Funnier People Than Me


  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
    -- A. Whitney Brown

  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

  • Woody, get that beaver off your head this instant!
    --The Game of Life CD-Rom

  • "Jealousy, mistrust, vegetarianism...these 3 things really destroy a relationship."
    --P@, Although Seemingly Simple, His Opinions Lack Evidence

  • I don't give a flying rat's a*s!
    --My roommate, Tanya

  • Hey guys, feel this!
    --Some little kid in a dark room

  • "Cum, I mean Kim"
    --Tim G.

  • His "lily white a*s, bobbing up and down, glistening in the moonlight."
    --Clint and some other guys

  • I'm not gay...I just like having sex with men.
    --Frat President Bob, kidding of course

  • I'm not half the b*tch I could possibly be!
    --Laurie

  • Don't worry--It's been sanitized and everything!
    --My mommy

  • What does Paris have that New Waterford doesn't have?
    --Kim's Grandma Rogers

  • Daddy, did you bring your teeth?
    --Linda

  • Them root canals is catchin'!
    --Also Linda

  • Canadians skate. How hard can it be?
    --Boy Meets World     (Sorry Darren. It was funny!)

  • I don't know. Ask the pigeon in my pants.
    --Hang Time

  • I need a yaaam!!
    --Grover from Sesame Street

  • If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?

  • Be alert...the world needs more lerts.

  • Never try to teach a pig to sing; you'll frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.

  • Bad spellers of the world, untie!

  • There's no sadder sight on this earth than a football player trying to think.
    --Daria

  • Ooh! They have the internet on computers now!
    --Homer Simpson

  • I'm blonde! My I.Q. just dropped 20 points!
    --Salem, the cat on Sabrina

  • Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.

  • God wouldn't have given you maracas if He didn't want you to shake 'em!
    --Penny, the dancer from Dirty Dancing

  • We're all grown up...now where are the plastic genitals?
    --Jake Johansen, on Late Night with Conan O'Brien

  • If you're so smart, how come you're a girl?
    --Peter Brady, on the Brady Bunch

  • "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
    -- W. C. Fields (1880-1946)

  • If you see someone without a smile, lend him one of yours.

  • I have no trouble with my enemies. But my goddam friends,...they are the ones that keep me walking the floor nights.
    -Oscar Levant

  • To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time.
    -Cornelia Otis Skinner, The Ape in Me, 1959


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mandy@smileyface.com

 Last updated April 22, 2001