After another year's MTV Europe award ceremony comes and goes it's time to settle back into the routine of slagging off the winners, runners-up, hosts, live acts, and audience, that went into making another travesty of an awards ceremony.
This year, however, there is salvation. This year I present the first annual (yeah, who am I trying to kid?) T.M.V.A, as shamelessly stolen from an idea my Naz Al-Rawi (I'd put in his e-mail address, but I know he doesn't want the chance to receive torrents of abuse about how I'm wrong over the X-Files).
Oooh, look, here come the first of the celebrities arriving at my awards ...
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"Hi, we're Aerosmith, and when we're not receiving un-deserved awards from the MTV watching public we enjoy attending the T.M.V.A. awards, where we're certain not to win, as we're clearly too crap." |
Anyway, without further ado, let's get into the awards ceremony.
The current catagories are:
The nominations:
And here we have a short scene from the film Godzilla:
To present this award we have Phil Norton. (He's not famous, or anything, but he's cheap. Like his mam.)
Phil: "I think the Fish and chips movie was by far the least predictable and had a far superior storyline. Althought the special effects and the acting left something to be desired the sheer pace of the film left me on the edge of my seat. My markings 8/10. All the rest 2/10."
And the winner is .......
The nominations:
And here's a few words from one of the nominees, Chris Evans:
Voting's still open on this on. E-mail me and have your say.
The nominations:
To present this award we have Phil Norton. (What do you mean "again"?)
Phil: "Well this really is a tough choice. How can you expect me to choose a turd from such a big pile of it. (It all looks the same to me) but I'll give it a go.
In reverse order.
Ash - These guys just don't have the talent for living. They pretend they've grown pubes but they just can't hack it. This is by far the worst song ever made. A drowned rat could better with a fucking huge meatball shoved down it's throat. I'm not going to stress myself out anymore so -4/10 (They should be dead and if they're not I'll bloody make sure of it).
Tampara - Bolloxs 1/10
Alanis Morisette - You ugly whore, hide those dog ugly tits and stop trying to sing 2/10
Run DMC - You think you're hard you wait until I come round with a fucking stick of dynamite. 3/10
Touch n Go - Well it got a kiss at the weekend. 6/10
Naz - Sorry Naz you came close, better luck next year. 7/10
Apollo 440 - The amount time spent Daaa Da Da Da Da Da Daaaaaaaaaaing pushes this into first position. Congratulations 8/10"
And the winner is .......
Well, that's another exciting awards ceremony over and done with for a year. Why not come and join us with the stars at the after-show party?
These awards are an on-running thing, which will hopefully grow as either I can think of other catagories or people send them to me, and can be arsed to write them up. Any thoughts / contributions are welcome here.
Current contributers are: Rebecca Lee, Neil Chladek, Richie Beadnall, Naz Al-Rawi, Phil Norton, Me (natch).
BEST FILM
A truly unique film, be amazed by the complexity and unpredictability of the whole plot. Beats the pants off the 60's 'Monster Loose in New York' idea.
An excelent fresh idea - A Monster Loose in New York. From the 60's. Hey, hang on a minute ....
The people of Reading wake up one morining to find that a huge fish 'n' chips-shaped object is hovering over their fair town. This giant space-fish 'n' chips broadcasts the message "We Slide in chaos, " and then flattens Reading with their violate-o-ray. A bit of a letdown film from debut director Tony. (no green slime or monsters - but a few aliens!!) Haven't heard of this film? View the full plot here.[Also nominated for the "Joke that no-one else will get" award.]
Daaaaaa da da da da daa daaaaa, Daaaaaa da da da da daa daaaaa. Etc.
An amazing concept in film making - make the first 30mins be irrelevent to the rest of the movie. Also the originator of the now popular "mushy peas" theory.
"Roar! Fear me, insignificant humans, as I am going to mangle your puny city. Just as soon as I've finished humping this rather nice building here."
MOST ANNOYING TV / RADIO PRESENTER
Richie:"Perhaps a touch obvious, but the very existence of this woman beggars belief. The skinny slag should be strung up by her nipples from very high lamp posts then flayed with a dead dog's tongue. How the fuck she ever got a show of her own fucks with my mind. All the people who find her funny should be impaled on long red-hot knitting needles and be poked with kebab skewers."
Arrrrgh, the voice! Make it stop! Please make it stop.
What, you want a reason other than that he clearly thinks he's some sort of ginger messiah, sent by the Gods to supply poor-quality entertainment?
Neil:"I was forced to watch Super Market Sweep last week on Thursday and it made my hangover even worse!"
Phil:"That fucking really annoying cook who should be burnt alive from the inside out."
Beka:"Fat greasy hussies!"(And unfunny too - Tony)
"Vote for me, and allow me to continue my crusade to fill every television set with my face, and every house with my voice. Do it: I am God, and I command you."
BEST SONG
The original was crap. The remix is crap. It gave an excuse for some has-beens to think that they're "da bomb" again, which is crap. It stayed in the charts waaay too long, which was crap. And it been on nearly every MoS album since it was released. Which is, I think you'll agree, crap.
Which is on every morning, just as I get up, and forces me to think of it all day. (Which is a Bad Thing, by the way.)
Makes people think of her naked, and thus causes projectile vomiting.
The best song in the world, ever, eh Phil?
Daaaaaa da da da da daa daaaaa, Daaaaaa da da da da daa daaaaa. Etc.
Da da dala la la da da da, Da da dala la la da da da. Etc.
A re-recording of the Madness classic, with added verses about almost running into the back of other cars, missed shortcuts leading to Butt-Rape Alley, and how it's colder inside the car than outside.[Hotly tipped to win the "Joke that no-one else will get" award.]
Alanis Morisette: Ugly and naked. Barf.
"Hello, Hanson here. We're just on our way to the T.M.V.A. after-show party. Which is probably a good reason not to go, actually. Unless you plan to kill us. Which would be a Good Thing."
Maintained by Tony Gowland
Last updated: 17/11/98