Students are, pretty much, all wankers. There, I've said it. They wind me up in so many different ways that I'm going to have difficulty in remembering them all so that I can put them here. But the worst thing about students is that, shockingly, I am one. Or maybe was one. Depending on when you read this. Allow me to provide some background.... (imagine a funny "fade out" style wibbling effect, if you want)

In the UK you go to school until you're roughly 16. You then make a choice - start working (or become a bum if you'd prefer), or go to college for two years. Most people go to college, because it's a fairly easy way out, since you get to stay in education for another two years, and most of your friends are doing it. It's kinda like staying at school, but you get more say in how you're treated. Anyway, once those two years are up, you can either get a job (or become a bum, etc.) or go to university. Now, for a very long time you could only get into university if you were clever and got good marks at college. After all, universities were for the intellectual elite of the country, so they didn't want just anyone going there. But, and this is the important thing, the universities get money off the government according to how many students they have. Being the bright people that they are, the heads of unis realised that by lowering their standards somewhat (by that read "completely, and in every way") they would get more money for their establishment. This in turn meant that everybody's friends were going to uni. It became like school again, but with even more freedom of choice. And no parents.

Fade back in. Here I am, writing this, at the end of a four year stint at university. I was at work last year, and that, combined with my return to uni, has opened my eyes to what a bunch of unbearable tossers fill our univerisities these days. I feel the need to share with you some of my discoveries.

MONEY
Everybody has, I'm sure, heard a student whining about how "the establishment's stinging us for more dough, man". They are clearly talking out of their arse, and this is my first point. Students believe that the world owes them. Their argument is usually something along the lines of "but we have to pay our own fees now, and then there's living costs too". Why are you at uni (apart from the obvious, "because it's what everybody expected you to do")? It is to learn. Once this knowledge has been shovelled into your head you will (hopefully) get a degree. This will look good to prospective employers. It may well get you a far better job than if you had not been to uni. You will, therefore, earn more cash in the long run. In short, the whole idea of university is that it's for your benefit. Why shouldn't you have to pay? I have a car for my own benefit, but I don't expect other people to pay for it. I eat for my own benefit, but I don't expect others to buy my food. If you can't afford to pay to go to uni then get a job. It was the other option, remember? The one that didn't involve following the flock....

Also, students frequently moan about not being able to pay for expensive things. Like CDs. Or trips to the cinema. Or nice clothes. Yet these same students will invariably be planted in the student bar (because it's cheaper than a normal pub) at least every other night. To any student still reading, here's a new phrase to learn "saving up". It's when you don't get pissed every night, and instead collect the money you would have spent, into a larger sum, which allows you to afford nice things and not whine about having no money.

NIGHTS OUT
While my mind is wandering around the area of going to the bar, here are some thoughts on student nights out. For some inexplicable reason, students don't seem to be able to enjoy themselves if they're just sat having a quiet chat with a mate over a pint. Must be to do with the blood-sugar levels or something. Instead they need loud music, flashing lights, and drinks offers (as if their drinks weren't cheap enough already). When you step into a student bar / club thing, you have entered a magical wonderland where wankers rule twats, from a throne of plastic drinks glasses. These twats and wankers can be broadly classified as follows:

• The cross-dressing guy. Inevitably there is some bloke in a flowery dress, sporting fake bosoms, which his mates will fondle. Both will think this the most original and hilarious thing in the world. Ever. Will probably be from a sports team. Such as rugby.
• The twat in the hat. Overly large comedy hats - an oxymoron. Discuss.
• The drunken slut. She's on the pull, and lads better look out. Usually wearing a thinly-strapped tight number, that allows her ample waist to squeeze through the gaps in a way that reminds you of how "The Blob" used to get into telephone boxes.
• The smarties. A bunch of lads wearing the same shirt, but in different colours. So called because it's what they look like a packet of.
• The artist. An arts student sat in the corner with half a stout, pretending to read a book, and with a furrowed brow. His artistic vibes "aren't flowing in this atmosphere, man". Well go and read your book in your room then, you fuckwit.
• The dancing diva. She knows the dance to quite literally every song ever (if she doesn't she'll make up some woefully unsuitable and allegedly "erotic" routine), and insists on dragging her boyfriend / mates onto the dance floor to show them. They're embarrassed to be there, and she doesn't realise that everybody's laughing at her.
• The sportsmen. So called because each time they enter a bar they feel the need to prove their manliness with a bout of drinking games. They also don't realise quite what a bunch of twats they look when they stand up in turn, and place their hands in an antler fashion on their heads, before chanting a list of words, grunting, and drinking "two fingers" of Fosters - less than the average fifteen year old drinks in a gulp every Friday night.

HUMOUR
Some how student sseem to have picked up this image of being wacky and original pranksters. This is not even close to being true. Students are pranksters alright, but to find their jokes "wacky" would require a lobotomy, and calling them "original" would be like saying that Hitler was "a top bloke". They repeat the same bunch of cliched, lame ideas over and over again, whether it's for a practical joke, bar theme night, advertising poster. Trainspotting, St Trinian's, swapping people's rooms around / turning things upside down, doctors and nurses, Austin Powers, and old children's television programmes, are all massively over-used. Showing conclusively how little imagination the average student has.

SEX
One of the biggest mysteries of student life to me is the whole "fresher's week" thing. To those not in the know, it's the first week of a new academic year, and the idea is that people go around sleeping with anybody they want, because "it's fresher's week, so it doesn't matter". What? But these people are going to the same uni as you, so you'll invariably bump into them again in the next three years. What makes more sense is to shag everybody you like in the last week you're at uni, since you'll probably never bump into them again.

There's also the whole "reputation" thing. Once you've earnt one, you'll never shake it off, and although your close mates may say to you "yeah, nice one, you've shagged ten lasses in a week" they will really be thinking the same as everybody else: "You cheap bastard, you'd shag anything with legs. Even that minging fat lass, over there." Your fate is sealed, and people will only try and chat you up because they know that you're an easy lay, and it won't take much effort.

It was also brought to my attention recently how horribly incestuous universities are. It is almost impossible to meet someone who you don't share a friend, or friend of a friend, with. The chances are, that every single student from your uni that you sleep with will end up having a conversation about your sexual technique with one or more of your friends. Especially if you're the afforementioned slapper, in which case you'll probably have people comparing your performance on different nights. Which can't be good. And just think of the social backlash of treating a sexual partner badly. You could lose half of your friends in one night.

Finally, it seems that it's almost a pre-requisite of student life to be unfaithful to any partner you have. Of all of my friends at my, and other, universities, who are in relationships, I can honestly say that only around ten of them are, to my knowledge, loyal to their other half. Ten. That's not many. There's no shame to be had in staying faithful, you know - and people won't think badly of you because of it.

Like I predicted, I've forgotten a great deal of the other things I hate about students. I know that there's more stuff about them complaining about housing being shit (but you pay practically no rent on it you moaning bastards), not doing any work, only going to uni because it's what the crowd are doing (resulting in people doing courses they hate), doing useless subjects (what kind of a job can you get with a history of architecture degree anyway?), and student politics (how does it really, actually, affect anybody?). I just can't be arsed to write about any of that stuff now.

Comically, I'm willing to bet that I never get any good, well-written, arguements on this rant. Most students are just too damn lazy and thick to write them.

Fig. 1 - You might have noticed that there aren't any pictures in this rant. That's because the only thing I could think of to really illustrate my feelings was a really big picture of a cunt. And I don't think Geocities would like that, to be honest. So here's a picture of someone who shares many of a typical student's less admirable qualities.

		Maintained by Tony Gowland Last updated: 26/3/00