When politicians are talking about the evils of the world, and vowing to ban hand guns, alcopops, cigarette advertising, and numerous other things they often overlook one particularly vicious and addictive drug - soap operas.

What's that? You don't believe me that they're a drug? View the evidence, my friend, for it is literally underwhelming:

• People either love them or hate them. There is no middle ground. The people who like them (are "addicted") watch them whenever they can, and talk about them at all other times.

  Fig. 1 - A soap fan's day. Time spent watching soaps. Time spent talking about soaps with friend(s).

• They alter you brain, and start to talk about the characters as if they were real people. This is evidence of two things: their mind altering ability; and that they make you feel popular because you watch them. (Suddenly the whole of Australia is your friend.)
• Once you start watching one it becomes difficult to stop, for you are drawn to the character's and their lives. You are, therefore, addicted. You cannot help but be fascinated by Jimmy's terminal disease, and you wonder who will find out that Tarquin is having an affair with Lucy.
• If you do manage to stop (go "cold turkey") you will usually only have to watch one episode before you are hooked once more. This confirms the addiction theory.
• If you do not have a television you will become willing to mug old ladies in the street in order to gain the money to buy one, just so that you can satisfy your addiction, and find out what's happening in Summer Bay.
• Umm .. A soap script can have a street value of anywhere up to 20,000. Possibly.
• Okay, that's enough of the evidence.

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98