"Old people eh, just what are they good for?" Is a question that you will, no doubt, have heard me mutter on several occasions, usually when walking around some city centre or other. For those of you that haven't, just bear with me, and imagine it, okay?

Come on, I can't be the only person here who has been happily walking between shops only to get ambushed by an Old Person Surprise Attack, during which they walk slowly in front of you, often five abreast, and refuse to allow you to walk around them in an entirely civilised manner. The only form of counter-attack available to you is to take a step back, brace yourself, and barge through their ranks in one concentrated effort, making you look, to all of the rest of the world, like an utter barbarian, with no respect for the senior members of our society.

Another main point with old people is young people's driving. "They have no concern for anyone's safety," you'll hear them intone, "they'll get someone killed." It is clear to anyone that has ever watched an old person drive, however, that it is them that is the problem. Mavis and Dorris sit in the front of the car, discussing each other's ailments, and totally oblivious to the world around them, only stopping their incessant chatter to peer over the steering wheel at the traffic lights, which "were always bigger and brighter in our day." Truely they are the devil-drivers of the modern age.

Fig. 1 - "What shall we do today Mable? Shall we wander slowly through a crowded market place, or embarrass our grandchildren by talking to them about sex?" "I fancy a lovely slow drive down a narrow country lane, Bert."

1. Explain your computer set-up to them. Include as many acronyms as possible (CD-ROM, RAM, DVD, 3Dfx etc.). The more detail the better, because they'll get even more confused. This can also be tried with your stereo, video recorder, and television.
2. Offer them a biscuit, but then taunt them by keeping it just out of their reach. You should be able to keep in front of them easily. If you can't then you don't deserve the pleasure of watching them get out of breath.
3. Talk to them about your school / college / university. They will then begin to moan about how "it's all easier nowadays". Quote as many formulas, theories, and hypotheses to them as you can remember. They will become annoyed that you do, in fact, know more than them.
4. Offer them ten pounds if they can set their video recorder to auotmatically tape a programme every day for a week. This will have one of two outcomes - they will fail, and be disheartened, or they will succeed, but be disappointed by how little ten pounds is worth "nowadays".
5. Wait until they're asleep in their comfy armchair, and slip a pair of headphones on them. Connect these 'phones to a loud stereo, and then use the stereo to play "Firestarter" by The Prodigy. Stand back and marvel at the ensuing commotion, as their old and misco-ordinated limbs try to desperately wrench off the headphones, while Keith Flint screams wildly into their inner ear.

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98