There's a new breed of person in this world - the kind of nutter who revels, not in the physical pain of others but in their own pain. And they don't dress up in leather, and create this pain in their little basement / torture chamber combination - oh no, they go to parks, cliffs, bridges, and even plummet from the skies. This mystifies me completely.
Some extreme sports I can kind of understand - after all, mountain bikes were meant for hurtling at break-neck speeds hills on, but parachutes were meant entirely as a last-ditch attempt to save your sorry life if your plane was hurtling, John Kennedy style, towards the ground. In the same kind of vein as this style of entertainment, I've concocted the following extreme sports. Note that if any of them become the next Big Thing, and start appearing on Pepsi adverts, it was me who invented them, okay?
- Airbagging - Drive your car towards something solid very quickly, and brake too late. The result will be the
airbag going off in your face, saving you from a messy "through the windscreen" death. If you're lucky and managed to gauge
the speeds correctly.
- Vesting - Buy yourself a bullet-proof vest, and have someone shoot at you while you're wearing it. If you're
not a cheap-skate, and got a nice, professionally-created garment, you'll be safe. Otherwise you'd better start calling that
ambulance. A classic extreme sports mix of danger and excitement.
- OD-ing - Critically overdose on crack cocaine, and then have a friend inject your heart with a large spike dripping with adrenaline, in true Pulp Fiction style. A little bit too extreme for most, this.
- Limb Cutting - Hack off one of your limbs (it doesn't matter which, but doing both arms isn't to be recommended) and then phone an ambulance. See if it turns up and gets you to Accident & Emergency in time to stop you bleeding to death on your hall floor. Now you know why you shouldn't cut off both of your arms.
- Glugging - Go to your local swimming pool and swim out to the deepest bit. Then sink (which is quite hard to do, but give it a go - you're supposed to e a hardened thrill-seeker who lives life on the edge). Hope that a) Someone notices you, and b) The lifeguard is more than a work experience stand-in, whose nearest run-in with life-saving was when he managed to revive his tortoise from hibernation without incent.
Maintained by Tony Gowland
Last updated: 20/7/99