The main problem with golf is that it's so damn boring. Each game takes an age to finish, and even when it is being played (the action consisting of blokes using a stick to hit a tiny ball) it's difficult to see what's going on, because the balls are too small.

Golfers also insist on using some bizarre terminology in their sport, a brief run-down of which is as follows:

• ALBATROSS - The start of a really weird association between golfers and birds. A hole finished in three under par is somehow supposed to be represented by this elegant swooping bird.
• EAGLE - Even though the extremely powerful (for a bird) Eagle could easily have any albatross in a straight one-to-one fight, golfers have decided that it's somehow less prestigeous. Strange, that.
• BIRDIE - Showing a total lack of ornithological knowledge, golfers gave up with using actual birds' names, and decided to use this catch-all expression instead. If only they'd bought a copy of the Usborne Book of Birds, how different the game of golf might have become.
• BOGEY - It'd be too easy to make a cheap joke at this point, it really would.
• DOUBLE BOGEY - Either finishing the hole two over par, or a really big excretion from your nose. See, the joke was far better when I saved it up a bit.
• FORE - Can someone please explain this to me? Why golfers shout this when they hit the ball is a mystery that my mind just cannot solve. Why not shout "heads" like everybody else?
• GREEN - Look at a golf course. Look again. How much of it is green? Most of it, I'll wager, yet only a bit of it is called "Green". Golfers eh?, just what are they good for?

Fig. 1 - Jack impressed the crowd with his ability to slide the club through his ears.

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98