror, and someday maybe you could leave your kid with your parents while you jet-set, or fatally maul a good Chili Peppers song.

Lyric 1 - Let's Get Started
Guys grab a girl,
And take it from the back.
Give it up give it up,
Cuz we like it like that.
Tony Says: Basically it's pure smut, isn't it? And you say that they sell this stuff to kids?

Lyric 2 - Never Ever
I'm not crazy, I'm sure I ain't done nothin' wrong.
Tony Says: Police note - Shaznay is of sound mind, and denies everything.

Lyric 3 - Bootie Call
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on now
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on
Bring it on, bring it bring it on now
Tony Says: Rumours that the Saints had writer's block while writing the album are, at this time, unfounded.

Fig. 2 - In years to come pop bands will be made to stand trial for offenses to humanity. In such an event this picture will be used as evidence.

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98