This one act play received the "Best One-Act" award on
May 27, at the Talawanda Drama Festival in Oxford, Ohio. 
     Please enjoy this drama, keeping in mind that it may be used
with our permission.  You need only contact us at:

thecoldcowboy at g mail dot com

Raw Boots
By M Snavely and D Pribble

Characters:
Casper : (m) Bartender....the ‘sane' one
Clem: (m) Saloon regular and brothel-fan
Nancy:(m) Insane Gunslinger
Fanny: (f) Chicken/Schoolmarm
Eugene: (m)  male who thinks he's a woman
Hortense: (f)  female who thinks she's a man
Jembo: (m) greasy saloon-goer, Nancy's sidekick
3 mad children
2 bordello gals
--------------------
Original Cast:
Casper- Dan Pribble
Clem- John McGrew
Nancy- Nick Greene
Fanny- Jessie Reilly
Eugene- Jamey Flynn
Hortense- Molly McFadden
Jembo- Brad Unger
Kids: Mike Ormiston, Seth Wiener, Andrew Zehler
"hos": Jodi Gage, Courtney C. Vallade
--------------------

[Curtain up, lights at half; spot on Casper]

Casper: If it'were that I was born upon the rocky coast, 
perhaps I'd be a fisherman-- a swarthy conqueror of the 
seas, a master of the tides over which my nautical steed 
would reign....But nay, it'were that I was born upon this 
teeming mass of dirt, a thousand miles from anywhere, where 
the hearts of the men are as meager as the richness of the 
soil.  Aye, [with anger!] here. In Dogpatch-on-Avon am I 
chosen to reside.

[lights up to reveal the rest of the saloon; spot off]

Clem: Prithee Casper, what wily maiden hath made thy face so long?

Casper: Oh Clem!  Engage thee not in my affairs, for they so slight 
would seem to thee.
 
Clem: [shrugs and sips from his sarsaparilla] Suit thy self, noble 
saloon-keeper, but engage thee not in my tip! [getting up to leave 
to himself:] Now, Clem!  Retreat to the Dogpatch Bordello! 
[exit Clem]

Casper:[aside] Aye, here, in this saloon, I spend my fruitless life,
 amongst the scum of Dogpatch,  where ne'ery a day goes by without---

Nancy the Gunslinger: [Busting in with six-shooters in hand and 
a-screamin'] HAST THOU SEEN THE WAYWARD COW?!  

Jembo: Nay, Sir Nancy, show us how!

Nancy: AND HAST THOU SHEERED THE SACRED BULL?!

Jembo: [madly, hoisting the 3 sacks] Aye, Sir Nancy!.. Three bags full!

Nancy: YEE-HAW! [shoots in the air as he exits]

[lights go down to half, spot on Casper again...saloonees freeze]

Casper: Methinks this Nancy's words hide more than they hath mind to let 
us know. For subsequent to his advent, such curious forebodings
 and harbingers hath surfaced in this normally dull and vapid
 borough.  I have lived among these folk for many a long year.
 And yet now, as never before, they exhibit alterations in their
 character which cannot be accounted for. The sheriff now
 routinely robs our bank, while the thieves desperately try to
 defend it. Fanny the schoolmarm clucks like a chicken while the
 children stand aside and strike a pose. Things are rotten in 
the state of Dogpatch...and methinks this new dastardly
 gunslinger is behind it all.

[lights up, spot off. saloonees begin to move again. Enter 
Eugene]

Eugene: Pour me a sarsaparilla, thou saucy fellow!

Casper: [aside] ah, of a strange nature is the suit this chap follows...
 [he slides the stranger a glass]

Eugene: [nonchalant- grooming nails or somethin'] Tell me, thou fretful 
glutton.   As I, Eugene, am a true woman, what say thee 
of my newly sewn frock? [Gets up to strut his/her stuff]

Casper: Eugene's thy name? Why, thou hast no frock of
 which to speak! And a woman, sayest thee? Haw-haw-haw!

Eugene: Wherefore dost thou try to confuse an old 
country woman? My frock is of the loveliest fabric, and 
bares a most noble sign!

Casper: [aghast] Get thee to a nunnery.

Eugene: The jealousy which thine heart doth harbor for
 mine frock is but poison to thine soul. Watch as I display 
my lovely wares!

[enter Hortense with big gun on her shoulder]

Hortense: Good morrow my good man! The day hath been 
long for us, the cowboys of the great plains. Serve me up the
 finest sarsaparilla of thine stock!

Casper: Weave not your wily words here my good lady. 
You are but a woman, and no woman roams the plains under the
 guise of a cowboy. Where art thine chaps?

