A phrase many, if not all of you, will have heard, I'm sure, and one which strikes an unequaled amount of fear into the hearts of the lonely. Imagine the scene ....

Scene: Two people bump into each other in a nightclub.

Person 1: Oh Hi there! (Thinks) Oh wow, I've fancied her for AGES!

Person 2: Oh, Hi. (Thinks) Oh no, I know he fancies me, but I just don't feel the same way about him. Never mind, best be polite.

Person 1: (Thinks) Oh wow! She's actually TALKING to me!

Person 2: So, how are things?

The two talk for some time. The conversation leads onto partners ...

Person 2: So, have you got a girlfriend yet then?

Person 1: (Mis-interpreting wildly) Er, no. (Thinks) Oh my GOD! This is my lucky night. Good thing I remembered to change my underpants.

Person 2: No, neither have I. A boyfriend, I mean.

The two share an uncomfortable laugh.

Person 1: (Psyching himself up) Okay, she seems interested, we get on well, we're both available, and I've had a skinful of beer. Signs are good ..

Person 2: (Running out of conversation) Umm ...

Person 1: (Goes for the big one) So, fancy going out sometime?

Person 2: (Recoils in horror, barely manages to cover up disgust) Well, although you're a great bloke and all ...

We rejoin the conversation ten minutes later...

Person 2: So, to summarize: You're a great bloke, but I'd prefer it if we'd just be good friends. (Thinks)Phew! I think I got away with that one!

Person 1: Arse. (Kills himself in shame)

Fig. 1 - "Sorry Adolf, but I don't want to risk our friendship by going out with you." "That's okay, I understand. I'll just conquer your country instead."

Admittedly it's not always like this. Sometimes, in fact, it can be wildly different, but usually the dreaded phrase means one of two things, depending on who has said it:

MAN:
Says:"I'd just like to be good friends."
Means:"You're not bad, but I've had better. Maybe we could get together for an evening of hot rumpy sometime. Probably if you meet me drunk in a nightclub."

WOMAN:
Says:"I'd just like to be good friends."
Means:"Listen, forget all of that 'ruining our friendship' crap I just spouted, what I really mean is that I wouldn't touch you with a barge-pole, and now that you've insulted me by presuming that I'd fancy you you've already obliterated any chance of our friendship continuing. Expect never to hear from me again. Loser."

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98