HOW TO INSULT PEOPLE

INTRODUCTION

Insulting people is a deceptively simple act. Just as an artist (or Rolf Harris) can make drawing magnificent pictures (or bad cartoons) look easy, a true master at of the insult can make being unpleasant seem like a piece of cake. But the act of insulting people is far from simple, and that is where this simple guide will come in handy. If you read this page from top to bottom, and take note of everything it says, by the end you should be an accomplished insulter, and more than able to handle yourself in a protracted bout of insult-throwing.

STEP 1: THE BEGINNER

The main problem with beginners at this most difficult art is that they try to over-stretch themselves, and are then inevitably beaten back by a pro. They then give up, feeling bitter and lacking the confidence to try again.

To start off with, why not try some of these simple phrases? Practice in front of a mirror at first, so no-one can see if you make a mistake.

Good Phrases for beginners:

These are all known as "direct insults", as they insult the person you are refering to directly. The next stage for a beginner is to learn the more complex "indirect insults", which insult a person by making fun of their clothes, hair, taste in music, or mother.

Good Indirect Insults for beginners:

  • Your clothes smell.
  • Your mother is fat.
  • Your family has no friends.
  • Your hair (or taste in music) is crap.

Fig. 1 - Your mother. Who is fat.

Now go outside and find a suitable target to try out your new-found insulting skills on.

STEP 2: THE INTERMEDIATE

Now that you have become proficient at using the "indirect" insult it is time for the next step. This involves combining two or more different insults together, into one, larger, insult which is scientifically proven to have more effect upon your target.

Fig. 2 - The formula for insult combination.

So, now you know the theory behind the "combo" (as it's more commonly known), how about learning some? Notice the "and" in the middle of each of these - this is what characterises the "combo".

  • You smell and your clothes are crap.
  • Your mother is fat, and smells.
  • Your hair is crap and you have no friends.
  • Your face is ugly and so is your mother.

Fig. 3 - Your mother. Who is ugly.

As you can so, the "combo" isn't quite as difficult as you may have first imagined, although it still takes alot of practice before you should attempt to use them in public.

The second step of the intermediate course is learning to insult people with a "reason". This is the act of insulting someone, and then explaining the first insult with another. This is quite tricky, but try some of these and before you know it you'll be a fully-fledged intermediate insulter. Like the "combo" these have a tell-tale sign, and that is the "because" which is in the middle of each sentence.

  • Your clothes are crap because your family smells.
  • Your taste in music is rubbish because you are crap.
  • You have no friends because your mother is fat.
  • Your hair is rubbish because your face is ugly.

STEP 3: THE PROFESSIONAL

You are now ready to start learning the ways of the most insulting of the insulters, the Professional. It is not an easy position to attain, and you must be prepared to spend many nights of sweat learning new and more impressive insults. The main difficulty with being a pro is that there are no set catagories of insult to use (this is the easiest way to spot a pro - if they use insults you've never heard of before).

Sample professional insults are as follows:

  • Hey butt-head, your mother is a fat cow.
  • You eat rancid dog-dicks, fat boy.
  • Who ate all the pies? (Should only be used on fat people)
  • Oy, wanker! (Appears to be a beginner's insult, but is far more impressive and masterful than it seems)

So, practice lots, and start making up your own insults based on those shown above, and in no time at all you too will be a professional insulter.

CHOOSING A TARGET

No matter what level you are choosing your insultee is very important, and can mean the difference between a successful and unsuccessful insult. Unfortunately there are no hard-and-fast rules about who you should pick, as it is as much of an art as the insult itself. However, consider the following situations, and then select which person you would insult, either A or B. The answers are given under each question.

A: You smell.
B: Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

Choose "A" as your target, as she is obviously a mere dabbler, having only mastered the "direct" insult. "B" is using a more unpleasant "indirect" insult.

A: Hey Buttweasel - Your hair's a mess, you greasy fool.
B: You're a pleb and your house smells funny.

Here "B" is the obvious target, as she has used a rather basic "combo" (did you notice the tell-tale "and" in the middle?). "A" has used a rather advanced and entirely customised pro insult, and as such should be avoided at all costs.

A: No-one likes you, ugly, because your family is smelly.
B: No-one likes you, smelly, because your family is smelly.

A very close one, this, but "B" is the target. Both women have used similar combo/reason hybrids, but you should notice that "B" has used the "smelly" insult twice in one sentence, and repetition of insults should always be avoided.

TIGU Maintained by Tony Gowland
Last updated: 11/5/98