Hortense:[Smacking Casper across the face with a sock 
full o dimes] Call me not a woman, you son of a misguided
 cattle-driver, or thou shalt taste my sock full of dimes yet
 again. There be no room for women on the plains. And since 
thou hast questioned me, mine chaps reside at the cleaners.
[sits at the bar and spots Eugene] Ahhh...the beguiling charm 
of a lady. I am smitten. Would that she were my sun, I wouldst
 gladly be a slave to her gravitational pull. And should she
 leave me, I would be cast in a dark pit of despair, and be
 shroudst by a cloak darker than death. What a beautiful 
frock... and such wares!

Casper:[rolls his eyes] Touch that one not, ye fool. 
This is no more than a man that thinks he be a woman. A most
 unpredictable fellow.

Hortense: Speak not against this fair maiden, dog.
 [strides over to Eugene, quickly takes up his hand and falls
 to her knee] It were as possible for me to say I love nothing
 so well as you, but believe me not; and yet I lie not.

Eugene: [aside, awestruck] Such a comely cowpoke.
[To Hortense] Thou hast a golden tongue, and a steady hand.
 Methinks I know you well already. Come and sit.

[Eugene sits as Clem enters with a woman on each arm]

Clem: I beseech thee, dear Casper, take thee to the
 bordello and find companionship! I have stumbled upon a great
 and precious treasure: these two lovely maidens. We shall now
 retire to my chambers where I intend to have a game of 
Parcheesi like none ever seen before. Then I will treat these 
two ladies with respect, and escort them home whenever they wish
 to go.

Casper: Clem, dost thou feel well? Thou speakest like a
 man I hath never met, even whilst I know that I have known thee
 for a great many years. I am worried.

Clem: Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy! 

Casper: ....whatever thou sayest....

Clem: Nay Casper, Nay! Now I pray thee, stop this
 nonsensical talk. I bid thee farewell.

[exit Clem with his ladies]

Casper: [to no one in particular] There be queer patterns
in the stars for humble Dogpatch; something is amiss.

Eugene: [snickering] Observe the humble bartender! Playing
 the mouse in absence of the cat! 

[There is a faint clucking in the distance that slowly gets
 louder. Enter Fanny the school marm with a troupe of children]

Fanny: Bawk- Bawk- Bagwaaaak!

[children strike interpretive dance poses at Fanny's nonverbal
 command throughout scene]

Casper: [givin' Eugene the eye]...Enter:  the cat! [to
 fanny] M'lady, thou knowest that children are forbidden from
 mine saloon.  Get thee gone, kinder!

Fanny: [angry] BWAAAK! [she wallops him with a sock full
 of dimes, and sits on a table, her compatriots striking poses
 all the while]

Casper: Methinks it most odd that I hath been struck upon
 the face twice this day with a sock full of dimes. [commences
 wiping counter, etc.]

Hortense: Our Bar-keep o'er yonder is a most strange
 fellow.  Hitherto our encounter, he hath tried to convince me
 that I was a woman-- and thou a man!

Eugene: aye, he's a strange one indeed, but  there be a
 glint in his eye; methinks he may know more than we.

Hortense: What doth thou suggest? Surely thou art no man,
 and just as surely, I am no woman!

Eugene: Thou art correct in this consideration, and yet 
I wonder.....[pause as he stares blankly for a moment, and then
 snaps back into focus] But no matter. Our love transcends such
 mundane speculations.

Hortense: Indeed it doth. I wish to make that to which we
 have agreed in spirit legal. Let us get married. With luck our
 farm may be peopled with many children! Products of our great
 and undying love for one another!

Eugene:[obviously upset] Oh, my dear Hortense. I fear
 there may be a complication...

Hortense:[taking Eugene's hand] What my most dearest?

[enter Clem, sheepishly. Sits down at bar with head down] 

Casper: Prithee Clem, whereto hath your companions gone,
 and why such a sad countenance?

Clem: I pray, good sirrah, ask not.

Casper: Noble Clem, am I not your friend? Empty thyself
 of thine thoughts. I will offer you the balm you require.

Clem: Thou hast always been a good friend to me, dear
 Casper. Mine ladies hath.... [struggling; on the verge of tears]
...they hath...taken advantage of me! A feeling of cheapness
 descends...and I submit.

[enter Nancy, reciting his ode to himself]

Nancy: O'er the hills I'll gallop,
 like a cattle-drivin' man,
 and baketh I a cowboy cake 
 for all my cowboy fans!

Jembo: Here is Sir Nancy, man of the day!

[Between Jembo/Nancy only; upstage, center]

Nancy: Aye dear Jembo, time to play!

Jembo: Good Sir Nancy, what's your call?

