NB:
this site is needfully dedicated to all who have FAILED
in their sad, pathetic attempts to undermine and destroy me.
forever shall you writhe in your own mediocrity;
forever shall ill fortune beset itself upon you.


"I don't want to see the sights. I don't want to look at their faces, I don't want to hear their excuses, I don't want to listen to the nonsense that spills from their gaping mouths. I don't want to listen to their lies, to their deceit, to their reasons. I don't want to listen to their pathetic excuses.

There's no need to explain. I will make up my own decisions based upon my own feelings and nobody can take that away from me. I refuse to conform to the ways that they do, I will NEVER surrender to the utterly pathetic trends and so-called "popularity" that you all want to force feed down my throat. I'm no fool. I won't learn it all the hard way. I never make the same mistake twice. I refuse to ignore the lessons of others because I have no desire to repeat them.

I have to be me, and nobody else. I won't follow you, I won't do what you do, I won't listen to what you say. I won't be a robot, I won't follow the herd, I won't pretend to be an individual in the blackened sea of mediocrity. I will be an individual island in the sea of me. I will rise, I will triumph. I will have the last laugh, and I will laugh the hardest. I will be alone, I will be in the dark. I will be in the shadows, I will be on the edge, on the fringe, looking in from the outside. I will watch you all and I will have my thoughts. And they are mine to have, theirs to forever ponder.

"what I will never do"

"how I'll sing myself to sleep"

"things I simply adore"

"what I simply cannot stand"

"how I'll drift into my dream"

"templates for evil"

"what's inspired me"



I will have the security that I can be myself. I will belong to no one. I will not listen to the others. No one will take me, no one will sway me.

Whether you care or not, I will always be here. As they walk on by me, I will stand as silent as stone, until they disappear. I will bear grudges, I will always remember, I shall never forget the injustices done upon me. I will always find a way into their waking thoughts. They will never escape me. I represent a cleansing, an innocence, a freedom - the likes of which they will always reach so high for, like the stars, but will never have. Because I am going to be me. And the very thought of that - of a sideways sneer flashing across my face in some shadowy place- is more than justice enough.

I am sickened, I am insulted, I am disgusted and disappointed at what people bring upon themselves. Only they can be to blame. They make their own decisions, I do not make them.

I've been stabbed in the back, I've been neglected and used, I've been taken for granted, exploited, manipulated and cut into tiny pieces. I've been crushed and my feelings have been trodden all over. And for WHAT?!?!? Of course it was not spite, of course it was not evil! Of course it was not intentional! Of course, betrayl, deception and lies are always accidental aren't they? Of course, they are things that happen to everyone! Of course, I am overreacting. Of course, my feelings don't really count for anything. Because they think I will always forgive. I will always understand. I will always be here. Nevermind me!

Ntohing could be further from the truth. Some things may not mean much to them - but they mean EVERYTHING to me.

I still don't belong to anyone. I am mine. And I am, HATED, and despised - for loving, for wanting. Wanting to try. Wanting to know. Wanting the perfect day. Wanting to love. Wanting to be me. Wanting to help. Wanting to realize my dream.

It's a cycle I can't understand. But I gotta be me."

H - December, 1995