Yes, yes, I know that the general media has already started a backlash against this kind of repulsive programming, but these are the same people who were baying for more, and marvelling at how difficult and emotionally straining it really was to train to become a vet. Let's face it, they're pulling them down because of tall poppy syndrome (hype it up, rip it down), not because they actually hate them.

Which is where I differ from the general media.

I, personally, couldn't give less of a shit about the lives of people who I don't know. I have enough emotional hassles dealing with my friends and relatives, let alone having to shell out more sympathy for some stupid bitch who's decided, 4 years down the line, that she hates her chosen profession. She should have thought it out more then, shouldn't she?

But more annoying than all of the other fools on these programmes are those that attempt to use their "everyday" career to springboard them into stardom. Like that stupid bitch who couldn't drive for shit and covered Madness' fine "I Like Driving In My Car". Or that bird who used to perform half-arsed cover versions of lounge classics on a cruise liner, and now thinks she's a major singer / actor / presenter. Or that blonde bint from the vets thing who's currently on almost every animal based programme on telly.

Anyway, in an attempt to kill the idea off for good, I've decided to persuade the BBC to create the following shows, which will show them up as the bandwagon-jumping bastards they really are.

Hearsing Around - A ten week run of programmes following the trials and troubles of the staff of "Johnson & Johnson Undertakers" in Cornwall. In week three somebody dies, and John Johnson has to drive them to the funeral. Other highlights include an eccentric old woman who wants her cat buried with her, a corse who looks uncannily like a young Wendy Richards, and a hilarious make up mix up! With a voice-over by Vanilla Ice.

Fig. 1 - "Check out the stiff, while my DJ revolves it."

Other Friends - A series of 45 minute programmes charting the teenage years of a bunch of friends. Will Jesse's obsession with "self love" get him sacked from the butchers? Will Mark submit to peer pressure and buy four litres of cider on Friday night, because he's the tallest? How will Samantha's questionable sexuality affect her friendship with Sindy, her "special" aunt? Which one will end up with the most spots, and working at McDonalds? Rolph Harris keeps us informed.

Beastly Boys - Documentary charting the love lives of a bunch of slobbish lads. Jake's trying to get a girlfriend, but never goes out. Mark thinks he fancies his mum's mate. They all talk about football constantly, and eat kebabs. The series reaches an emotional highpoint in week five when Tim goes down the chippy, and the serving lass batters his sausage - did it mean anything to her, or was she just desperate? Has Charlie Dimmock on voice-over duties.

Fig. 2 - "This week we see if Henry's ex-girlfriend is willing to forgive and forget, and discover that she's had a restraining order put on him. Then I advise Jake on his water feature."

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 31/1/00