Okay, let's just get one thing straight from the start - By mass e-mail I do NOT mean people who send the same mail to a group of their friends, as this is a useful and often timesaving idea. What I'm talking about is the sort of rubbish that I frequently get sent by people who don't know me, and are trying to sell me stuff (usually, and somewhat ironically, the "product" is a form of mass-mailing itself, such as a CD full of addresses, or a mailing service).
Take, for example, this choice mail that I was sent from
solution@firstgear.com
(feel free to send them any of your own rubbish, I've even made their address a link, so that this is easier).
Dear Friend:
It begins by optimistically hoping that I haven't realised that I'm being mailed by a
complete stranger, with no interest in my own personal well-being.
Do you know who Tony Little is? "Tony Little is the world's #1 leading
Health and Fitness Guru. He is the guy with the long pony tail, that
you've seen on National TV selling exercise video's and equipment at a
rate of $53,000 per minute, and who has sold over $250 million worth of
products this past year alone.
I was a little disturbed by this bit, as I am also called Tony, and have a pony-tail.
Could it be that this mail actually was written specifically for me? The mis-used apostrophy
after the word video convinced me otherwise.
Are you aware that Tony Little has joined Longevity Network Ltd., a
company that has developed "Revolutionary" Personal Care, Health,
Dietary, and Fitness Products, and will soon be Marketing their PRODUCTS
and BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY on National TV?
I was not aware of this, but soon realised that this barrage of information was intended
to cover up the bizarre use of capital letters for words like "health" and "dietary". I was soon
to discover that the mail had a particular soft-spot for capital letters, and was just letting
me in gently.
Q: "You mean an MLM Company is MARKETING ON NATIONAL TV?"
A: That's right, a FIRST! Though, not just any MLM Company, a "State of
the Art," "ETHICAL," and "HONEST," company, one who's winning awards on
their PATENTED COMPENSATION PLAN!
See what I meant about the capitals? I also wondered about the use of the term "ethical"
to describe a company which has found my e-mail address somewhere, and used it to send me
tacky unsolicited advertising.
What does this mean for currently enrolled distributor's? Well, this
means that we will earn commissions directly off of the people that Tony
personally brings into the business.
Tony personally? Once more, I have my doubts. The mail then goes on to encourage me to
enrole my friends and family in the scheme, as I will gain money for doing so. I wonder if they
would stay my friends afterwards .... probably not. After that it mentions some large figures
in an attempt to inpress me. It fails.
A: Honestly, No Catches, No "Oh by the Ways," and 100% Absolutely
Correct!
There's that damn "honest" word again.
We wouldn't waste YOUR TIME (OR OUR'S) if we didn't TRULY
BELIEVE, that "THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!"
Wasting my time would appear to be the most correct thing that this mail has said, except
for the fact that it has allowed me to publically ridicule their company across the internet,
an opportunity which I'd love to thank them for.
Thank you for your time, and GOD BLESS you and your family!
But in the end it all turns out to be okay. The barrage of statistics, the mis-used
capital letters and apostrophies, the poor grammar and taste of it all - it's all okay, because
they've sent me a blessing from God. Somewhat ironically I believe that if God was protecting
me in any way, he'd find some way of stopping me from being presented with this kind of tack.
Helping to build "Health," "Wealth," and "Happiness" for everyone!
And I'm still not sure why they've bothered with those quotes.
I could, of course, have used any one of at least fifty junk e-mail messages that I've received in the last month, but this one was just the most recent. The solution to such things? Short of not giving people your e-mail address I don't think there is one.
What a pisser.
 |
Fig. 1 - Amount of e-mail an average user will receive in their life.
Shows useful messsages. Shows jokes in bad taste, adverts, and forwarded tat they've already seen five times. |
24 / 12 / 99 - I've just received the following as a masterful deterrant for chain e-mail. If any of your "friends" decide to bombard you with such tat, merely copy and paste it into a mail to them. They'll get the message.
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them on, when that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough
money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the
travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?
oooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!
What a bunch of bullshit.
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain
mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the
chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this
country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year
2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest
continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if
you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will
be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile
of manure. It's true!
Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your
life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you
for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no
parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated
to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way
of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder
if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die
instantly.
Thanks again!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably
not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how
it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something
horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack
in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a
flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did
she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and
went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
eternity.
This Could Happen To You, Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send
this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
-------------------------------------------------------
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one
of your friends.
"Friends"
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit,
and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a
hat full of arseholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry
about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets
the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...-no, sorry,
it's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants
his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless
or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27
years,whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you
forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know; otherwise, you'll find all
your knickers missing tomorrow morning.
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Maintained by Tony Gowland
Last updated: 24/12/99 |
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