Nancy: Today, my Jembo, Dogpatch falls! [struts to the
 table where Hortense and Eugene sit, about to bump and grind]

I spy a pair of lovers in my midst
yet they look saddened-- something is amiss...

Hortense: Nancy, we wish to consummate our love through
 marriage, but alas! My lovely Eugene has not the field in which
 to sew mine seed!

Eugene: This is true, Sir Nancy. I was born of a womb, 
but without a womb. It is a most dreary situation. We wish to
 share our love with others, with children that we may call our
 own.  Sir Nancy, because we knowst that thou hast such great
 knowledge, we beg of you..what can we do to remedy our problem?

[lights dim, spot on Nancy]

Nancy: [trying to look compassionate, but not doing a good
job] If little boys and girls you do demand,
Look there across the room! Three children stand!
The schoolmarm's madness now ensnares their lives 
So take them, lovers, that they might survive!

[spot off, lights up]

Eugene: But o! What malaise will strike the hearts of
 their mother and father? Hortense, is this the only way to
 achieve our noble deed?

Hortense: Though it seems wrong, Eugene, we ought not
 question wise sir Nancy, for he hath shown his wisdom here-- I
 shall forget not last Wednesday, when he reminded me of my true
 gender.

Eugene: Nor I!  Then take them we must...

[Hortense sneaks behind Fanny and wacks her with a sock
 full-o-dimes, Eugene takes the children and herds them out--
 Nancy enjoys the scene, laughing to himself. After they're out,
Jembo struts madly over to Nancy...]

Jembo: Look at Clem, he's full of woe.

Nancy: Clem, good sir...what pains thee so?

[lights down to half ; spot on Clem as he rises to soliloquy]

Clem: Were it that I was a piece of meat, to be but 
kicked in the dirt, and thrown about as a ship with no harbor 
in which to port! My soul, how it is filled with spite,  yet 
pity and compassion. Today hast seen me thrown rudely into the
 bowels of life. And now I am sad. To know that such people seek
 nothing of you but to be an object. I am man-- with emotions 
and thoughts, and yet they see not these things. [to Nancy, who
 enters spot] Dear Sir Nancy, thy knowledge hast far preceded
 thee. What shall I do to hoist myself from this pit of torment?

Nancy: Your agony, dear Clem is not unknown,
	 It turns mens hearts into the coldest stone.
	 But were I Clem and from Clem's mouth did speak ,
	 Then vengeance, towards these harlots, would I seek.
	 Take thee my pistol made of high grade steel,
	 And with its shots may all thy wounds be healed.

[meanwhile, Nancy offers his gun to Clem who backs away with a
 horrified look on his face. Nancy continues to walk towards him,
 gun in hand. Clem stops at the door where Nancy forces the gun
 into Clem's hand. Ideally, Clem is pushed onto a piano at the
back of the bar, striking an awful "chord".. Spot follows Clem,
 ignores Nancy]

Clem: Is this a pistol I see before me, the handle in my
 hand? Come, shall I clutch thee? In my mind I have thee not, 
and yet I see thee still in my hand. Are my senses making a fool
 of me? Can it be that I have yet a gun in mine hand, and
 consideration in my mind? This is a black art, which can come
 only to no good. And yet the handle fits well within my hand,
 and the cold harshness of steel is alluring. I see now wisps of
 smoke rising from thine barrel, and yet thou hast not been
 fired. Methinks my senses abandon me. I talk circles when it is
 time for action. Will Clem again succumb? The native hue of
 resolution has been sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought.
 I see no alternative and thus must go. Words to the heat of
 deeds too cold breath gives.

[exit Clem with a crazy look on his face. Nancy once again enters
 the spotlight and it follows him to the bar where he addresses
 Casper.]

Nancy:Mine enemy before me seems amazed-
	His fists are clenched in rage--his eyes are glazed
        For Casper, thou hast witnessed my success,
	And Dogpatch, in a state of turmoil, rests.
	I and Jembo had a single goal--
	To plunder all the townfolks'  mortal souls
	And since our evil deed is now complete
	From Dogpatch I and Jembo must retreat..

[Jembo exits, Nancy starts to walk out, then slowly turns around]

	 If only they had listened when you toiled,
	 Then my foul deeds would surely have been spoiled.
	 My good Sir Bar keep, here the game is done,

[two gunshots, and the ladies' screams are heard from offstage]

	 And exit Nancy --now that he has won.

[Nancy exits with an evil grin and chuckling to himself. Casper
 takes a swig from the bottle and falls down. Spotlight on
 Fanny.]

Fanny: BWAAAAAAAK!

[Lights down, curtain]