It had to happen really, didn't it? After Take That and their kind it was only a matter of time before the think-tanks of the music industry were called upon once more, and someone came up with the idea of doing Take That, but for lads. I can imagine it now .....

The scene: A large room, with a big circular table in the middle. Several executives in suits are sat at the table in heated discussion.

Executive 1: Look, I've told you, we need something else to flog to the gullible teenagers.
Executive 2: "Loyal customers", surely?
Executive 1: Sorry, yes, loyal customers. The fact remains that our profits are down ..
Executive 3: (Interrupting) I know - I might not be able to afford that summer house on the continent I was after.
Executive 2: Ah yes, I was meaning to talk to you about that - I was wondering if me and the mistress could use one of your other four next month.
Executive 1: Can we get back to the point here? We still haven't found a solution.
Executive 4: Well, that Take That thing we did the other year was quite a money spinner, wasn't it? How about repeating that?
Executive 3: Nah, it's been done too many times now. Everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. The market's flooded.
Executive 2: (Suddenly excited) Hang on, I've got it!
Executives 1,3, and 4: What? Tell us!
Executive 2: (Getting very worked up) Okay, the problem is the audience. All these boy bands are targetted at young girls, who are so filled up with hormones that they're coming out of their ears.
Executive 3: Yeah, so?
Executive 2: Well what's the only other group of people that are so hormonally charged that they'd buy anything with our group's pictures on?
Executive 1: Ummmmm.....
Executive 3: Errr.....
Executive 4: I know! MEN!
Executive 2: Exactly! We'll start a boy band, but with a twist - they'll all be girls. Bloke's are starved of such entertainment. The only other girl band around is Eternal, and even they're no competition now that the sexy one's left.
Executive 3: Yeah, that'd be great; but I have another idea - We'll make our girl band pretend to be really hard and independent, and then young girls will look up to them as role-models, and they'll buy their stuff as well!
Executive 1: So, to summarise: Our target audience is ..... THE WHOLE WORLD! Excellent!

Fade out to sounds of great rejoicing and merriment in the background.

Fig. 1 - "Thank you for coming to our press conference. We have decided to call our new "girl" group the Spice Girls, and each will have a stage name which sums up their whole personality in one adjective." "And then my associates and I will become fabulously wealthy." "Hurrah for us!"

And now, for your own education, I present the Spice Girls - in alphabetical order.

Emma
Aka:"Baby Spice", "Blonde Spice", "Paedophile's Spice"

Her role in the group is to look nice, and to sing reasonably well. Although she started out being known as Baby Spice she has recently been trying to play down this aspect of her personality, presumably due to the number of perverted fan letters she has received. Seems to be avoiding all connections with any kind of scandal, but no doubt that'll change as soon as the next single comes out and publicity is required.

Geri
Aka:"Ginger Spice", "Party Spice", "Gets Her Tits Out Spice"

Her duty when performing appears to be to forget all about that dull singing lark, and instead prance around while "accidentally" letting her tits fall out on national TV. Again. She's the one who seems to get involved in all of the sexual scandals, which usually include root vegetables, fruit, assorted farmyard animals, and prominent members of society. Oh yes, and she gets her tits out all the time, or did I mention that already?

Mel B
Aka:"Scarey Spice", "Token Black Spice", "Wears Glasses To Try And Look Intellegent Spice"

Her roles are to dance about, pretend to be hard, and have big hair. No, sorry, make that BIG hair. Allegedly her nick-name at school was "Pineapple head" and to be quite honest it's not too hard to tell why. Oh yeah, and she had erect nipples on the Wannabe video which apparently helped the song get to number one. Is it true that men bought the song so that the video would be on TV more often, and thus they could see this particular scene? I hope not, but I have a sneaking suspicion ...

Mel C
Aka:"Sporty Spice", "Ugly Spice", "Adidas Marketing Dream Spice"

Okay, hands up all of you who think that Mel C is the most attractive Spice Girl ..... No, come on ..... Surely someone out there must like her ..... Ah well, apparently not. Mel C's tasks when performing are to sing badly and high kick alot, which says a great deal about her employers' assessment of her talent. She hasn't (to my knowledge) been involved in any form of scandal, but even if she was the chances are that no-one would care.

Victoria
Aka:"Posh Spice", "Alarmingly Expensively Clothed Spice", "Doesn't Smile Spice"

Victoria's role in the group is to be able to sing and look good while performing, but look like a monkey during photo-shoots. She waited until she became famous before she dumped her boyfriend, thus raising the hopes of about five people, and then started to go out with a footballer. Rumours that this is because they are of similar mental capacity are unfounded at the time of writing. Apparently her nick-name at school was Sticky Vicky, and I don't think that it's my place to speculate wildly about why this was.

Okay, so now you know who they are, but what about those poor unfortunate souls who didn't make it through the intensive process of interviewing. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you The Spice Girls: The B Team.

Drunk Spice
This Scottish girl would spend all of her time hanging around in busy shopping centres harrassing passers-by for loose change and fags. She'd slur everything she said while singing in a thick accent, and during performances would stagger about the stage while clutching a bottle of whisky in a brown paper bag.

Dead Spice
Intended to carry on the theme of having every sexual preference present, Dead Spice's job was to lie perfectly still and not sing. Almost made it through the auditions, but failed because she didn't turn up to one which was particularly important (due to being forgotten about, and left in the back of a taxi somewhere just outside London).

Bitmap Spice
Intended to cater for the tech-head tastes of some, Bitmap Spice was to be electronically projected onto a large screen behind the other girls during every concert. She featured CD quality sound, over 40,000 polygons, and full texture mapping, but this was her downfall, as she could only run from a Cray 2, which the management could not affort (after having paid for Victoria's wardrobe).

Boy Spice
The idea behind Boy Spice was that he would increase the appeal of the band to female fans and homosexuals. He was dropped shortly after it was noticed that having a group called the Spice Girls with a lad in it was just plain silly.

Big Fat Mamma Spice
Proved to be surprisingly popular with the test audiences, until she got a bit carried away and started to dance. After two days rescue teams had finished scouring the rubble, and no fatalities were recorded.

Fig. 2 - Dead Spice: If found please return to Mr J. Smith, 34 Maple Grove, Camden Town, London.

9/10/97 - STOP PRESS! In a recent interview with Channel 5's own Exclusive show Sporty Spice responds to questioning about the new album ("Spice World" or something) by saying "It's flippin' pants mate." Obviously she has seen the light, and will probably leave the group, just like Louise did with Eternal. (Rather than, for example, just topping up her knowledge of slang, and realising that pants is not, in fact, a Good Thing.)

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 16/6/98